How To Stop Believing the Lies You Tell Yourself, with Andrea Vallely

[00:00:00] Jeremy: When you're struggling to feel really happy, are you like me? Do you make super healthy choices? Like turn on the Xbox crack up in the pantry, , lay on the couch all day and do nothing. Is that where you find your happiness?

[00:00:13] Zach: yes. Can we just end the episode right

[00:00:15] Jeremy: I think that's it.

[00:00:17] Zach: Seriously though, do you ever find yourself making perhaps not the greatest choices

[00:00:22] when you're feeling not happy?

[00:00:24] Jeremy: Those things are great for putting a bandaid on whatever pain you're running from, but to find real happiness, that thing that we're always chasing. It's already inside you. And today we're going to talk about how you can find it.

[00:00:55] Zach: So Jeremy, do you know why I love the name of our show?

[00:00:59] Jeremy: Why is [00:01:00] that?

[00:01:00] Zach: Because it's kind of a play on words, right? Like the fit mess, right? It's we're trying to be fit. Everything's messy. It's not fitness and all that. So I really love a good play on words. And our guest today, has a really nice play on words that includes a swear word. And I super appreciate play on words. That may be swearing. And our guest today is Andrea Vallele from shift happens and I cannot wait to talk to her.

[00:01:24] Jeremy: One of the things you're going to hear in the interview with Andrea is a word that I don't think either you or I had heard prior to this interview, Zach, and it was de creating when it comes to the stories you tell yourself, the things you believe about yourself, doing the work to de create those things so that you can start to have a better relationship with yourself, whether it's that, that traumatized inner child or the person within you that you still struggle with every day.

[00:01:49] Working to de create those stories is such a powerful way to look at the way that those things have an impact on your life.

[00:01:55] Zach: yeah, it's, it's super powerful. I've never heard it. I've never heard that word [00:02:00] tied to that work, but man, like it just, it resonated with me because most of what. I've done throughout my life is to decreate all these stories that my dad told me. My mom told me all these people told me that I believed this truth and none of it was a true, it was all a lie.

[00:02:16] So I loved that word and I loved how, you know, she kind of tied it together with so many other things.

[00:02:22] Jeremy: And one of those things, quickly, before we get to the interview, is the idea that we So often, I, I'm, I'm one of the kings of this looking for some sort of external thing to find happiness. A lot of times it'll be finding something in the pantry that makes me feel a little bit better. Sometimes it's turning on the X Box to play a video game, to try and find a little happiness there, all these things that, that, you know, pacify the pain for the moment, but the minute they're over, all that pain is still right there because you didn't take the time to acknowledge it, process it, let it go through so that you can actually find that happiness that already lives within you.

[00:02:54] You just have to find a way to tap into it

[00:02:56] Zach: it's just that easy, right?

[00:02:58] Jeremy: just that easy. So I actually [00:03:00] met Andrea a few weeks ago and we were having a conversation around that very thing. What it means to find that inner happiness, to find that inner wellbeing that is drowned out by all the crappy stories you tell yourself. And all the external things you're turning to for happiness. . So again, our guest is Andrea Vellelli from Shift Happens. And we started by talking about that. How do we stop looking outward for happiness and find it inside by decreating all those old stories?

[00:03:25] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: We're trained innocently to believe that our happiness and peace of mind is outside of us. We're trained to believe it's in things. So it's the I'll be happy when syndrome, you know, when I get that when this happens. and what we're doing When we're in that belief system is we're literally chasing our tail.

[00:03:42] The world is our mirror. So if something on the outside is not the way that we want to see it, it's not about fixing the outside. That would be like trying to, you know, you're watching a movie and going up to the screen and thinking, I don't like this scene. How am I going to change it?

[00:03:53] No, the movie's coming from the projector. So it's an inside job. Our wellbeing, our peace of mind [00:04:00] comes from within. So it's a matter of flip flopping this, idea that we have about how the world looks and how we want it to be different and looking within, going within for our peace of mind. Because at our core, we are all, all of us absolutely perfect, but we have been trained and conditioned to believe otherwise.

[00:04:19] That's, that's really the essence of it. But when you begin to see, That your natural well being is already within you learned how to calm the mind. You learn when to listen to your inner genius. When it's your inner, inner genius and when it's outside influence like conditioning and our ego going to town and all this other stuff, when you get.

[00:04:39] Very connected to that truth life just as a result gets easier. So whatever it is that you want to accomplish, it's not that we don't have goals. Of course we have goals, but you accomplish those things from a, from a peaceful state, from a strong foundation rather than just trying to accomplish things where literally , it's like, you know, you're living, , on a [00:05:00] foundation of quicksand, which never works.

[00:05:03] So it's about getting that foundation. strong, which is already here. And then whatever it is that we want to accomplish, we're accomplishing it from a solid space.

[00:05:13] Zach: as you know, somebody who , , years ago came to that conclusion that, , I was focused on the outside and I had to turn my eyeballs around and look on the inside and that's where the value was.

[00:05:23] That was painful. That was hard and I am fully on board. I completely agree with you a hundred percent. How does one do that? Like, how did, like, what, is there a moment, like, how do you, do you have to get to a low point? Like, and how do you start to make that shift? Can it happen quickly? Is it like take a long

[00:05:43] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: time?

[00:05:44] Well, I hope you don't have to get to a long point because that would hurt to a low point. Cause that would really suck. Right. I think people are getting curious now because it looks to me like we're realizing that. Our piece doesn't come from the [00:06:00] outside. I feel like people are waking up to it. but the way to do it is to begin to quiet your mind.

[00:06:06] It's just to begin to slow down. Now, when you slow down, it doesn't mean that you're not productive. It just means that you actually take the time. It's, it's like the train is going so quickly in one direction, it needs to go in the other direction. You've got to slow down the train and bring it to a stop in order to jump the tracks and go in the opposite direction.

[00:06:24] So the way to begin, believe it or not, it's the simplest thing. It's beginning to pay attention to the breath. Like, that's, that's your recipe for starting to get in touch with peace and well being. Like, that's it. because the breath, it's our natural ability to To rest and relax, like we're normally running around, hopefully not normally, but a lot of us in fight or flight.

[00:06:50] So our system is going absolutely crazy and we have this natural inbuilt system where we can calm ourselves down naturally. We don't have to take a [00:07:00] pill for it. You know, we don't even have to leave the house. We can just begin to nose breathe. Just breathing in and breathing out and allowing that inhale to be nice and long and allowing the exhale to be even longer.

[00:07:14] And that will naturally calm us down. And just by beginning to create some of that peace in your life, then you can begin to actually do the work where you, you start to reflect on what's really important to me. You know, what do I really want? What's, what, what am I passionate about? You know, I think that gets lost so easily as we're not,.

[00:07:38] We're trained to do what we're passionate about. We're a lot of times trained to think, Well, I need to get this degree. I need to do that. I need to make this. And then when I retire, I'll do what I'm passionate about. And it's really the other way around because if you follow your passion and you get in touch with your inner genius, you get in touch with [00:08:00] your heart, what you love to do will create everything that you need in life.

[00:08:06] Jeremy: So I'm curious about. Your struggle with this because I've I've heard advice. I've given this advice of, you know, slow down, take time. Don't let the world, you know, lead you around with with a leash like a dog.

[00:08:20] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: Yeah,

[00:08:21] Jeremy: How did I imagine like most of us. It's not perfect for you. So where are you at in this? Are you at a place now where you're like, where you can see it in a moment and stop it and get it under control?

[00:08:31] Or do you still lose it? And like, Oh, like the world

[00:08:35] and just, do you still fight with it too? Or do you have it completely under control and life is perfect.

[00:08:45] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: I'm wise to myself. That's the difference is that when I'm feeling frustrated, disappointed, sad, annoyed, whatever it is, and my ego absolutely hates this. But my [00:09:00] ego knows that it's not outside of me. And that's the hardest part because my ego wants to blame.

[00:09:07] You know, my ego wants to say I'm sad because I'm angry because I'm pissed off because whatever. You know, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. My ego wants to go to town with that. And the difference now in my life is even though I still have those feelings, I still am 100 percent human with the ups and downs.

[00:09:26] I know as much as I want to blame the outside when I'm in a low state of mind, I know it's me. I know that I am just, you know, not in alignment with my truth in the moment. I'm, my bandwidth is restricted. I'm in a really low state of mind. I can't see my way out of a paper bag. And that is the problem. The problem isn't the world or the circumstance.

[00:09:46] Because the circumstance is always changeable, fixable, whatever you want to say, when I'm in a better state of mind.

[00:09:52] Zach: I struggle with that a lot with, , people in my life where like it's accountability, right? It's when something bad [00:10:00] happens, whether it is, you know, a personal internal thing or something outside, you really do want to blame someone else.

[00:10:07] And that's, I mean, unfortunately, that's something that a lot of people do. And it's, it's an accountability thing. And that's such a hard shift to make to go, my bad, that was me and take that ownership. And push forward with it. Like, how, do you have any tips for, I guess, beating through that? Because, like you said, your ego doesn't like it, and nobody likes admitting that they were a problem.

[00:10:32] So, how do you, how do you kind of take those first steps there?

[00:10:35] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: Well, here's, here's the thing. It's not that we allow people to walk over us. It's that we realize, oh, they're not responsible for my happiness and peace of mind. That is my responsibility. If, if I expect somebody else to fill that void for me, okay, if that's a void and I expect somebody, something outside of me to fill that, that's my [00:11:00] bad.

[00:11:00] But, if somebody on the outside, if I don't like what's going on, it doesn't mean that I don't change it, it doesn't mean that I don't take precautions to change the situation or step away from it, but what it means is I'm not at the mercy of it. I'm not suffering because of it. I know that I'm feeling these feelings, it's not because of the other person or the situation, it's because I've got some insecure thinking going on that I've made up about the world not being perfect the way it is.

[00:11:29] And I don't have to suffer because of it, but I may still make those changes, you know, and I find that, you know, it's all about, it's about evolving. It's about our spiritual evolution. And as our frequency changes, you know, as, as our awareness, as we become more aware, as we wake up, , there will be situations in our life that at one point, you we're fine for us that are no longer fine for us.

[00:11:53] There will be people in our life that at one point were fine for us that are no longer fine for us. But what happens is that [00:12:00] it's not a problem because you feel that evolution within yourself and you're okay. Every shift is coming from love. Every shift is coming from love. Even if it doesn't feel good, we know that it's coming from love.

[00:12:11] So, That's the game changer. And again, it's not that, that there's not discomfort. It's not that we don't get sad or that I don't get sad. You know, it's, it's not that I don't go through all of these feelings, but I know the feelings are not because of someone outside of me. The feelings are because, you know, there's a part of me that believes that my happiness is based on that situation.

[00:12:32] And I know that's not true. So that, that's the game that I have to play in my mind. You know what I mean? Knowing, Oh, wait a second. This is an illusion that I'm buying into. I'm buying into this illusion. I'm giving it meaning. So I'm deciding whether I suffer or not. And then whatever makes sense, whatever shift makes sense, you know, if it's a job, a friend, a relationship, whatever it is, it, I will make that shift not from a place of anger or judgment, but from a place of [00:13:00] love.

[00:13:00] So that's really the difference. Yeah.

[00:13:02] Jeremy: You mentioned the discomfort and the pain that comes with those moments. A lot of people cope with that in really unhealthy ways. You've, you've mentioned the breath, like when you're sort of caught in the storm to sort of center yourself there. A lot of people and me in the past, included would often run to the fridge and find a beer to pour on that fire and try and put it out. what are some healthier ways? How do we learn to sit with that discomfort and allow it to process naturally rather than letting it take up space in our body and lead to the damaging effects that we know that negative stress does have on our bodies?

[00:13:35] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: Yeah. Yeah. Well, first of all, it's okay to feel all those things. It's a matter of not owning them, just allowing those feelings to move through you. So, You know, for me, it's acknowledging the feelings, allowing them to move past me, or to move through me, without attaching to the story. And this takes practice, because when we're feeling upset, we've got a because going on.

[00:13:57] I'm upset because. So to [00:14:00] detach from the because, which the ego doesn't want you to do, but to detach from that because, and just allow yourself to actually feel the beauty. feelings, feel the energy behind those feelings and allow them to pass without attaching to the story. That's where the magic happens.

[00:14:17] That's where you transmute the energy rather than either keeping it inside and pretending it's not there. Or, you know, whether it's alcohol, food, relationships, sex, drugs, whatever it is. it's, it's, it's, it's Actually transmuting it so that it doesn't sit in the body. We're not pretending that it's not there.

[00:14:34] We're allowing the energy to move through us. So, you know, that's the magic of appreciating these ups and downs that we have as human beings, the feelings that we have. Because guess what? If we never feel the lows, how can we appreciate the highs? We can't. But,

[00:14:47] Jeremy: If I, if I'm in the lows though, and I'm listening to this, trying to feel better about myself and I'm hearing,

[00:14:51] Oh, all I need to do is, is appreciate how crappy I feel

[00:14:55] right now. I can hear the listener right now going like, how the hell am I supposed to do

[00:14:59] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: they're, they're [00:15:00] calling me

[00:15:00] Jeremy: see it that

[00:15:00] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: right? Yeah, yeah. Well, here's, here's the thing. at the moment it's not easy to appreciate it, but it's about allowing it to, it's, it's, you don't wanna pretend it's not there. But then you don't, but here, like, here's where, like gestalt therapy goes wrong in my opinion is that gestalt therapy is, well, I'm just going to beat it out, you know, into a pillow or something, but you're beating it out and giving it energy.

[00:15:25] You're, you're, you're beating out the thing that you're making up is causing your distress. So when you allow that to move through you without the story behind it, that, that's the clincher. It's like without the story, just the feelings, just the feelings. I'm not saying this is easy. This takes practice.

[00:15:41] That's how we transmute it. When we beat it out of ourselves with the anger towards something, we're giving it energy. We are actually creating more of it. We're innocently creating more of it. So it, it is allowing it to move through you. But the other thing that I want to say is like, listen, if you're, feeling that distress.

[00:15:58] I mean, to me, the best thing that you [00:16:00] can do if you're not able to just allow it to move through you in the moment is literally move, like literally move, you know, go to the gym, go outside for a walk, do some jumping jacks. I mean, that just gets your endorphins flowing. I mean, I know for myself, if I'm in a low mood and I, you know, go to a yoga class or I go to the gym or, you know, just It's hop on a bike, which I don't do very often, but the gym and the yoga class I do very often, right?

[00:16:25] that just lifts my mood right away. And the beautiful thing is once your mood is lifted, then you're in a better state of mind. So you see that what you were upset about has no value. You know, you just see it. It's like you're seeing it from a different vantage point. You're seeing it from, I call it above the maze.

[00:16:43] You know, when you're above the maze, you can very clearly see how to get out when you're in the maze. Good luck.

[00:16:48] Zach: I got to share one thing because like everything that you're describing, Jeremy knows exactly where I'm going with this because two and a half years ago, my wife and I got divorced , we came to the decision, it was the right decision.

[00:16:59] And I had [00:17:00] this, this day where we, we decided and like, we're going to do this. Yeah. And I just sat with it. , it was painful. There was a lot of emotions. It was, like all of these things. And I sat with it for three days, like, just, it was like, I'm gonna feel these things, I'm gonna feel them, I'm gonna meditate, I'm gonna breathe, I'm just gonna feel them, I didn't blame anyone.

[00:17:23] On the third day, like, the fog kind of lifted, and I was just like, hey, I'm okay, I'm alright. You just described, like, that experience that I went through, so I really wanted to share that with you, that like, hey, here's, here's an experience of this. But I wanted to tell people who are listening that, like, hey, it doesn't sound easy and it is painful.

[00:17:45] But I've done it. Like, it, it actually works. And Jeremy picks on me because he's like, oh, you grieved for three days over your 20 year marriage and you're good. And I was like, no, I, I did it differently. And it allowed me to get through it a little bit easier. Yeah.

[00:17:59] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: Wow, that's [00:18:00] beautiful. And, and that's, I mean, I'm going to say really.

[00:18:05] Very fast for you , to have gone through that, you know, after a 20 year marriage. I mean, that's huge because usually there's a lot of contemplating, , on something like that because that's, it's big. It looks big to us as humans. It looks big to us and it is, it feels, we feel that, we feel that. So that's really, really brilliant.

[00:18:24] I mean, you were able to recover from that very quickly, in my

[00:18:28] Zach: opinion. Yeah. I mean, there was still lingering emotions afterwards, of course, but it was. You know, the, the bulk of it was, was three days. Jeremy still shakes his head at me. He's like, three days, dude,

[00:18:39] Jeremy: well, and I, and I don't want to take the Superman cape off of Zach for this or anything, but I don't want the listener to think, Hey, if you're going through something, it should only take you three days to get through this. That three days followed years of work that Zach has been doing

[00:18:52] .

[00:18:52] So

[00:18:53] he had the tools to sort of go into that, that cave and fight those feelings and come out the other side.

[00:18:59] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: Well, [00:19:00] it's a learning curve. It is a learning curve. I mean, you went through a marriage. There was a ton to learn in that. And, you know, if we don't learn it, once, you know, it's gonna come back and bite us. Like, there's so much to learn from that. So I think, like, those are the nuggets. You know, or to realize, okay, , who am I now?

[00:19:17] How did I grow? What did I learn? And what can I do differently or not,

[00:19:21] Jeremy: one of the things that, that comes to mind with this is, as I imagined Zach in that space or, or anybody sort of trying to cope with those feelings and the amount of negative self talk that must pop up, like , I screwed this up.

[00:19:33] What did I do wrong? This is something I lived with my entire life until about a year ago, some work I did finally, like. And so I don't, I don't deal with that anymore because of the work that I've done for someone who's still struggling with, I'm an idiot, I can't believe I screwed this up, what's wrong with me, how do they get themselves through that, that awful cycle?[00:20:00]

[00:20:00] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: Well, here's what I want to share, which to your point, right? just, it was like a couple of weeks ago. I found myself so upset. over a situation like So upset and I came home and I was like, oh my goodness. I am so Crazily upset about this situation. I couldn't get over how affected I was by it So I was in that state of like I should know better.

[00:20:29] You know what I mean? I do this for a living, you know, I should know better, but it was so interesting because What I came to terms with was I realized that, Oh my God, I felt like I was back in elementary school and I realized I had this stuff from elementary school that, As we say, got triggered, , and I realized that's where the pain came from.

[00:20:53] It was so amazing because I hadn't, I said to my husband, I'm like, Oh my God, I don't think I've thought about this in like 30 [00:21:00] years. Like where did this even come from? But it hit me over the head and it hit me hard. So I really. I had to sit with it. First of all, I had to acknowledge and see what it was, and then I had to sit with it.

[00:21:11] And to be honest with you, do you know what I did that like really, really helped me was I did this havening technique, which I can't even really explain. Just go Google it, like go on YouTube and look up the havening technique. I literally did this, which my husband sent it to me. He was like, here, this will make you feel better. And I have to tell you, it honestly did. It honestly did. But I had to see what it was. And it actually took me a little bit of time because I couldn't, I'm like, how am I so triggered by this?

[00:21:38] This is crazy. But I think the the whole deal is don't beat yourself up because we are human We're having this human experience and things are gonna come up and there's no perfection. It's a journey.

[00:21:52] It's a constant journey It's a constant learning and growing and the bottom line is we want to clean all this up. So if something comes up, that's [00:22:00] fantastic You know, we want a clean vessel and the only way we're going to get a clean vessel is if we acknowledge what's, what's still around. So, there's nothing wrong with that.

[00:22:08] It's the, the whole thing is like, please, please, please don't beat yourself up. Like, just be so okay with wherever you are.

[00:22:15] Jeremy: quick things on that. Once one, I took your advice. I Googled it real quick. And a quick explanation on Google is it's an alternative therapy using touch, eye movements, and other sensory inputs to reduce stress, anxiety, and discomfort, obviously a huge rabbit hole to dive down to, to explore that more. but I know exactly what you mean in terms of that, that childhood, Trauma, right?

[00:22:35] Little t trauma, whatever. I've told this story before, but there was a situation where at a family meal, my parents was talking about, , just lowering the bar on this horrible, like everybody was going to just hate this experience. Of course, everyone absolutely loved it. But as I heard this conversation happening, , just sort of talking to themselves, I realized, Oh, my God, that's where that voice comes from. That's what I do to me.

[00:22:57] And it's, and I realized like as a child, I [00:23:00] witnessed adults doing this

[00:23:01] and, and owned that what they were saying about themselves, because they are, we are one

[00:23:06] must be true about me as well.

[00:23:08] And once I started to realize that voice isn't even mine,

[00:23:12] then I was able to say, do I even agree with anything that I'm saying here?

[00:23:16] And when the answer is no, it's amazing. The power that has to just dissolve those thoughts and those feelings of like. Who's even been saying that to me all this time?

[00:23:24] Because it's not me.

[00:23:26] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: You learned it. Yeah. Yeah. You learned Yeah, it's like this stuff comes up in our life. And when we have those aha moments of where this stuff comes from, I mean, to me, that's just.

[00:23:38] Allowing yourself to clean and clear it, you know, and like you said, you realized it wasn't even yours. That was learned behavior and that's all the muck and the stuff that gets caught up in our minds that we buy into and we think it's our identity and it's not, it's not who we are.

[00:23:53] Zach: one of the greatest strengths anyone can have is, is the ability to Admit that you're wrong about something that you [00:24:00] believe, and again, it doesn't feel good to be wrong, but sometimes it's the best way to kind of move beyond some of these beliefs that you do have about yourself.

[00:24:08] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: And it's so okay to be wrong. It's like, that's the beauty is to be able to look at yourself and be like, Oh my God, I can't believe I said that or I did that. And it's like, Oh wow, that was me. That's cool. I mean, it's actually good news when it's you, because then you can shift it and change it, you know?

[00:24:24] Zach: I was cleaning out some files and things like that. And I read like a, A paper I wrote for my master's degree like 10 years ago, and I, I read it and cringed and I was like, Oh, I would never write that now. But I, I remember thinking in that moment where I was like, Oh, I can change.

[00:24:43] I can be wrong. My opinion can change and I can build and grow over time. So it was a really good reminder.

[00:24:49] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: Yeah. Yeah. It's so cool. Like to see like anything that's going on that I don't like. I get to see that it's me that I [00:25:00] created it that like I'm giving off that energy like something in my Frequency and my energetic field is a match to that.

[00:25:07] So it's nobody else's fault. I created it Like that's been the biggest learning for me. It's like, oh, that's me. Guess what? That's me

[00:25:14] Jeremy: So if I'm out there writing that master's degree paper 10 years ago, right now, , what advice do you have for me as I'm, you know, searching for that inner peace, trying to stop blaming the outside world, all the things that we've now talked about for the last 25 minutes or so, where do I start to try to unravel , this mess that I've put myself into?

[00:25:31] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: You know, I think it's taking full responsibility for your experience It's, it's beginning to notice that the world is your mirror. So if something is occurring that you don't like, it's a reflection. So it's taking responsibility for it. Like, even if it's something awful and horrible, you're, you're a match for it somehow.

[00:25:50] So it's usually going back in and jacking up your self worth. It's like remembering, I'm okay as I am. I mean, I think all of the things that cause us discomfort are the negative [00:26:00] stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves. And sometimes we don't even realize that we've got , the storyline of like, I'm not worthy or, you know, I'm not good enough or I'll never be.

[00:26:08] So it's recognizing that, You've got a storyline going of, well, that could never be good in my life because, it's all self reflection. And here's the thing I want to say is that it's so innocent because we don't realize. are doing this to ourselves. We don't realize it. And again, somebody listening might be like, well, I didn't beat myself up.

[00:26:28] You know, I didn't cheat on myself, those kinds of things, but there's a belief going on that I always meet somebody who cheats or I'm not good enough. So people take advantage of me. There's some belief underneath that that's going on. So it's, it's not about being negative to yourself about it. It's about realizing.

[00:26:47] the perfection of you. It's shifting that story. It's realizing the perfection of you. It's not accepting people that aren't good to you in your life. Okay. It's not accepting situations [00:27:00] that are under par for what you want for what you want for yourself. I think so often we accept situations are not good enough for ourselves because we've got a story.

[00:27:12] Well, at least I have that. I mean, how many times do we stay in a job? Well, at least I have the job or we stay in a relationship. Well, at least somebody loves me. No, no, no, no, no. You know, when we go back to self and realize we are perfectly perfect, no matter what the outside of us looks like, no matter what we've been through, it's not our identity.

[00:27:29] We are here now. We can always start again. That's, like, the big thing. We can always start again. And it comes back to seeing the perfection of who we are in every moment, and living from that space. So we want to, like, de story, de create, and delete all of the stories about our insecurities. Because we've just been giving them life, and they're not true.

[00:27:51] Zach: Wow. De create. I have not heard that before, and that just struck a chord with me.

[00:27:56] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: I love that word. My husband says, we're going to [00:28:00] 3D this. And he says we're going to de story, delete, and de create. And because there is no time, space, and matter, okay, now I'm getting a little weird, but because everything's linear, right?

[00:28:08] We can actually do that when we command it, right? Because we're the ones that are hanging on to our past. It's not here. We're the ones that are keeping it alive. So we can delete it. We can de story it. We can de create it. We don't have to keep any of that alive. We can always begin again. Because the only thing that's really true is this moment.

[00:28:29] Jeremy: All good advice. Where can we learn more about you and the work that you do?

[00:28:33] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: My website is shift happens dot global and, all of our social media is their, Instagram is shift happens global Facebook. I know I'm old school. I'm still on Facebook and tick tock , and LinkedIn, you can find me, Andrea Valelli on LinkedIn. We also have a YouTube, Andrea and Lee Valelli. But basically if you just go to our website, shift happens dot global, all the information is there.

[00:28:55] We've got lots of fun, free downloads, morning and evening routine journals. [00:29:00] And if you're a parent 33 ways to start conversations with your kids, instead of just saying, how was your day?

[00:29:06] Jeremy: I like

[00:29:06] Andrea Vallely intvw - USB: Lots of fun things.

[00:29:07] Zach: Our thanks to Andrea Vallelli from Shift Happens. You can find out more about her in the show notes for this episode at thefitmess. com.

[00:29:15] I say it all the time and some people give me shit about it and it's fair. I don't really care if people do give me shit about it, but like I'm a sensitive guy. I feel my feelings and I process them.

[00:29:29] Jeremy: Yeah,

[00:29:30] Zach: I don't anymore anyway. I don't put them in a box and I don't put them up on a shelf to never look at again.

[00:29:37] And I just so really appreciate that. You know, that the one, the one story I told about my divorce, you know, and how I handle everything anymore, I just sit and I feel them like those emotions are there to be felt just like happiness, joy or their sadness. You got to feel it. You got to get through it. You got to process it in order to get to the other side of it.

[00:29:58] So I [00:30:00] absolutely love. hearing that message coming from somebody else who is way more of an expert in this stuff than I am.

[00:30:06] Jeremy: The missing piece, I think for so many people in doing that, it's just taking the time. We're all in such a goddamn rush to get to the next thing to to get to not doing something and just carving out the time to feel the feelings and process stuff. It's tough, man, especially if you're a parent, if you're working, if I mean, life's throwing stuff at you all the time, and you have to find it within yourself to make that time for yourself.

[00:30:33] It's such a cliche thing, right? Like self care, right? Like, oh, it's, it's, Doing some yoga, going to a spa, all the things, no, it's just taking a few minutes to feel whatever's going on inside of you and stop running from it. Stop putting it in the box up on the shelf. Give it the space to be felt. That's what it means to process it.

[00:30:54] Feel that shit, stop putting it away. Like it's not going to have some effect on you later. It [00:31:00] is. So if it's a few minutes, that's, you know, for us, it's meditation. Sometimes it's the gym, sometimes it's yoga, whatever it is. Find some time in your day to just connect with yourself and figure out what am I feeling?

[00:31:12] And what do I need to deal with right now so that I can find a little bit of that inner happiness That i'm chasing in a box of oreos or in an xbox. Shut up me. Stop talking to me

[00:31:25] Zach: And I thought that was me so, but one other thing that she mentioned too, is taking accountability and owning your mistakes. I can't stress that enough. Like that's such a huge piece to this. for years and years and years, I kind of had a victim mentality where none of this was my fault.

[00:31:40] It was always because I wasn't going to the right school. My mom didn't love me the right way. My dad was a jerk or like all these other things that were outside of my control. And it wasn't until I actually sat down and was like, this is all my choice. This is all me. I will choose what's going to come next.

[00:31:59] I will choose how I'm going [00:32:00] to take on these things, how I'm going to choose how to feel. But taking accountability and owning your own mistakes, and it's not easy. I get it. To say I was wrong. I did something inappropriate. I did something bad. Nobody wants to say that. But if you don't actually go in and take a look at those things, you're never going to change.

[00:32:21] You're never going to be able to pick the next thing if you can't say you're wrong about something else. So I, again, I can't stress enough how important that is. It's you. Own that shit and And walk. And just walk. You gotta own it.

[00:32:38] Jeremy: I love the analogy of, if somebody dumps garbage on your lawn, it's not your fault that it's there, but it's your responsibility to clean it up. If you, if you look at all of your life's problems that way, it's a lot more manageable rather than yelling at whoever the bastard was that put this on my lawn.

[00:32:52] That's not cleaning the shit up, getting out there and cleaning the shit up. That's what cleans the shit up.

[00:32:56] Zach: Yeah. I can still yell at the

[00:32:58] Jeremy: Oh, you can still yell at him all you

[00:32:59] Zach: [00:33:00] cleaning it up. I'm gonna do that.

[00:33:02] Jeremy: But it is ultimately your responsibility to get the broom, get the rake and get to work.

[00:33:06] Zach: Yes. And I will take a few minutes to consider whether or not it was my neighbor. And I will throw it back onto his yard. If it was him.

[00:33:13] Jeremy: It's totally your neighbor. All right. Well, that's going to do it for this week. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. and thank you to our guest, Andrea Vallele. Again, links to her in the show notes for this episode and if you've gotten any value out of this episode, please do share this with somebody who needs to hear this message. It can really go a long way in helping us help as many people as possible. Thank you again for your support. And for listening, we'll be back next week at the fit mess. com

[00:33:33] Zach: See ya everyone.