How Pattern Interruption Fights Depressive Episodes

Jeremy Grater (00:00)
Hello and welcome to the Fitmas podcast. Appreciate you spending some time with us today. And by yes, I mean me. Just me recording a solo, talking about something that I have lived with my entire life that we have dealt with on this show a number of times because as it turns out, it's one of those things that never fucking goes away. At least not permanently. At least not for me. Talking about depression, of course. And I'm talking about this today because I'm...

on the other side of a couple of days of a bit of a depressive episode. And I'm starting to feel a little bit lighter, still sort of walking that teetering line between wanting to just cry my eyes out for no goddamn reason at all. And, you know, just trying to exist and function and have a job and continue to be a functioning member of society. But I also wanted to talk about this today because I got a text message the other day from a friend who was sort of in the thick of it.

And I thought that our exchange was interesting because there I was in the middle of my own depressive episode, trying to coach someone else through their depressive episode. And as I'm reading the words I'm writing to my friend who is struggling, I'm thinking to myself, Jesus, stupid, take your own advice. How come you can't try these things for yourself? So I want to start with this. I want to start with this text thread and I'll skip over the key parts so I don't have to identify anybody and make anybody feel bad.

But basically his texts started with, dude, this depression is compounding daily for me. This is fucking ridiculous. To which I responded, yeah, I'm going through it a bit myself. It is relentless.

So he says to me, I'm sorry to hear that dude, go jump in some cold water, you'll feel better, which normally works. And this is one of the things that I think frustrates me the most about depression is that you can put all these tools in your toolbox that are super helpful sometimes. Sometimes they're not, and it's a real fucking pain in the ass. So you have to try a bunch of different things, a bunch of different tools, a bunch of different strategies, things that have worked.

In this case, I responded to him by saying, I'm actually trying to work through it in the gym right now, because I know for me, depression is often a feeling of being stuck. Like I can't move this energy. That's just kind of a weight holding me down or it's just preventing me from taking a step forward. So I took a number of steps forward over to the gym to try and lift my way through it.

And he responded by saying that he was really sort of seeking isolation. was looking for a way to sort of get away from everyone and have some space to himself.

In my experience, that can be tricky. Depression loves isolation. My depression loves isolation. I don't mean to speak for everyone who lives with it. But I know that part of it is a coping mechanism that tells you to go hide, to be away from everyone. The world's better off without you. So you might as well just remove yourself from it even temporarily.

So I, so I recommended, you know, Hey, when's the last time you hung out with your friends? When's the last time you just went out socially with, with some, folks, to which he said it had been a very long time. Here's the other thing is because depression love, loves isolation. The, just the, the thought of picking up the phone and texting or calling somebody and saying, Hey, well, what are you doing? You want to, you want to go hang out with a depressed guy who's desperately trying to escape his pain? It just, it's, God, it's the heaviest weight to lift. It's, it's heavier than that. Like I got to get out the door to go work out.

It's so crippling and locks you in place.

So I know for me, one of the ways that I deal with that is I try to just break the pattern in my head of being stuck in my head and telling myself all the reasons that I'm terrible or the reasons why I'm failing or whatever it is that's holding me back in that given moment. And for me, I like to escape into a movie because for two hours, even if it's a movie I've seen a thousand times, hello, Star Wars, it's an escape. It gets me out of the pattern sometimes. Again, these things don't work every time.

So I suggested, you know, go to a movie, just drive, whatever's playing right now. It doesn't even matter what it is, just something to get you to stop thinking about whatever pain it is you're going through right now.

And I think this is the point in the conversation when it sort of occurred to me that I'm giving all this advice to someone who should really take it himself.

Which in itself is a bit of a pattern interrupt because I also find that if I am feeling particularly worthless, like I'm particularly of no use to the world, if I can somehow become a use to the world, if I can somehow reach out to somebody and help them in some way, it interrupts that pattern just enough to sort of start to shake yourself loose of the grip of the depression.

So forgive the tangent here, but sometimes when I'm in the gym, in between sets, when I've got a couple of minutes to rest or something, I do doom scroll through the various social media platforms. And while I'm sort of in this conversation waiting for a text back, waiting for my minute and a half to wrap up, I saw this post. I don't know if this is from Ernest Hemingway or not. This could be complete bullshit, but when I read it, it seemed pertinent to the conversation.

So I shared it with where he says, in our darkest moments, we don't need solutions or advice. What we yearn for is simply human connection, a quiet presence, a gentle touch.

These small gestures are anchors that hold us steady when life feels like too much. Please don't try to fix me. Don't take on my pain or push away my shadows. Just sit beside me as I work through my own inner storms.

Be the steady hand I can reach for as I find my way. My pain is mine to carry, my battles are mine to face. But your presence reminds me I'm not alone in this vast, sometimes frightening world. It's a quiet reminder that I am worthy of love, even when I feel broken. So in those dark hours when I lose my way, will you just be there?

Not as a rescuer, but as a companion. Hold my hand until the dawn arrives, helping me remember my strength. Your silent support is the most precious gift you can give. It's a love that helps me remember who I am, even when I forget. That was a lot harder to read than I thought it was going to be.

Because that is, I think, what is needed when that sort of darkness hovers over you. I use the analogy all the time with depression that it's like the flu. It's like any other illness. It comes and it goes. When you get the flu, sure, you can sort of manage the symptoms. You can take a pill that reduces them so you can function, so you can go to school, so you can go to work, whatever you need to get through the day. But it's still there. You still have the flu. You're still sick.

And so when depression comes, it's a flare up like that, where it sort of needs its time. That time sometimes needs to be spent alone in a dark room, sometimes for a few days.

And I hear all the time, like, what do I do to help someone with depression? I think this is it. I don't know. But reading this out loud, sort of teetering on the edge, the way I have been the last couple of days, just having the presence of someone who gives a shit, who genuinely gives a shit and doesn't try to offer solutions, doesn't try to make it better, but allows for it to be.

allows for you to be in even that horrible dark place and to still allow that person to know they are loved even though in that moment they cannot feel it. They don't feel it from you. They don't feel it from themselves. They don't feel it from those closest to them because they can't some I'm speaking as though I speak for everybody. I don't know about everybody else for me when I'm there. I can't fucking feel.

there is a disconnect between my body, sort of this empty shell walking around in the world, still trying to function, still trying to be a part of whatever our experience is on this rock.

That me is very different from the one I feel today that feels things, that gets emotional reading what may or may not be an actual quote.

So the comfort of having someone who can just sit there with you in that pain and allow it to be until it passes, I think is an incredibly useful way to show up and to support somebody who is living with depression.

So anyways, so I shared that quote and it may have struck a chord because the response I got back was something to the effect of I know I'm just not as good at dealing with this as you are because I want nothing more right now than to close my eyes and never open them again.

So I interpreted from that that this person was feeling like they somehow aren't as equipped as I am to deal with this because they don't deal with it as much or maybe haven't dealt with it as long.

So at the risk of being slightly redundant, I basically concluded this with saying, look, don't get me wrong. I feel the fuck out of that.

You know, at this point I'm done with my workout. I'm walking home and then just said, look, I'm walking back from the gym, trying not to cry for no fucking reason right now. The desire to isolate when you are depressed is powerful.

And when you feel it, maybe that is what you need in that moment for a short period of time.

but also part of you needs to acknowledge that maybe you don't want to feel better when you're in that place.

I was talking to another friend about this who was also going through a hard time and we were talking about the, the, how do you describe it? The desire to not be happy when you live with depression, because when you're depressed, when you, when you live with this, it is often so much more comfortable to be sad, to be angry, to be down, because that's where you live most of your life. And when you come up for gulps of air of happiness, it's incredibly uncomfortable.

And so part of you, part of me, I keep speaking for you, part of me, when I feel this way, I know resists the temptation to feel better because it's sometimes more uncomfortable. I don't really know how to walk through the world when I feel like that. It's easier to be down. It's easier to be hurting because that's how I've spent a lot of time.

So I just pushed again, go to a movie, go connect with friends, go do something to break the pattern. And I also tried to encourage him to go get in some cold water because I know he doesn't like it very much.

So we wrapped up with basically my acknowledgement that I was saying to him a lot of things that I needed to say to myself, I needed advice that I needed to take myself. And ultimately I got through that couple of days and was sort of fine until I wasn't again. And the weekend hit and it came back.

So then I woke up that Sunday morning.

And Sunday morning is the day of the week and the time when I go and do my group cold plunge with some local folks in my community. And as much as I knew that I needed to go because it would make me feel better, I had absolutely no motivation to go. I just wanted to sit and escape and be alone and hide.

and not be a part of the world because in that moment I felt like I was a burden, like I don't have a space, like I don't belong.

And that's when this new voice in my head that I'm still trying to get used to kicked in and basically said, you just got to do it anyways. It sucks. This is going to be hard. This requires effort. You don't want to give, but you got to give it because there are people counting on you. And so I did, I packed my bag, I put on my swimsuit, I went down to the lake, which was just under five degrees Celsius. So that's really fucking cold to you in Fahrenheit.

And I dove head first into the water and still felt nothing. Didn't feel proud. Didn't even really feel the cold because so much of me was still just like emotionally numb and kind of going through the motions.

So I listened to the small talk with the people that were in the water with me, and we all sort of had our pleasant exchanges that we have every week. It's sort of, I don't, again, don't mean to speak for them, but for a lot of us, it's kind of our church. It's our Sunday morning nature bath thing that we do.

And I did it and got back in the car and shivered the whole way home where I was welcomed to a family who had made one of my favorite teas that was hot and ready for me. We have one of those pop-up new recover saunas, which you can get a new recover at a discount with our promo code. Check the website, thefitness.com. I'll put a link on the show description here. But the sauna was heated up and ready for me.

So even as I was driving home, I was thinking, you know, I should go in the sauna. That might feel good. Ah, it's gotta be a lot of work. I don't want to do it. Forget it. I'll just warm up in the shower. But the sauna was ready. So, uh, because my family was looking out for me, uh, I was able to get in the sauna and spend some time in there. Just like 20 minutes listening to music that I love that I often listen to when, uh, when I'm down and, and got through it and ultimately, you know, got myself cleaned up and was still like my family still just gave me the space.

to go through what I needed to go through and just kind of quietly work through my pain and through my day. And that was what I needed. And so that's why think I'm getting so emotional reading what may or may not be an actual Hemingway quote, but knowing that my family had my back, that someone was there to allow me to just sit in it and to sort of offer me some of the tools that they knew I needed but wouldn't take care of myself.

I think that's what shook me loose. I think that's what started to crack the grip that depression had on me over the weekend. And it's why I'm able today to get up and work and do this with you. Because I think it's important. Am I oversharing? Probably. Are my kids gonna listen to this in 10 years and think, Jesus, what the hell is wrong with that? Probably. I don't know. But.

I mean, the whole point of doing this show and talking about these things the way that we do is, has always been that when we started this journey, when Zach and I started our journeys of trying to fix ourselves, to try and live a little bit better, we just needed someone. We needed someone to say, yeah, me too. I feel that way too. Here's what I'm doing that works sometimes. It doesn't always, but give it a shot.

So am I able to deliver on the promise of how to escape the grip of depression? I don't know, maybe. It depends. Maybe you have that family. Maybe you have that person who will just sit with you in your pain. Maybe that's enough. Maybe you need a cold plunge. Maybe you need to go to the gym. Maybe you need to watch a movie. Maybe you need to do whatever the thing is that offers you a little glimpse of joy when times are darkest.

And maybe you need to try all of it, because sometimes it takes more than one thing. Sometimes it takes everything in your fucking toolbox to win.

and in the end, the only way to lose is to quit.

And I decided a long time ago I'm not willing to do that. It doesn't stop my brain from trying to convince me every now and then to quit. But the decision's been made. I'm not quitting.

And I hope you don't either.

I'm not sure if I feel better sharing that or not, but I hope that you feel better having heard it. I hope that you've learned something here that will either help you the next time times feel dark or the next time someone close to you does.

Again, I'm no expert. I'm no psychologist. I've talked to a lot of smart people about this stuff, and I've tried a lot of things. And sometimes they work and sometimes they don't.

But at the very least, I hope that you feel a little bit less alone if you are going through this right now and know that you're not alone. I mean, I don't even know how many fucking millions of people deal with this every day. And it's a nightmare.

And is it nature or nurture? Is it something that, you know, we're just reactive to a society that's not sustainable? Or is there something, you know, wired wrong in our brain? Is it both? don't, I don't know. And I don't care. What I do know is that it's relentless.

but you don't have to go through it alone.

So if you are struggling right now, please reach out to someone close to you. We'll also put some links in the show description for this episode if you're feeling particularly stuck and really don't have anywhere to turn.

There's lots of free options available. We'll make sure we get those linked in the show description.

And if you are struggling, just just know I'm sorry. It's I know what it's like. It's really fucking hard.

But I hope one of the few ideas that I've shared here will help shake you out of it, whatever it takes to sort of break that pattern. Like I said, go to a movie, go to the gym, go for a run, go for a walk, pet your dog, do something to just break the pattern. I know how hard it is. I know it's a heavy lift, but I'm confident that as long as you don't quit, you have an option. You have a way to fight out of this to feel better.

I know I've fought this battle a million times and so far I'm undefeated. And if you're still here, you are too.

So keep fighting, stay strong, reach out if there's any way we can support you. Please use the resources linked in the show description for this episode. Again, I hope this has been helpful. I hope this has not brought you down further. That is not my intention. I hope that this again is helpful for you and just keep fighting. Hang in there. Tomorrow's another day. Make sure you're here for it.

And make sure you're subscribed to this show so that you get more uplifting messages like this and others from me and my new co-hosts, Joe and Jason, and from Zach when he returns.

We all know getting through this shit can be messy. So if we can help clean up that mess in any way, then we're doing our job.

so much for listening. We'll be back in about a week at thefitmess.com. Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss it. And if you think this could be helpful for anyone else who's going through something similar or knows someone who's going through something similar, please feel free to share this episode in hopes of helping them find a way out.

Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week at thefitmass.com.