How to Get Your Relationship Shit Together with Gary John Bishop

 Everyone wants that amazing, fulfilling and profoundly connected relationship we've all read about and dreamed of Someone who gets you and you get them and all is wonderful in the world, but.

What's the reason some of us don't have it? Maybe you don't know shit about having an authentically great relationship. 

That's according to our guest this week. Gary John Bishop is the author of Love Unfucked, getting Your Relationship Shit Together. It's the latest title from his Unfuck Yourself series.

He'll share why you need to stop shifting blame in your relationships. Take responsibility and face yourself first. If you truly want a real relationship that actually works, 

this is the Fit Mess conversations with world-class experts in the fields of mental, physical, and emotional health in this episode, nobody's growing up like, I can't wait till I get older and fucking really masked of the, are of dark resentment.

And, uh, when you get in touch with who you really are and you see your relationship in terms of that, You'll see why a lot of it doesn't work. Now here are your hosts, Zach and Jeremy. 

Welcome to the Fit Mess. Thanks for listening while you're doing whatever it is that you're doing. I'm Zach, and he's Jeremy.

We've been through all kinds of struggles and ended up stronger because of them. And we wanna help you do the same. So if you're sick of your own shit and ready to make a change, you're in the right place, especially if your relationship is a mess or if there's a wake of bad relationships 

in your past.

We've got a great interview for you this week with the man who calls himself the Sex Pistols of Self-help. Gary John Bishop. We're not just talking about romantic relationships either. We're talking about your relationship with work, family, friends, your phone, yourself. What do you bring to everything in your awareness, and is it delivering the outcome you want?

Or the one you end up with. I can't 

wait for this interview. I love talking to Gary John Bishop because every time I read his books, every time I talk to him, it really, uh, it, it, I don't know what it is. It just strips my ego away. And, you know, looking at my relationship with myself, I'm questioning so many things about just myself and my relationship with myself.

Not even take into account. Relationship with work and family and friends and things like that. But in like looking at the relationship with myself, there's so many things in my past I would never question, and when I'm questioning my own beliefs, the growth that happens after that is amazing. 

That's really the value in so many of his books and in the now three conversations we've had with him is that he really.

Helps you strip away all of the bullshit that clouds your judgment and, and really lets you get to the root of what you bring to your day, to your life, to your relationship, and helps you find ways to improve it. A lot of the problems that you face in your life and the things that, that you're frustrated with and the things that are in your way, so many of them are you and your beliefs and the things that, that you just hang on to.

For me, I've been hanging onto the idea that I hate the gym. I hate working out, and I've been doing it. It's not true anymore. It's not true. I'm actually enjoying it, even though I hurt myself today, but, but I'm enjoying it and I'm finding, again, you know, we talked at the beginning of the year about resolutions and doing one thing, right?

Just like starting one thing. And that one thing is cascading into all these other things that I'm doing. And so many of them are born from the thoughts that I'm having. And this just, again, the conversations we're having on this show. Where, when you think about who you want to become, the healthier version of you, what are the thoughts that person has?

What are the actions that person has? And when you take those steps instead of the same ones that keep putting you in the same shitty position over and over again, all of a sudden all of those healthy patterns start to just become who you are. So no matter what the thing is that you're working on, like showing up better at work or as a, as a dad or as a mom, or as.

A partner, whatever it is that work has to be on becoming the best version of you that you can be, so that you can truly add value to whatever relationship you're in or the one you want to create. 

Our guest today is much more knowledgeable about this than we are, and a hell of a lot funnier about it than us.

But before we get to that interview, something I do to make sure that I am. The best self I can be is to feed my body the nutrition that it needs. I started taking athletic greens because I really needed to have a supplement. That tasted great, gave me all the things that I needed, and I didn't want to have to take 10 pills a day or spend all of my time cooking all the meals.

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That's athletic greens.com/fit mess to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance. That link will be on the show notes and it's plastered all over our website@thefitmess.com. 

Alright, as we mentioned, our guest this week is The Sex Pistols of Self-Help. Gary John Bishop, his new book, love Unfucked, getting Your Relationship Shit Together.

We asked him why a relationship book is needed now in this ongoing hellscape of a pandemic. I 

mean, that wasn't the deliberate, right? It wasn't like, well, Let's get a relationship book in the pandemic. Uh, but I think it's timely, you know, relationships, whether you like it or not attending, bring a lot to the surface for us.

Um, and often a lot of things that we're kinda ignoring or overcoming or pretending we can get along with when we really can. But a lot of the stuff that I, there was just. It's like anti-establishment. I, I really do believe I'm the fucking sex pistols in, in this area, right? Like, and I'm up against an ocean, a fucking area of Speedwagon.

And, um, there's nothing wrong with aerial speedwagon. It's just not what I'm doing. And, uh, you know, I'm really at, you know, really like no kid didn't, uh, to impact the quality of people's lives in what better way to do it than in the way they do relationships 

with everything that's going on in the world, right?

Yeah. I mean, everyone's getting new jobs and remote work and just everything is changing and divorces potentially on the rise here. Why is that? Are we at home with our significant others too 

much? I think there's two, there's two kinda changes that happen in a person's life. One is, When you are finally sick of your own shit, that'll force you to change.

Or when life forces you to change. So life will impose a condition upon you, something will happen. And it brings a perspective feel like, or a perspective shift. I think for many people at this time, that perspective shift has actually been empowering. I think many people have got clear about what matters to.

Mm-hmm. And started to really go like, shit, you know, where was I going? Where, you know, this isn't who I am, this isn't what I'm about, which is an interesting realization for somebody to have, and it shows that that kind of realization is possible for people. Unfortunately, in this situation, it's kinda forced upon them, but that you can come to that place where like, oh no, this is, this is not a life that I really want, and, and.

It kinda forces you to find solution. And the amazing thing is people find solution. Right? It's fucking shocking. Who knew? But, but at the same time, then there are those people who, this has been a suffocating experience and they've been burdened by, and it's been constraining and it's been pressing and it's been on them, but the same kinda conditions apply, right?

I want people to get like, okay, that's your experience of something. Because this, if you look at the, the term or the idea of a pandemic, it's this thing that shows up that impacts us all. Whether it impacts you in this way or that way, or whatever way, it doesn't matter, impacts everybody. Um, other generations have experienced those kinda circumstantial, all-encompassing things, right, from disease war, like those have been around forever, right?

And it impacts the quality. Of life. And it's amazing because, you know, I mean, I, I'm old enough to remember the Cold War and you know, that was like a specter hanging around in the background of everyone's thought. You know, I always talk about it. The one's going, oh fuck, you know, we're all gonna get blown up, you know, but, but every now and again, you know, with peak up in the news a little, and then it would go away, and then it would peak up.

And so it was this kinda like Eric, It's constantly on, and so when that kinda era ended, there was a palpable sense of relief. You actually got, wow, that really was a big deal. That really hung around society. I think this is the same, I think people will seen in years to come that this was a significant burden on people.

Even those that were like, oh, I don't care. I'm just getting on with my life. I, I think, I think it's had an impact on everybody and I think it would be one. Silly to underestimate the thing, but but also unwisely overestimate it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You know, you have to, you have to keep yourself grounded in some kinda logic and, um, and stay connected to, like I said, what matters to you, what inspires you, and whatever difference you're out to make with your friends or your family, your loved ones, or your community.

That's a, a lot of relationships that you also reference in the book. And because this book is not just a how to make things good with your spouse, this is very much your relationship with the entire world around you and your place in it, right? That's a lot to bite off, uh, in, in one book. How do you think you did?

Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it. Go for it. What I usually like to do in my books, and I say this all the time, but it's true. The real value in, in my books is not necessarily what I've written, but the thinking that you're going to have to do about what I've written, right? Like that's the fucking value. The value is in the, and the breaths you take between sentences and you go, oh.

Damn it, you know, shit. Or a paragraph or a chapter, whatever comes to mind, whatever investigating you do, if you just sit and kinda fucking turn your way through it, I mean, you'd be better just reading a Dorito's bag. You know? It's much more powerful for you to engage with what I'm saying here and think about what I'm saying.

And inform your wife through it, because I think that's where the real value in all of my books is. It's not so much, I mean, I'm putting you in a, a spot to kinda think, but the real treasure is, is in the thinking for 

sure. There's one thing you wrote, I wrote down a couple quotes from the book that I love and, and I think what you're getting at here, this quote kind of encapsulates that.

For what it's worth, I have no problem with confronting what I believe or even changing what I believe because I'd rather have happiness and love and passion and adventure than the tattered and bitter token of self-righteousness to console myself with on the cold and isolated nights of my life. And you should too.

I mean, that, that sums it up. I mean, if, if you're not challenging your own beliefs and your own ideas all of the time, are you really even growing? No. 

No, you're, you're fucking dying on the vine. Right. You really are. You're like, you're just gathering evidence for what you currently believe. You know, you can change your mind.

It's something, okay, and you can be convinced of something, but the critical parts of your life, if there's any element of those that doesn't work, you'll have to question what you've come to believe. Mm-hmm. You'll have to, and unbelieving a belief is not easy. Right. It's not easy because you've cannot built your life on it.

And you've even had conversations with people about, and that's one of the things I loved about like a lot of philosophers over the years, you know, when questioned on something, they'll say, yeah, I don't believe that anymore. People have been like, what the fuck you, you fucking don't believe that? I believe that shit that you told me.

And now you're saying you don't believe that anymore. You're like, no, no. I thought about it and that, no, I don't believe that to be right. And they had spent fucking 15 years of their life like talking about this thing, explaining this fucking thing. And all these people are like, oh, that's amazing. It's blown my mind.

And and then they're like, nah, move something else. I fucking love that. I love that. I love that. And, and, and why I love it, by the way, is because you can present people with something like, like a belief, and you can see life in terms of it. And you can see life through that belief. You can actually see like, oh shit.

Yeah, like, life seems to make sense inside of that. But you could also present them with something else, like a prism that they get to see life through. But that makes sense too. And it's all contextual. It's all a contextual, you know, shift for people. Um, there's a lot of things that right now in society, we believe to be fundamentally true.

That'll be proven to be not true. Yeah. I think part of the illusion that we have is that we are the fucking age of enlightenment, right? Yes. Now we are, we are the pre age of enlightenment, right? Like, we're still fucking stumbling around the dark, like. Trying to light the candle when really it's like a blazing fucking sun.

Um, and that's okay, but I think that's the kinda arrogance of being alive. The arrogance of being alive is that somehow. We've got it all worked out. Yeah. When are we fucking down? Yeah. We're just, we have, don't have this worked 

out. Yeah. Well, speaking of not having things worked out, I, I may have one or two or a million things that, that fall into that category myself.

I know for me, I've had a relationship in the past where I. I needed to change in order to make the other person happy. And I went through those efforts to step up and do the things that the person wanted me to do. Yeah. And in the end, it didn't work out. Like 

it just, oh, of course. Shoulda fucking called 

me.

Yeah. So why, why was I making a mistake there? 

Because you can't change who you are. You can't change who you are. No, you can't. Not, not fundamentally. Yeah. Right. You are wired a certain way, aren't you? Like I'm wired a certain way. Right. We're wired a certain way. If you are out to expand yourself as a human being, you are always looking to see what's beyond that, like what's outside of that.

Right. But that doesn't change. Mm-hmm. That's always there. Right, right. But, but I'm exploring and I'm looking. Right, but there's still this kind of mechanism just turning. You out every day. Yeah. You don't wake up and you're like, holy fuck, I'm somebody else. Nobody. You know, you wake up, you're like, I'm Zach, and you know, you didn't even fucking say that.

You already know you're Zach first thing in the morning. You don't have to remind yourself, not looking at me like, remember who you are. You know, you are, you are. Best thing, you're, you are. This thing, this series of thoughts and behaviors. It's there by default, but all too often in relationship, what happens is the two people come together.

If you take away all the bullshit, two people come together and what they see in the other person is something that they believe will fix them. Mm-hmm. So there's something about you. You have that thing and that you bring that thing and that makes me feel better about this thing. And that's happening both ways.

After a while in a relationship, you realize whatever that missing piece was for you is still fucking there. And that's the end of the honeymoon period. Mm-hmm. And now you're into, well, I don't like the way you do this. And, and then, and then the other person becomes the problem. Now, and I cannot be broad about this, but if you find yourself like, oh yeah, yeah, I'll change myself, you know, whatever you need to do, that actually points to some work you haven't done on yourself.

Mm-hmm. You're not settled with yourself. Which is okay. It's very human, but if you're, if you're not, it's not so much like, am I willing to do what? What works for the relationship? It's almost like you are acknowledging the flaw of self to acquiesce to their flaw of self. Like it's like, oh yeah, my bullshit's bigger than yours.

Right? Yeah. I think, I think a big key in all of this is vulnerability, is the ability to stand there and acknowledge who you are. Acknowledge what. Yeah, this is what I fucking ended up with. If I could have made it any different, do you think I wouldn't have done that. For some people it's expressing the love.

Nobody's growing up. Like I can't wait till I get older and can't fucking get the word love out my mouth. Mm-hmm. But we end up there. Yeah. Or I can't wait till I get older and fucking really master the arc of dark resentment.

Right. Yeah. Like, or whoa, unbridled anger here I fucking come, you know, nobody's doing that, but man, we end up there. Yeah. We end up there. We end up with fucking unbridled anger and resentment and the ability to express ourselves, or, or, or withholding or lying, or stealing or cheating or infidelity.

Nobody's fucking going through their youth like. 40, divorced and bankrupt. It's gonna be fucking great. No, and and your youth people are like, I want to do this and I want to do that, and I wanna fucking make records and I want to, well, maybe not records 'cause I'm sure amazing, but I don't wanna fucking be an actor or I want to, you know, whatever.

Yeah, it's all possibility. So I'm really interested in not only what turns did you take, what did you come to believe to be true? How does that play out in your relationship? But actually they put you a little bit back in charge. Like most of our relationships are not reflective of who we really are.

Mm-hmm. They're, they're, they're more like a game to try and keep something together in some way, shape or form. And, uh, when you get in touch with who you really are and you see your relationship in terms of that, You'll see why a lot of it doesn't work. Mm-hmm. 

So people don't change, but the relationship changes.

So what happened? What happens to that person who when they were 20, got married and went, oh man, this is gonna be amazing. What a life we're gonna have. We know each other, we love each other. This is gonna be great. And then they do hit 40. Yeah. And, and they hit the button and they're like, I'm out. I don't, I don't wanna do this anymore.

If they can't be changed. So something changed and maybe they didn't change the relationship, change 

changed. Let, lemme elucidate a little bit on that change thing, right? So if you start with like, there's a basic, you that set and immutable, okay, there it is. That you exists in an environment of endless you.

Mm-hmm. Endless potential you, but that you will never move. We spend our lives trying to fix that. You and I'm saying just fucking let it be. Look around what else is here. 'cause I think we're a little fascinated with the idea of change. I'm saying to people, this is an opportunity for you to experiment.

With the keys to the fucking Lamborghini. Mm-hmm. Rather than pondering whether you should get in it or not, this is your opportunity. There's like this thing here, this you, that you've ended up with, which is okay, but that's not the limit of you. Mm-hmm. And but that's the you that people tend to focus on, to focus on trying to make more this, less that, fix this, repair that.

No, I say let that be. We know what that does. It's not so fucking great. Let's be honest, right? It's not amazing. It does what it does and it survives this fucking life. So that won't change. What can change is your awareness of that, how you can actually start a master, how that impacts your life, how you can actually start to experiment and express and experience yourself in new ways.

That's what change it. Then what's showing up in life really is like a new you, but that old fucking dynamo that ain't going anywhere, that'll still be there. Like, you know, I'm not good enough, I can't do it. And then, yeah, yeah. Like that's not fucking going anywhere. That's there. Alright. Now what? And so, you know, For those that feel as if they're constrained or they find it difficult because breakthrough in their life is because they're trying to make this thing breakthrough, rather than just let that thing be, it does what it does.

The interesting thing for me as human beings is your ability to create your experience of being alive. Mm-hmm. We all have that. It's there. Whether you experience it or not, doesn't matter to me right now. I, I just want you to know you have that capacity. You have the capacity to create love, but not to create love, to fix something.

See, that's bullshit. Mm-hmm. I said, I'm not going to do that just so that you fucking feel better about the way that I pick my toes in bed. Right? I don't do that. But anyway, if I did do that, but what I'm interested in is expressing love for the sake of love. I'm interested in bringing to the table what I believe is consistent with the kind of relationship that I want to have with a person.

And that's when you have to start getting straight to yourself and really start to identify what is it that matters to you in relationship. Like what do you want this to be about? And rather than looking across the table to see whether your partner's bringing it, which would be another fucking absurdity, because if I want love in my relationship and I'm sitting there going, okay, fucking don't love me, do what you got.

I'm the one that wants it. If I want love in this relationship, oh, this is my fucking job. 'cause this is what I want this to be about. Or if I want it to be about connection or passion or loyalty or adventure or whatever, you know, start to identify who you need to be here, which in many cases, by the way, will start to disrupt that little fucking default survival you.

That makes 

sense. Yeah. Yeah. So the fundamental wiring that we have that you're suggesting, we just Yeah. Give it b and I would argue that my wiring wouldn't pass code, but that's, that's a different conversation. Is that No, that's good. Um, is that why you think that like people tend to repeat patterns in their relationships and keep going after the wrong thing and, and, and, yeah.

That is it over and over 

again. Right? So in the book, I call it an identity relationship. So whatever you're missing piece is. Meets up with their missing peace. Yeah. And even though you're like, well, you know, I don't even know why I find the people attractive, who I find attractive. I'm fucking telling you why.

Because when the dust settles, the way that they are actually allows you to continue being you. So that's why like people say, well, I don't always attract assholes. I'm like, 'cause you're fucking looking for them. Yeah, yeah. Why do I attract this kind of person? You don't attract them, you find them and it's amazing.

People like, what? What is that? Because it allows you to perpetuate. All of that internal mechanism over and over and over and over. So for instance, if part of your internal mechanism is I'm not lovable, right? Which is pretty common actually, but I'm not lovable, right? I can't have love in my life. You might meet somebody, you, I really love you, and they say, I love you.

And you go like, yeah, this is fucking awesome and I love you and I you love, this is fucking great. Mm-hmm. After a while you will find a way to invalidate. They're loving you. Yeah. You'll diminish it. You'll undercut it. You'll either invalidate them or yourself or the love that they're talking about.

Mm-hmm. So that, that internal noise, I'm not lovable, will prevail because I'm not lovable, can't exist in the same moment of time as I love you. I can't. So the more you understand about that, which sometimes people get a little like desperate, like, oh my God, I'm fucked. No you're not. You're fucked if you believe it.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. And the only way you believe it is when you don't recognize it for what it is. If you see it for what it is, it's no longer a belief 'cause you're observing it. So you're not the believer, you're the observer. When you believe it, there's no way out of it. 

It's funny hearing you say that. I've, I've done that.

You know, I've been married for 20 years. I've done that with my wife, where we went. I love you. I love, and, and we're, we're still good. There's nothing there. But, but I, I do that like, oh, I'm not, they can't possibly love me. This is both. I never thought about how fucking insulting that has to be to the person who loves you.

Oh my, to not feel their love. Like that's, That's a mindblower for me. I'd never thought of how insulting that. Right. What 

the fuck that chop fucking liver. Yeah. Like right. And, and some things, that's what it comes down to. Like some things people, it'll get vicious about like, you don't know how to love somebody or when you say you love me, you dunno what you're talking about.

Yeah. You can't know what you're talking about. So all of that points to some incompletion from your own, you know, earlier life, childhood or teenagers or something when you had an experience and experience was real. And then it stuck. And that is a big part of your youth. You know, like in your younger years, you're kinda looking around you to get a sense of what you need to be on your toes about, and, and in that equation, you're working out who you are.

Mm-hmm. And invariably who you are is, it's not fucking good news. Yeah. Because you're trying to work out, you, you, you have these little kinda wounded moments where something happened and. Rattled your cage a bit. Mm-hmm. That gets internalized. Now you're out to avoid that. Now you're out to overcome that and to make sure people don't see that, or you become someone and, and that, that and that, that you, that you become walks into relationship.

Right. And then you're like, this isn't no, well, maybe it's just a communication issue. No, you're fucked. Stop. Right. Just stop. What the fuck are you doing? And but that's the way two people walk in, which is, someone asked me a while ago actually asked me on social media, they said, what advice do you have for someone in their twenties?

And I said, don't come outta your twenties until you've fully completed your past. Yeah, for real. I. Because if, if you can get that settled for yourself, you'll be free as a fucking bird. 

Do you think that's what's meant by what is You can't love someone else unless you love yourself. Is is that 

Well, that's a little pollyannish from Yeah.

You know, I'm a fucking sex person. We can anyway. So you can't, there's a place that I can to about a dozen years or so ago, and, and there had been this experience in ourself that was very, uh, disempowering. And I finally got, I'm okay. Mm-hmm. I'm fucking okay. Yeah, I'm okay. You know, like, I'm okay. Yeah. Oh, man.

What a relief. What a like. Fuck, I'm okay. Like I'm okay. Yeah. Right. And it was moving and, and wild. Even like to get that I'm okay. Like, like all of it. The whole fucking thing. All the shit. It's okay. Yeah. You know, um, it's okay for me to be me and, and it's okay that I fucked some things up, but it's okay that, that I can, that I get wounded or vulnerable or, or people might do things.

I'm okay and it's okay. And so I never. I never bought into that whole thing of loving myself. I'm really much more settled with being at peace with it. I'm in a good spot with me. Yeah. And, um, that alone is fucking mind blowing when you can kinda sit there and take life from there like, you know. I'm gonna take it on from here.

Yeah. Um, and then people can say shit, and you're like, oh yeah, but I'm 

okay. I love that. Mm-hmm. Uh, I know we just have a minute or so left. I gotta know, a, as you're writing a book like this, does your wife read over your shoulder? Does she get to see the pages? And at any point did she, oh, Gary, you're so full of shit.

You can't say that. Well, my wife thinks 

I'm fucking full of shit anyway, so that doesn't make any difference. It's my wife what? Expecting like she's gotta be washing my fucking feet at night. So, um, no, I mean, she's my wife, you know, like, Weird like this, but, but I, but I love what I say, you know, like it's real.

This isn't, this isn't some fucking bullshit strategy. This is how I live. Yeah. Um, and one thing that I will add, by the way in the book is I say it's okay to argue, stop making arguing like a fucking big thing. It's nothing, you know, and you can let that chat out and get it sad. And it doesn't mean that definit, if even if later there's something you need to clean up, then just clean it up and let's move the fuck on.

Yeah. 

Yeah. I love that. Gary, we're outta time. Thank you so much. Love talking to you and uh, let's do it again with the next one. Alright, you guys. Awesome, thanks so much. Thanks. 

That was Gary John Bishop and his new book is Love Unfuck, getting Your Relationship Shit Together. You can head over to the fit mask.com and check out the show notes for this episode to learn more about Gary and we will have links in there for the two other episodes that he was on.

So just to kinda wrap up that conversation. Whatever relationship you're working on, the work has to be on you and for you. You can't change other people and you can't change for other people because then you're just adopting whatever broken shit they bring into the relationship. The work has to be on becoming the best version of you that you can be, so that you can truly add value to whatever relationship you are in or want to create.

And if there's a relationship that you want to create, don't let the conversation about getting your relationship shit together. End there. Find us in our Facebook group where you and fellow fitness listeners can support each other. Take part in our monthly challenges and create accountability to reach your goals or just find connection with our community.

That link is also on our website where we will be back next week with a brand new episode with Fitness and Lifestyle Transformation Coach London Souza. She's the host of the Self-Love and Sweat podcast. You'll find it@thefitmask.com. Thanks for listening. 

See everyone 

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Prior to implementing anything discussed in this podcast, it is your responsibility to conduct your own research and consult your physician. You should assume that Jeremy and Zach don't know what they're talking about and they're not liable for any physical or emotional issues that occurred directly or indirectly from listening to this podcast.