How to Choose Happiness When Life Gets Tough

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have you ever been really sad and depressed and somebody just said, get over it?

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who hasn't?

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I hate that.

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today's episode, we're going to tell you how you actually can get over it.

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life happens, shit goes wrong, shit happens that you react badly to.

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And, that stuff is really hard to do.

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But, I try and do really hard things on purpose.

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Like at work, I'll take on big, hairy projects or I'll do really hard things at the gym
and

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literally putting myself out there to do these hard things when I choose to and then when
the really hard things that I don't choose comes along, while I don't handle it gracefully

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all the time and I could probably do a better job, like you're just more prepared for when
life throws you that one -two punch, right?

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It's the whole reason to do it.

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I mean, why would we subject ourselves to these stupid hard things that we put ourselves
through if not to prepare for the ones that we're not expecting?

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Exactly.

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And until I like, you know, I just recently went through something that was really hard
for me.

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I'm now looking back at like the wisdom and the the the guidance of that those previous
experiences that I put myself through, like how they they guided me through that

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situation.

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Again, you don't always handle it well.

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And I didn't handle this one.

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super well and I don't really want to get into the details of this particular one.

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However, you know, my initial reaction to a situation that I just went through was pretty
poor and I let it get to me and it really drove me into a state of depression and to the

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point where I was making mistakes and making the wrong choice on things that just that
were unrelated.

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So, but it really took

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moment of, you know, looking back at all those hard things that I've done to realize,
okay, this thing that's going to be really hard for me, I can do it because I've done this

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and I've done that and the evidence shows that I can totally do it.

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I've done it before.

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So why am I letting this get to me?

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And it like just accepting the fact that this situation is what it is and I can do the
hard things in life.

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Like literally flipped it on its, on its, it was amazing.

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shift is super hard for people to get to I'm curious though.

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You talked about getting into a bit of depression over this thing you went through Did you
ever find yourself and I'm asking just for some companionship in this did you ever find

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yourself in that depression?

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Almost wanting to be there like there's a there's a righteousness and how like shitty
everything is in this situation and like the world's against you whatever this thing is

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like it sucks

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And like you, kind of makes you feel like, yeah, this, sucks for me.

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I, I deserve to be angry about this.

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So I'm going to stay here where it's where I'm righteous and, just pleased as punch to be
pissed off about how awful this is.

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yes.

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However, I'm gonna, I'm gonna flip it a little bit.

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So when I was younger, that was the only way I got attention from my dad was to be
depressed and angry and snad.

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And then I got the attention and I'd hear things from him like, you know, I love you
kiddo, which any other time I would never hear things like that.

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So.

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I still, and you know, it's not conscious, but like I still feel that when I'm in that
depressed state, when I'm in those moments, I still feel like it's justified because I'm

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gonna get that attention from people that I want, that I'm longing for.

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And I mean, come on, I'm 45 years old and like, don't get, I'm not 10 anymore.

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I don't get that fucking attention anymore, but I still think.

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that it's okay to be depressed and be in that state.

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And like, there's a level of comfort there because I know there's a, an I love you kiddo
coming soon from it.

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Like it's a weird blanket to be in, like where you're in pain, hurts, but at the same time
you're like, this is okay because this is, people are going to recognize me and for me,

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it's all about other people recognizing how much pain I'm in and then coming up and
saying, I love you kiddo.

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Are you conscious of that in the moment though, because I feel the same way like I
recognize a pattern of when I feel like this people care, they pay attention, they come

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around, they whatever, and it starts to reinforce the behavior of if I feel this way, I'll
get what I need, where the healthy thing would be to go to those you need that attention

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from and say, Hey, I need this attention from you right now, which is incredibly harder.

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than just getting depressed and being stuck there and feeling miserable because of that
pattern you've learned.

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Hoping they're gonna read your mind and come say, love you.

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Right.

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yeah.

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But it's such a hard pattern to unlearn when it is, I mean, I'm sure for me, I can't
pinpoint that same, you know, childhood experience.

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I don't remember, you know, people coming to my rescue when I was there.

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But I recognize now and so I guess the other thing I want to ask about this is, are you
aware of it in the moment?

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So like, or do you realize after the fact, I got what I needed.

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And now I can come out of this cloud.

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Well, I never truly get what I need.

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get out of the cloud different way.

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I would say nine times out of 10, I don't realize that that's what I'm looking for.

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just, it just feels like a justification.

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Like I'm justified to feel this way.

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just latch onto the feeling of being justified.

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And then I get more depressed and like, it's okay.

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It's fine.

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And then.

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I'll either live in that and it takes the realization of like, no, no, no, it's not fine.

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Like no one's going to come say I love you.

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Like long after the fact or the depression lifts on its own and I move on.

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And then I realize, right.

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That's you're doing X because that happened and this happened.

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And yeah, right.

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You need to, you need to untrain that.

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There's almost like a, like a loneliness, I think that, that you experience that triggers
that feeling.

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And so then it's sort of that, well, if you're going to feel lonely, let's, let's get
lonely.

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Let's just go be alone.

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Like, let's just isolate from the world and hide in the dark room where you clearly
deserve to be because you're not getting, you know, the love and attention that you need.

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and so it just sort of feeds on itself in that way.

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Yeah, I will say in one of the recent bouts that I had, I did want to be alone, and I did
everything I could to be alone, and I finally got it.

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And I think like 10 minutes into being alone, I was like, well, fuck, this isn't actually
what I wanted.

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Right.

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it will never cease to amaze me how well -versed you and I are in mental health,
depression, anxiety.

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And I mean, if there was a fast track through to get a degree in psychology, the two of us
could probably do it in like six months.

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We have an insane amount of knowledge.

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And even with that knowledge, right, the amygdala fucking strikes and all logic goes out
the door and you are just and then you like come back up for air after these moments of

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where like you're literally fucking mentally compromised or emotionally compromised and
you're like, what the fuck?

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I know better than that.

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So it is a.

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horrifying to like know that much about psychology and how the human brain works and still
succumb to it.

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But then on the flip side of it, it's also like refreshing to be like, I know that much
about it and I still succumb to it.

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I'm fucking human.

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Right.

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Like so it's it's bittersweet to some extent.

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it's always surprising to me, whatever therapist I have, when I find out they also have a
therapist, I'm just like, what?

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But, but it's for that same reason, like you need that objective third person, right?

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You need that, that mirror to be held up by someone who is not your friend or not your
family that brings all of the story and all the baggage that you have together into that

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experience.

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even when you were going through what you went through, I probably gave you terrible
advice.

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because of what the outcome of your experience has been.

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But it was because of my clouded, my biased perspective of you, where if I'm not a friend,
if I don't have years of knowledge of who you've been and what you've been through, it's a

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little bit easier to look at this isolated thing and go, how do we pick this apart and
make this resolve to a better conclusion?

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I wouldn't say you gave me bad advice.

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I think I followed advice that I shouldn't have.

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Well, it's because it was bad advice, but you know, again, human, we're all human.

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It is so human.

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again, like I've said this a thousand times before, but I'm like really trying to take
this moment and like, you know, I even put something on my phone home screen to kind of

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remind me of this one.

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It is.

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we are human and we all have bowed to this and...

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It sucks.

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It really fucking sucks.

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But at the same time, like, I want to remember how that felt.

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I want to remember the things I wasn't doing that led me to that place.

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The, you know, the meditation, all the bits and pieces that I should have been doing.

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And to be fair, like, again, like it was a perfect storm for me where it was like a little
bit of work, a little bit of personal stuff, a little bit of like everything all hit me

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one shot and,

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probably would have, you know, like horse tranquilizer.

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Like it got me, but I gotta remember, like those are the moments that we do all these
things for to make sure that when we do have those downfalls, they're shorter, you handle

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them better and they don't happen as often.

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Yeah, let's jump back to the perspective shift.

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Obviously we don't want to reveal too much.

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This is one of those things that's a little too personal for a public podcast, but I'm
curious about that perspective shift.

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You and I had a number of conversations.

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I know you had other resources you reached out to.

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What did it take for you to go from this is a shitty situation to switch flipped?

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I'm on board.

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Let's move forward.

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It all comes down to choice.

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And as much as I hate to say this, like happiness is a choice.

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Like, and I know how horrible that sounds for anyone who is sad.

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Like the only way to really make a huge difference is to decide that you're not going to
be like that anymore.

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And that's a choice.

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and have to decide to be happy.

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And if there's things that happen in your life that...

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Again in this scenario.

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I've got something coming that's gonna be hard for me.

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It's gonna be really hard for me to deal with But I've dealt with situations like this in
the past and I've to the point of like we do hard things You know so that we can have

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evidence so that we have us have a supporting body that says you can do hard things and it
was really kind of that That I need I needed to to look at the

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the evidence that I was able to do these things in order to really get okay and be like,
okay, I can do this.

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And because I can do this, I'm gonna choose to be happy about it.

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And there's no other option.

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And the second that I chose to be happy about it, the whole perspective shifted.

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And I know choosing to be happy about something is not something you just snap your
fingers and you do.

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You have to be mentally there all the time whenever those thoughts of,

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I don't want this.

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Come up, you need to get in front of them and be like, yeah, you don't, but you're gonna
have to.

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So suck it up, buttercup.

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And I know again, like we talk all the time about it's not about sucking it up and just
like doing the thing, but sometimes it is.

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Sometimes

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I wanted to challenge a little bit the idea that that it is a choice because many times it
is many times it's not that I mean, I think that, you know, look at the last guest we had

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on the show, I don't think that that is somebody who

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had much of a choice about the way that he dealt with depression when he was basically
fighting the idea of I want to be dead every minute of his life.

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That's a little bit harder than I need to be happy about life.

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There are lines.

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So anybody who's hearing you say that happiness is a choice, take that with a grain of
salt given your situation because there is clinical and there's I'm depressed because I'm

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overwhelmed by life and the circumstances that I'm

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Right, and when I say choice, it's usually a situational choice.

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Overall, depression and unhappiness.

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Yes, you have to make a choice to be better.

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but that doesn't resolve that kind of depression and unhappiness.

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If you have a situation that's making you unhappy, that's when you have a choice to go,
you know what?

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I can flip this.

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I can make better choice here.

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So I, yeah, so if I came off as, like I said, said it was gonna be unpopular, but there is
a very big difference between I hate myself and wanna die and choosing different.

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That's not possible.

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And,

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I'm generally okay and I have a scenario that fucking sucks.

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you can choose different for that scenario.

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yeah, I don't wanna take away from anyone who's struggling in any of those scenarios.

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definitely, know, choice comes into play in all of it.

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It can fix the little ones.

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It's not going to fix the big ones.

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It's going to be a con...

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think the thing that that maybe does apply somewhat universally though is the choice to
fight it.

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Right?

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Like there's it's so easy to succumb to it and just give up, go lay down in, you know, in
bed for days and not, you know, not deal.

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You know, for me, there's been levels of, you know, extreme to just situational that often
the situational is the trigger that leads to the deeper issue because I like because I let

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it.

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And I can only say that because of the situation I'm in now where, you know, I'm coming up
on, mean, I'm still a few months shy of basically a year without a significant depressive

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episode because I made the choice to pursue therapies, pursue physical movement, pursue
things that battle it, that keep it away.

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So that now, you know, we started talking about doing hard things.

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I do these hard things almost every day.

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Because I know eventually that thought is going to come that overwhelm is going to come
and it's going to be too much.

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And I need to be able to say, no, I'm not giving up.

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I'm not just going to lay down and take this.

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I'm stronger than this.

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have the evidence to prove it.

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And now I do.

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And in ways that I've never experienced in my life, I'm able to recognize the things that
would typically trigger me into a depressive episode and stop them in their tracks before

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I'm, you know, taken out of my family's life for.

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a few days or whatever it takes to get through that particular episode.

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for which I am super proud of you and happy that you've achieved all this.

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also want to acknowledge that we've been doing this show for, what, six years now?

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And this has been such an iterative process for you.

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to make sure people understand that this was not an overnight change for you.

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This was literally...

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thousands of little steps along the way.

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six years of doing this show followed, I don't know, a handful of years of just therapy
and doing some basic groundwork to try to build the foundation.

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mean, we're looking at, I'm sure by now a well over a decade of effort that it took now at
47 years old, to be able to say I know how to manage my depression.

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Yeah.

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So again, I don't want anyone listening to this to say, he did it.

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Why can't I do it in two days?

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This has been a long, I mean, same for me.

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Like when I was 30, it was like, hate myself and want to die.

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Now I'm pretty content, but it took 10 years to get there.

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And it's, it's, it's what we, you know, we have a whole catalog of episodes on little
things that you can do and try over the next few years, but

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You if you are struggling with it, you are depressed and unhappy and all that stuff.

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Like, keep plugging away, man.

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There is hope.

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It takes a while.

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And I know it feels hopeless, but you can get there.

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You just have to, unfortunately, make the choice to be better every day.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Well, man, I'm glad you got through your storm.

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Hopefully things are on a better track for you.

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I wish you luck in continuing to keep the perspective you have now and to have that spill
over into a enjoyable and pleasurable experience moving forward to help really highlight

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how dark it was for you and to be able to enjoy how far you've come.

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Keep on keep getting her done, bro.

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Alright folks, that's all for this week.

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We hope this conversation about doing hard things has been beneficial for you.

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And if it has, please do a simple thing and share it with someone who should hear it.

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You can find the links to do so at the fit mass .com.

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And that's where we'll be back soon with another episode.

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Thanks so much for listening.