How To Make Friends As An Adult, With Megan Devito

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you ever felt alone and struggled to make
new friends as an adult?

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Making friends gets tougher after school
and college when we no longer have that

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built in social circle.

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This can lead to loneliness, especially
for those working remotely, or maybe

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you've moved recently.

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In this episode, you'll understand why
adult friendships are challenging, but

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possible.

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You'll learn practical strategies to put
yourself out conversations and make new

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connections.

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So keep listening so you can learn how to
make friends that stick, even if you're an

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introvert who struggles with small talk.

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All right.

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It's a question that I know a lot of
people are dealing with.

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I hear about this a lot from other full
grown adults.

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How do you make friends as an adult?

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How do you just go up to random people and
somehow go from stranger in the coffee

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shop to friend you're hanging out with?

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I still don't know.

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I think I'm getting a little closer to
figuring out a path.

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and that's largely because I started this
year with my one word goal of community,

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right?

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Like I realized how alone I've been, how
lonely I've felt and

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I'm aware that I need to put myself out
there and meet people and make friends.

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And so yesterday I'm out walking my dog,
dogs, I have two as it turns out, and I'm

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doing it alone.

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I'm taking my little nature bath alone
with my dogs.

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Came home, got in the sauna alone by
myself for 20 minutes.

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Then I got in the cold tub for 10 minutes
alone by myself.

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Then I'm in the shower realizing like all
these things I'm doing to manage my mental

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health, to manage my physical health, to
take care of myself, to expand my

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longevity and be a better person and all
of these things.

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The most important things I'm doing with
my time, I'm doing them alone.

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And it just hit me like, why are you not
including more people in these things that

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are the most important part of your life?

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And this is no fault of my wife.

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She's been begging to do these things with
me forever.

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And I'm always just like, no, I'm going to
go run now.

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Bye.

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And so it just, it was really vivid to me
that like all of the attention I've put

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into taking care of myself has been on
isolated activities and you know, very

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much the man in the arena, right?

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Like I'm here fighting this battle alone
and nobody can help me.

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But it was just shocking to me how much I
spend my time doing these super important

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things alone.

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Yeah, and a lot of them, it is better to
do them alone, right?

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I mean, there's an amount of work here
that, I don't necessarily want to sit in a

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sauna with anyone and sweat like that.

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That's fun alone.

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I know being cold, that's something I do
alone.

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A lot of this work is important to do
alone to be okay with it first.

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then you can share in the experience,
right?

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I mean, I wouldn't want to, there's a lot
of self -care things that I don't know if

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I would continue them if I started with
another person.

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It's, you know, falling in love with
yourself is pretty important to me.

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But yeah, no, I spent a lot of days
wondering, like, you know, like I...

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just go out into the wild, like leave my
house and be like, why has no one like

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glommed onto me and like, you know, made
friends with me?

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What's going on?

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Am I ugly?

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What's going on here?

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But it's, it's that, you know, like when
my daughter and I were talking about

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snakes the other day and she, she was
like, I'm so scared of the snake.

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I was like, look, the snake is probably
more scared of you than you are of it.

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And I was like, my God, people are the
same way.

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People like if you go out and just expect
somebody to make friends with you, I don't

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think it's going to happen.

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Like it's rare, right?

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To find those people that are comfortable
doing that.

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So unfortunately, what's the harder of the
two?

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You gotta walk up to the people.

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You gotta do the things.

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You gotta, right?

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It's, I don't know.

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It always bothers me when you're like,
ugh, the solution is the hard one.

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I know, I know, because it always is.

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That's like if the solutions were easy,
there'd be no problems.

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That's just simple math.

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But it is interesting, you know, the work
that I've been putting in to build that

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community, to make those friends has been
very much on this path.

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I've been going to this group cold plunge
thing every week.

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I'm getting to know those people every
week to where we all sort of look forward

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to seeing each other.

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It's a nice little social gathering.

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So that's one of my wellness things that
is expanding.

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And from that, I met a guy who now we go
running two or three times a week up in

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the trails.

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And so like it's it's interesting how it's
evolving.

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And I think part of it is something that
you hinted at at the beginning where, you

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know, we do this stuff alone to get OK
with ourselves, to get OK with the voices

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in our own heads and the discomfort of not
performing and not being the mask that we

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wear for everybody.

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But I think I've just gotten to a point
where like I'm actually kind of OK with

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me.

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Yeah.

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I hate myself so much less than I used to,
you know, it's, it's kind of nice.

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And so now it, it feels okay to let people
in to this part, to that part of my world

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to share it now, because it's, it's not
just about fighting this, this silent,

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lonely fight against, you know, sad, angry
voices.

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Now it's something that like, I enjoy
doing this stuff and it would be cool to

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share it with other people.

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Yeah, it's, it is very interesting how so
much of my life and I was like, well, I

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can't go do that because I don't know how
to do it yet.

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Like, and it defeats the whole purpose of
going to do it.

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Like we were all beginners at something at
some point in time.

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I think, you know, at the gym the other
day, someone new came in and they're like,

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you know, we're all lifting weights and
they, they did it like, you know, with no

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weight.

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And I made sure to like walk up to that
person and be like, hey, great job.

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That was awesome.

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You did really awesome.

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Like, just like encourage that.

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Cause nobody's going like, ugh, what a
loser, right?

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They don't know how to do something.

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No one's doing that, right?

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I mean, and if they are, you don't want to
be friends with them anyway, right?

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So it took me a long time to realize, just
go do the thing, regardless of like what

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it is or what your skill capacity is.

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Just go do the thing and it's going to be
better for you.

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But same thing.

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Like I am so much more open with what I'm
not good at and just socializing with

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those things.

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So I'm I will never be good at golf ever.

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I've just come to terms with it.

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I will never be good at it.

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I get pissed off when I'm out there.

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But like, you know, I just recently played
with with a friend of mine who is really

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good at golf.

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And he doesn't care.

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Like we just go out there and have a good
time and that's it.

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No, I think I think you're right.

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Most of the time that friend that you're
playing golf with just wants your company.

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They're not out there for the competition.

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They're not out there trying to one up
somebody.

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They just want to spend time with you.

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A friend of mine who went through a
similar situation moving to a new place,

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knowing nobody intentionally was like, I'm
going to be somebody else when I get

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there.

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I'm going to be the person that goes up to
the other parents at school to pick up my

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kid and just talk to them because they
they need that interaction as much as I

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do.

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But I'm going to be the one brave enough
to start it.

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And I admire the shit out of that because
that is not something that I am

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comfortable doing.

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I probably could do it, but I overthink
the conversation.

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I worry like, I don't know this person.

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I barely know me.

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What are we going to talk about?

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I don't know what to do here, but it is so
important to, we're social creatures.

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That's what we're designed to do.

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And we are evolving a planet and a society
that is more and more isolated and relying

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on fake connection.

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And so the loneliness just gets worse and
worse and worse because we just jump onto

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Instagram and become friends that way.

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Right.

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Like we're not actually out there, out
there interacting and creating real bonds

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and real connection with people.

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And I'm seeing it, the, the little bit of
effort that I'm putting in and the

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friendships I'm making are making me so
much happier and making me feel so much

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better.

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So I just, I wanted to figure out a way to
help our listeners get to the point where

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I'm trying to get to.

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And coincidentally,

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I was listening to the More Than Anxiety
podcast the other day, a show that you and

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I were lucky enough to be on with the
host, Megan Devito.

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She did a show all about this, about how
to make friends.

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So I reached out to her and said, hey,
Megan, come on our show and help us make

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friends, because it's getting lonely over

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00:08:49,998.2830569151556 --> 00:08:50,818.2830569151556
what's the deal?

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00:08:50,818.2830569151556 --> 00:08:54,6.283056915155612
Why is it so hard for us as adults to
figure out how to make friends?

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My theory on this really, and it's funny
because the whole conversation, my whole

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podcast episode came from a conversation
with my 23 year old son, who was like,

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there's literally no one in my age racket
who has the same interests of me and all

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of Indianapolis.

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And I'm like, I don't think that's true,
man.

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But he and I'm like, you're 23.

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You went to college there.

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I know there's people.

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And he's like, no, I think they all left.

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They didn't leave.

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So my theory on this, I'm like, OK,
listen, here's what's going on for 20, 20

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years.

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You've been in this artificial like.

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microcosm of friendship, right?

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Like we go to preschool, we go to
kindergarten, all the way through high

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school with these kids where we grow up
and are, you know, what you like to do.

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They're on the same sports teams as you.

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You eat lunch with them.

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You're with them all the time, like seven
hours a day, five days a week for

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sometimes 12 or 15 years with these same
kids.

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I mean, if you're from a little town like
I am.

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And it's like, of course you're friends
with them because you've basically

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inherited siblings or cousins or just
people that you're with all the time.

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00:09:58,607.2830569151556 --> 00:10:02,667.2830569151556
And then you graduate high school and
suddenly it's like, whoa, what happened?

194
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But then you go to college where you live
in a dorm with them or you join a

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fraternity or a sorority or you share an
apartment.

196
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And again, you're going through things
with these people and then you graduate.

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00:10:14,447.2830569151556 --> 00:10:18,737.2830569151556
And then it's really, whoa, where did
everybody go?

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00:10:18,737.2830569151556 --> 00:10:21,235.2830569151556
Because we don't have that.

199
00:10:22,587.2830569151556 --> 00:10:26,7.283056915155612
fake community, which I guess is really,
it's really a real community.

200
00:10:26,7.283056915155612 --> 00:10:29,627.2830569151556
We don't have that handed to us community
anymore.

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And suddenly it's like, you're on your own
kid, get out there and go find some

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friends.

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00:10:33,407.2830569151556 --> 00:10:36,7.283056915155612
But suddenly it's like crickets and
nobody's there.

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00:10:36,7.283056915155612 --> 00:10:40,167.2830569151556
And you do think that nobody is in the
state of, you know, nobody's in the city

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00:10:40,167.2830569151556 --> 00:10:44,207.2830569151556
of Indianapolis who's anything like you,
but those same people who you lived with

206
00:10:44,207.2830569151556 --> 00:10:49,367.2830569151556
just like one year ago live in the same
city, but things are different.

207
00:10:49,403.2830569151556 --> 00:10:50,723.2830569151556
So I think that's what makes it hard.

208
00:10:50,723.2830569151556 --> 00:10:53,163.2830569151556
It's like all of a sudden we're self
-conscious, we don't know where to find

209
00:10:53,163.2830569151556 --> 00:10:57,619.2830569151556
people, we can't talk because we're not
with them all the time anymore.

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00:10:57,664.2830569151556 --> 00:11:01,744.2830569151556
And then, and then I'm just, you know,
I've loved to hear you elaborate a little

211
00:11:01,744.2830569151556 --> 00:11:02,394.2830569151556
bit more, right?

212
00:11:02,394.2830569151556 --> 00:11:08,44.28305691515561
Because we would graduate and like when I
graduated college, I went to a job and I

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00:11:08,44.28305691515561 --> 00:11:10,694.2830569151556
went into an office and I made friends in
the office.

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00:11:10,694.2830569151556 --> 00:11:16,204.2830569151556
So like there was that additional piece,
but now I work from home and more people

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00:11:16,204.2830569151556 --> 00:11:16,824.2830569151556
work from home.

216
00:11:16,824.2830569151556 --> 00:11:17,994.2830569151556
We're not going into the office.

217
00:11:17,994.2830569151556 --> 00:11:22,944.2830569151556
Like I know a few people who their first
job out of college is at home and all

218
00:11:22,944.2830569151556 --> 00:11:23,444.2830569151556
alone.

219
00:11:23,444.2830569151556 --> 00:11:25,234.2830569151556
So like, talk about that.

220
00:11:25,234.2830569151556 --> 00:11:25,894.2830569151556
Tell me about that.

221
00:11:25,894.2830569151556 --> 00:11:27,8.283056915155612
Like is that.

222
00:11:27,8.283056915155612 --> 00:11:28,856.2830569151556
That's just increasing it, right?

223
00:11:28,987.2830569151556 --> 00:11:29,847.2830569151556
It is.

224
00:11:29,847.2830569151556 --> 00:11:35,327.2830569151556
And we're coming off that, I mean, I hate
going back to this, but God, we're going

225
00:11:35,327.2830569151556 --> 00:11:36,257.2830569151556
to keep going back to it.

226
00:11:36,257.2830569151556 --> 00:11:36,827.2830569151556
COVID.

227
00:11:36,827.2830569151556 --> 00:11:39,987.2830569151556
Well, I mean, let's talk about the fact
that we all were homebound, right?

228
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And in that place of not only becoming
terrified that we were going to die if we

229
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went out or saw somebody face to face, but
really it became secure to be at home.

230
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And it did some big time damage to how we
socialize with people, especially, I

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think, for

232
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kids who were in that place of like brain
development where they really were trying

233
00:11:59,935.2830569151556 --> 00:12:03,735.2830569151556
to figure out how to become who they were
or how to socialize with people, but also

234
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for adults where we lost track of people.

235
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Some people didn't go back to the same
places like the people we were friends

236
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with at work.

237
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And then for people who are partially
remote or fully remote, we don't have

238
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those connections that we used to have.

239
00:12:18,225.2830569151556 --> 00:12:23,175.2830569151556
And somewhere along the line, we just
broke that pathway in our brains where

240
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it's like,

241
00:12:24,443.2830569151556 --> 00:12:28,433.2830569151556
I know, I go up and I say, hey, did you
see the game last night?

242
00:12:28,433.2830569151556 --> 00:12:29,233.2830569151556
you like that game?

243
00:12:29,233.2830569151556 --> 00:12:29,953.2830569151556
I like that game.

244
00:12:29,953.2830569151556 --> 00:12:32,63.28305691515561
Or I went to this new restaurant.

245
00:12:32,63.28305691515561 --> 00:12:37,43.28305691515561
Those casual conversations became awkward.

246
00:12:37,43.28305691515561 --> 00:12:42,163.2830569151556
And they became like, well, that's what I
do on Instagram, or that's what I do on

247
00:12:42,163.2830569151556 --> 00:12:43,413.2830569151556
Twitter or threads or whatever.

248
00:12:43,413.2830569151556 --> 00:12:46,483.2830569151556
I talk to people on there because they
can't see me.

249
00:12:46,483.2830569151556 --> 00:12:47,493.2830569151556
And I don't have any idea.

250
00:12:47,493.2830569151556 --> 00:12:50,443.2830569151556
I could never just walk up to somebody and
be like, hey, did you see the game?

251
00:12:50,443.2830569151556 --> 00:12:52,121.28305691515561
Because that would be weird.

252
00:12:52,422.2830569151556 --> 00:12:54,2.283056915155612
so two things there, right?

253
00:12:54,2.283056915155612 --> 00:12:55,642.2830569151556
One, I'm very much an introvert.

254
00:12:55,642.2830569151556 --> 00:12:57,382.2830569151556
That's why I do an audio podcast, right?

255
00:12:57,382.2830569151556 --> 00:13:01,602.2830569151556
My social interaction is all audio
recorded and shared that way.

256
00:13:01,862.2830569151556 --> 00:13:06,82.28305691515561
So A, small talk just kills me.

257
00:13:06,82.28305691515561 --> 00:13:09,562.2830569151556
I could give two shits about the game,
right?

258
00:13:09,562.2830569151556 --> 00:13:12,142.2830569151556
I could give two shits about how was your
weekend.

259
00:13:12,142.2830569151556 --> 00:13:15,482.2830569151556
I don't tell them what happened to you
when you were six that you're still

260
00:13:15,482.2830569151556 --> 00:13:16,72.28305691515561
traumatized by.

261
00:13:16,72.28305691515561 --> 00:13:16,802.2830569151556
Let's go deep.

262
00:13:16,802.2830569151556 --> 00:13:19,42.28305691515561
I know we just met, but come on, what's
the deal here?

263
00:13:19,42.28305691515561 --> 00:13:20,482.2830569151556
That's where I want to live.

264
00:13:20,482.2830569151556 --> 00:13:21,51.28305691515561
I can't.

265
00:13:21,51.28305691515561 --> 00:13:22,711.2830569151556
do the small talk.

266
00:13:22,731.2830569151556 --> 00:13:26,991.2830569151556
So that in combination with being an
introvert and then having that

267
00:13:26,991.2830569151556 --> 00:13:31,211.2830569151556
highlighted, you know, with COVID, the
idea of going up to some rando in a coffee

268
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shop and going like, Hey, we both come
here a lot.

269
00:13:34,71.28305691515561 --> 00:13:34,821.2830569151556
What's your deal?

270
00:13:34,821.2830569151556 --> 00:13:41,51.28305691515561
Like just every part of that to me is like
red flag, no run the other way.

271
00:13:41,771.2830569151556 --> 00:13:43,571.2830569151556
So, so help me out here.

272
00:13:43,571.2830569151556 --> 00:13:44,431.2830569151556
What do I do with this?

273
00:13:44,431.2830569151556 --> 00:13:46,51.28305691515561
I'm a mess.

274
00:13:46,107.28305691515561 --> 00:13:49,687.2830569151556
So as a coach, my first thought is, is it
true that you really can't come up and ask

275
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somebody about something?

276
00:13:50,397.2830569151556 --> 00:13:51,767.2830569151556
Because I don't think it is true.

277
00:13:51,767.2830569151556 --> 00:13:55,406.2830569151556
I think that it's harder for people who
are introverted because we are kind of

278
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like, one of my friends this morning had
posted that her neighbor was like, my

279
00:13:59,547.2830569151556 --> 00:14:01,227.2830569151556
gosh, do you want to come over and see my
turtle?

280
00:14:01,227.2830569151556 --> 00:14:01,877.2830569151556
It's grown so much.

281
00:14:01,877.2830569151556 --> 00:14:03,327.2830569151556
And she was like, no, I don't.

282
00:14:03,327.2830569151556 --> 00:14:04,637.2830569151556
So and I'm like the same way.

283
00:14:04,637.2830569151556 --> 00:14:06,167.2830569151556
I'm like, no, I don't want to.

284
00:14:06,167.2830569151556 --> 00:14:08,447.2830569151556
I don't want to talk about your stupid
turtle.

285
00:14:08,447.2830569151556 --> 00:14:11,277.2830569151556
Yeah, but we do.

286
00:14:11,277.2830569151556 --> 00:14:13,527.2830569151556
But we really do do that, though.

287
00:14:13,527.2830569151556 --> 00:14:14,715.2830569151556
It's not.

288
00:14:14,715.2830569151556 --> 00:14:19,235.2830569151556
we're not to the point where we can't be
like, hey, nice shoes or something like

289
00:14:19,235.2830569151556 --> 00:14:19,385.2830569151556
that.

290
00:14:19,385.2830569151556 --> 00:14:21,795.2830569151556
You know, we don't want to talk about your
shoes for hours.

291
00:14:21,795.2830569151556 --> 00:14:23,745.2830569151556
We don't want to like we don't need that.

292
00:14:23,745.2830569151556 --> 00:14:24,635.2830569151556
Like, thanks.

293
00:14:24,635.2830569151556 --> 00:14:25,445.2830569151556
I bought them here.

294
00:14:25,445.2830569151556 --> 00:14:26,355.2830569151556
And it was this.

295
00:14:26,355.2830569151556 --> 00:14:27,945.2830569151556
But we can do it.

296
00:14:27,945.2830569151556 --> 00:14:30,545.2830569151556
But we have thoughts about who we are when
we do it.

297
00:14:30,545.2830569151556 --> 00:14:30,744.2830569151556
Right.

298
00:14:30,744.2830569151556 --> 00:14:32,915.2830569151556
Like, I don't want to know.

299
00:14:32,915.2830569151556 --> 00:14:33,586.2830569151556
Yeah.

300
00:14:33,586.2830569151556 --> 00:14:37,466.2830569151556
a guy, like there's a lot of me that that
holds back in that way because I don't

301
00:14:37,466.2830569151556 --> 00:14:39,366.2830569151556
want to be seen as like some weird dude,
right?

302
00:14:39,366.2830569151556 --> 00:14:40,716.2830569151556
Like, what's this guy talking about?

303
00:14:40,716.2830569151556 --> 00:14:43,346.2830569151556
My shoes like like my wife.

304
00:14:43,886.2830569151556 --> 00:14:46,626.2830569151556
Yeah, my wife could go up to anybody and
say cool shoes.

305
00:14:46,626.2830569151556 --> 00:14:48,666.2830569151556
She did that to Macklemore one time,
didn't know it was him.

306
00:14:48,666.2830569151556 --> 00:14:52,766.2830569151556
But like if I went up to him like, hey,
bro, cool shoes like he's going, what's

307
00:14:52,766.2830569151556 --> 00:14:53,196.2830569151556
his angle?

308
00:14:53,196.2830569151556 --> 00:14:53,936.2830569151556
What's this guy's deal?

309
00:14:53,936.2830569151556 --> 00:14:54,696.2830569151556
Like what's going on?

310
00:14:54,696.2830569151556 --> 00:14:58,986.2830569151556
Like that's that's what's going on in my
head is why are you talking to me?

311
00:14:58,986.2830569151556 --> 00:15:00,267.2830569151556
That's bizarre.

312
00:15:00,267.2830569151556 --> 00:15:01,267.2830569151556
Yeah.

313
00:15:01,338.2830569151556 --> 00:15:06,798.2830569151556
But I think to your point, and you talk
about this in your show, if it's a shared

314
00:15:07,198.2830569151556 --> 00:15:10,738.2830569151556
interest thing, and this is what I've been
doing, I've found a cold plunge group.

315
00:15:10,738.2830569151556 --> 00:15:13,398.2830569151556
So every Sunday we go and we get in cold
water for half an hour together, and it's

316
00:15:13,398.2830569151556 --> 00:15:13,688.2830569151556
awesome.

317
00:15:13,688.2830569151556 --> 00:15:18,17.283056915155612
And so we talk about, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's pretty awesome.

318
00:15:18,718.2830569151556 --> 00:15:22,718.2830569151556
But there's plenty of conversation that
comes up there because we're all basically

319
00:15:22,718.2830569151556 --> 00:15:24,890.2830569151556
trying to distract each other from the
pain, right?

320
00:15:24,890.2830569151556 --> 00:15:28,809.2830569151556
So when there's that shared thing that
brings you together, that's the familiar,

321
00:15:28,809.2830569151556 --> 00:15:29,810.2830569151556
hey, I did this in school.

322
00:15:29,810.2830569151556 --> 00:15:31,70.28305691515561
We all have to be here.

323
00:15:31,70.28305691515561 --> 00:15:32,370.2830569151556
Let's get through this together.

324
00:15:32,370.2830569151556 --> 00:15:34,30.283056915155612
Work, hey, we all have to be here.

325
00:15:34,30.283056915155612 --> 00:15:35,330.2830569151556
Let's get through this together.

326
00:15:35,330.2830569151556 --> 00:15:39,810.2830569151556
So if you can choose what's the thing we
all have to be here doing, it's because

327
00:15:39,810.2830569151556 --> 00:15:40,740.2830569151556
you want to be there.

328
00:15:40,740.2830569151556 --> 00:15:43,90.28305691515561
You're not being forced into this
situation.

329
00:15:43,90.28305691515561 --> 00:15:47,610.2830569151556
I think that is sort of the natural,
pardon the pun here, but icebreaker that

330
00:15:47,610.2830569151556 --> 00:15:49,600.2830569151556
helps you create those relationships.

331
00:15:49,724.2830569151556 --> 00:15:50,344.2830569151556
Yeah.

332
00:15:50,344.2830569151556 --> 00:15:53,624.2830569151556
And you can be in the cold plunge for a
half hour, which blows my mind, first of

333
00:15:53,624.2830569151556 --> 00:15:53,824.2830569151556
all.

334
00:15:53,824.2830569151556 --> 00:15:57,104.28305691515561
But you all have something in common
already.

335
00:15:57,104.28305691515561 --> 00:15:59,104.28305691515561
You're there for cold plunge, right?

336
00:15:59,104.28305691515561 --> 00:16:04,944.2830569151556
At school, I think that surviving the pain
is a really good analogy, because a lot of

337
00:16:04,944.2830569151556 --> 00:16:08,364.2830569151556
people are at school don't want to be
there.

338
00:16:08,364.2830569151556 --> 00:16:12,224.2830569151556
I mean, especially kids that are like, I
mean, have you seen what's going on

339
00:16:12,224.2830569151556 --> 00:16:12,554.2830569151556
outside?

340
00:16:12,554.2830569151556 --> 00:16:13,204.2830569151556
I want to be outside.

341
00:16:13,204.2830569151556 --> 00:16:15,204.2830569151556
I want to be in this classroom doing math
right now.

342
00:16:15,204.2830569151556 --> 00:16:18,747.2830569151556
So there is like that shared pain
experience too, which.

343
00:16:18,747.2830569151556 --> 00:16:21,87.28305691515561
especially for introverts, if you can
share about your pain.

344
00:16:21,87.28305691515561 --> 00:16:23,687.2830569151556
That's quality introvert conversation,
right?

345
00:16:23,687.2830569151556 --> 00:16:25,167.2830569151556
Like, let's talk about your inner child.

346
00:16:25,167.2830569151556 --> 00:16:30,427.2830569151556
But there is that level of when you're
thinking about where do I find these

347
00:16:30,427.2830569151556 --> 00:16:33,347.2830569151556
people who I could actually be friends
with?

348
00:16:33,347.2830569151556 --> 00:16:34,987.2830569151556
They're everywhere.

349
00:16:34,987.2830569151556 --> 00:16:38,867.2830569151556
But we put ourselves kind of in this catch
-22 where I don't want to look like a

350
00:16:38,867.2830569151556 --> 00:16:40,287.2830569151556
weirdo if I talk to them.

351
00:16:40,287.2830569151556 --> 00:16:43,707.2830569151556
But how do I know if I'm ever going to
connect with them if I'm not really

352
00:16:43,707.2830569151556 --> 00:16:47,900.2830569151556
willing to go out there and be a weirdo
for a second and say,

353
00:16:47,900.2830569151556 --> 00:16:51,380.2830569151556
nice shoes or how you doing?

354
00:16:51,380.2830569151556 --> 00:16:53,40.28305691515561
Like really just like how you doing?

355
00:16:53,40.28305691515561 --> 00:16:54,260.2830569151556
And everybody's like fine.

356
00:16:54,260.2830569151556 --> 00:16:55,620.2830569151556
But what if we didn't?

357
00:16:55,620.2830569151556 --> 00:16:56,690.2830569151556
What if we didn't say fine?

358
00:16:56,690.2830569151556 --> 00:17:00,20.283056915155612
What if we said I'm freaking amazing
today?

359
00:17:00,320.2830569151556 --> 00:17:02,980.2830569151556
I mean, what would happen if we answered
like with how we really felt?

360
00:17:02,980.2830569151556 --> 00:17:04,730.2830569151556
Maybe that opens that introvert corridor.

361
00:17:04,730.2830569151556 --> 00:17:05,350.2830569151556
I don't know.

362
00:17:05,350.2830569151556 --> 00:17:10,360.2830569151556
But that that idea of if you can really
connect with somebody, if you're like

363
00:17:10,360.2830569151556 --> 00:17:14,638.2830569151556
really showing up and you kind of like
knock them over with your answer.

364
00:17:15,324.2830569151556 --> 00:17:17,584.2830569151556
then you start learning about them.

365
00:17:17,584.2830569151556 --> 00:17:23,774.2830569151556
And I guess for, like my advice to my kid
really was like, what do you want to do?

366
00:17:23,774.2830569151556 --> 00:17:24,984.2830569151556
Like, what do you like to do?

367
00:17:24,984.2830569151556 --> 00:17:30,444.283056915272
Because you are not the only person in
your location who likes that.

368
00:17:30,444.283056915272 --> 00:17:31,794.283056915272
Like you were doing that before.

369
00:17:31,794.283056915272 --> 00:17:35,924.283056915272
There are other people there, but they're
not going to like pop in out of the sky

370
00:17:35,924.283056915272 --> 00:17:40,104.28305691527203
and say, hey, you like this, I like this,
we should go like this together.

371
00:17:40,104.28305691527203 --> 00:17:41,524.283056915272
You have to find them.

372
00:17:41,524.283056915272 --> 00:17:43,612.283056915272
And I think that's really the challenging
part.

373
00:17:43,612.283056915272 --> 00:17:46,432.283056915272
And when we tell ourselves they're not
there, then our brains are automatically

374
00:17:46,432.283056915272 --> 00:17:50,12.283056915272027
switching into, no, they're not, because
your brain will believe anything that you

375
00:17:50,12.283056915272027 --> 00:17:50,712.283056915272
tell it.

376
00:17:50,712.283056915272 --> 00:17:54,592.283056915272
So every time we say, nope, there's nobody
out there that's like me, I don't have any

377
00:17:54,592.283056915272 --> 00:17:56,772.283056915272
friends, it's hard to do, it gets harder.

378
00:17:56,772.283056915272 --> 00:18:00,52.28305691527203
We see less people and we're less likely
to go do it because we've convinced

379
00:18:00,52.28305691527203 --> 00:18:03,392.283056915272
ourselves that that's the truth and it's
not.

380
00:18:03,392.283056915272 --> 00:18:06,212.28305691527203
Yeah, I so I want to touch on that.

381
00:18:06,212.28305691527203 --> 00:18:08,782.283056915272
So the gym that I go to, like that is my
community.

382
00:18:08,782.283056915272 --> 00:18:13,432.283056915272
And that's where the area that I moved to,
that's where I made all of my friends.

383
00:18:14,372.283056915272 --> 00:18:17,912.283056915272
And in there on a pretty regular basis,
people will be like, hey, how's it going?

384
00:18:17,912.283056915272 --> 00:18:20,312.283056915272
I'll be like fucking amazing.

385
00:18:20,732.283056915272 --> 00:18:27,172.28305691527203
And every single time they're like, huh,
wait, how did you get there?

386
00:18:27,172.28305691527203 --> 00:18:31,172.28305691527203
And then and then we just start talking
like.

387
00:18:31,552.283056915272 --> 00:18:35,432.283056915272
And it's so interesting because I'll put a
little blurb about me out there of like,

388
00:18:35,432.283056915272 --> 00:18:37,452.283056915272
this is how I got amazing.

389
00:18:37,452.283056915272 --> 00:18:38,882.283056915272
And then it turns around to them.

390
00:18:38,882.283056915272 --> 00:18:42,532.283056915272
And then I just ask questions, ask
questions, ask questions, ask questions.

391
00:18:43,732.283056915272 --> 00:18:49,712.283056915272
So I am curious, at what point when you
are trying to make these friends, like

392
00:18:49,712.283056915272 --> 00:18:53,452.283056915272
you're trying to have these conversations
and you're saying cool shoes, like we all

393
00:18:53,452.283056915272 --> 00:18:56,492.283056915272
want to talk about ourselves, right?

394
00:18:56,812.283056915272 --> 00:18:59,358.283056915272
But if you talk about yourself,

395
00:18:59,520.283056915272 --> 00:19:03,110.28305691527203
You are not like the other person won't
exactly like you as much.

396
00:19:03,110.28305691527203 --> 00:19:07,340.283056915272
If you let them talk about themselves,
they'll like you because you let them talk

397
00:19:07,340.283056915272 --> 00:19:08,660.283056915272
about themselves.

398
00:19:08,660.283056915272 --> 00:19:10,830.283056915272
Like there's such a science to that.

399
00:19:10,830.283056915272 --> 00:19:12,632.283056915272
Can you talk about that a little bit?

400
00:19:12,700.283056915272 --> 00:19:16,250.28305691527203
Yeah, I think you, I mean, really
everybody wants to talk about themselves.

401
00:19:16,250.28305691527203 --> 00:19:18,380.283056915272
That's why we always have a story.

402
00:19:18,940.283056915272 --> 00:19:19,220.28305691527203
Right.

403
00:19:19,220.28305691527203 --> 00:19:23,900.283056915272
I mean, and that's why when someone is
talking, at least for somebody like me,

404
00:19:23,900.283056915272 --> 00:19:29,200.28305691527203
that's like not interrupting, sometimes
it's really hard to like, but I have this

405
00:19:29,200.28305691527203 --> 00:19:30,460.283056915272
story about myself too.

406
00:19:30,460.283056915272 --> 00:19:38,480.283056915272
So yeah, it's kind of that it is an art,
but being able to listen to respond as

407
00:19:38,480.283056915272 --> 00:19:41,500.283056915272
opposed to listen to let me tell you this
other cool thing about me.

408
00:19:41,500.283056915272 --> 00:19:45,80.28305691527203
so that the other person's not just
standing there going, yeah, yeah, yeah.

409
00:19:45,80.28305691527203 --> 00:19:48,540.283056915272
And kind of asking those leading questions
too.

410
00:19:48,540.283056915272 --> 00:19:53,700.283056915272
I mean, if we know what we're trying to
know and not to be manipulative or like a

411
00:19:53,700.283056915272 --> 00:19:57,320.283056915272
weirdo about it, be like, hey, I'm just
trying to find somebody that likes the

412
00:19:57,320.283056915272 --> 00:19:57,849.283056915272
same thing in me.

413
00:19:57,849.283056915272 --> 00:19:59,620.283056915272
Let's talk about this thing.

414
00:19:59,620.283056915272 --> 00:20:04,600.283056915272
And asking them a question like, hey, I
really like this guy because you said,

415
00:20:04,600.283056915272 --> 00:20:06,716.283056915272
Jim, I really like this.

416
00:20:06,716.283056915272 --> 00:20:10,396.283056915272
whatever it is that you like to do there
because it does this, but what do you like

417
00:20:10,396.283056915272 --> 00:20:10,746.283056915272
to do?

418
00:20:10,746.283056915272 --> 00:20:12,76.28305691527203
Why do you like that?

419
00:20:12,76.28305691527203 --> 00:20:13,516.283056915272
And then they have to ask you.

420
00:20:13,516.283056915272 --> 00:20:18,696.283056915272
And then it creates more of a conversation
as opposed to information exchange.

421
00:20:18,876.283056915272 --> 00:20:22,16.283056915272027
We are exchanging information, but we
don't want it to just be a business card

422
00:20:22,16.283056915272027 --> 00:20:24,766.283056915272
transaction where we're like, here, this
is about me.

423
00:20:24,766.283056915272 --> 00:20:26,816.283056915272
Here's a small blurb about me.

424
00:20:26,816.283056915272 --> 00:20:28,576.283056915272
Now, tell me everything about you.

425
00:20:28,576.283056915272 --> 00:20:32,736.283056915272
We can ask them leading questions that can
make them wonder more things.

426
00:20:32,736.283056915272 --> 00:20:33,596.283056915272
Like when you.

427
00:20:33,596.283056915272 --> 00:20:36,356.283056915272
When they ask you and you say fucking
amazing and they're like, nobody ever

428
00:20:36,356.283056915272 --> 00:20:38,236.28305691527203
answers that way, what is up with this
guy?

429
00:20:38,236.28305691527203 --> 00:20:40,76.28305691527203
Like what really happened that was that
great?

430
00:20:40,76.28305691527203 --> 00:20:41,136.28305691527203
I thought everything sucked.

431
00:20:41,136.28305691527203 --> 00:20:45,436.283056915272
If that's really what they're thinking,
then you can like, they right away asked

432
00:20:45,436.283056915272 --> 00:20:46,946.283056915272
you a question, right?

433
00:20:46,946.283056915272 --> 00:20:47,936.283056915272
Like what?

434
00:20:47,936.283056915272 --> 00:20:49,396.283056915272
Nobody feels that way.

435
00:20:49,396.283056915272 --> 00:20:51,66.28305691527203
Especially if you answer that way.

436
00:20:51,66.28305691527203 --> 00:20:54,16.283056915272027
Like if you said everything sucks, they'd
be like, yeah, me too.

437
00:20:54,396.283056915272 --> 00:20:56,823.283056915272
But when you said amazing, they're like,
what?

438
00:20:56,823.283056915272 --> 00:20:58,913.283056915272
Like maybe there's commonality there.

439
00:20:58,913.283056915272 --> 00:21:00,243.28305691527203
Like, yeah, it sucks for me, too.

440
00:21:00,243.28305691527203 --> 00:21:02,899.283056915272
Can you connect on that level without
making it weird?

441
00:21:03,420.283056915272 --> 00:21:04,620.283056915272
Yeah, I think so.

442
00:21:04,620.283056915272 --> 00:21:07,420.283056915272
I mean, I don't know if we want to
commiserate all the time, but I do think

443
00:21:07,420.283056915272 --> 00:21:12,240.28305691527203
that like being able just to have that
contrast of saying, yeah, it's terrible.

444
00:21:12,240.28305691527203 --> 00:21:13,860.283056915272
Like my dog got run over.

445
00:21:13,860.283056915272 --> 00:21:17,630.283056915272
Whatever something terrible happened to
you, you know, like tell them to be like,

446
00:21:17,630.283056915272 --> 00:21:18,110.28305691527203
you know what?

447
00:21:18,110.28305691527203 --> 00:21:20,40.28305691527203
But yesterday was really good.

448
00:21:20,40.28305691527203 --> 00:21:23,90.28305691527203
Or I mean, maybe I just think it's bad
because my good days are like this.

449
00:21:23,90.28305691527203 --> 00:21:24,960.283056915272
Like this is what a good day looks like
for me.

450
00:21:24,960.283056915272 --> 00:21:26,310.283056915272
And I don't know.

451
00:21:26,310.283056915272 --> 00:21:27,760.283056915272
I have like just today.

452
00:21:27,760.283056915272 --> 00:21:28,440.283056915272
Today's terrible.

453
00:21:28,440.283056915272 --> 00:21:29,560.283056915272
I just feel awful today.

454
00:21:29,560.283056915272 --> 00:21:31,860.283056915272
And being able to have that and.

455
00:21:32,572.283056915272 --> 00:21:38,872.283056915272
not having to have that canned response,
but also not being afraid to say it.

456
00:21:38,872.283056915272 --> 00:21:39,2.2830569152720273
Right?

457
00:21:39,2.2830569152720273 --> 00:21:42,652.283056915272
Like some people are, I mean, I think
you're right, especially for people who

458
00:21:42,652.283056915272 --> 00:21:46,182.28305691527203
are introverted or people who are worried
about how someone's going to respond.

459
00:21:46,182.28305691527203 --> 00:21:49,492.283056915272
The more we worry about how they're going
to respond, the less likely we are to say

460
00:21:49,492.283056915272 --> 00:21:52,992.283056915272
anything because we're planning a
conversation that hasn't had, hasn't been

461
00:21:52,992.283056915272 --> 00:21:53,432.283056915272
had yet.

462
00:21:53,432.283056915272 --> 00:21:54,962.283056915272
Like, what do I say next?

463
00:21:54,962.283056915272 --> 00:21:56,702.283056915272
But if they say that, what would I say
next?

464
00:21:56,702.283056915272 --> 00:21:58,102.28305691527203
Well, we don't even know what they're
going to say.

465
00:21:58,102.28305691527203 --> 00:21:59,859.283056915272
We're just making it all up.

466
00:22:01,659.283056915272 --> 00:22:07,179.28305691527203
So one of the things you also talked about
on your podcast is basically self

467
00:22:07,179.28305691527203 --> 00:22:11,179.28305691527203
-awareness, knowing your values and how
that can be sort of the roadmap to finding

468
00:22:11,179.28305691527203 --> 00:22:12,139.28305691527203
these people.

469
00:22:12,139.28305691527203 --> 00:22:15,259.283056915272
But for a lot of people, where's my
mirror?

470
00:22:15,259.283056915272 --> 00:22:16,759.283056915272
They're still figuring that out, right?

471
00:22:16,759.283056915272 --> 00:22:18,799.283056915272
Like what are their values?

472
00:22:18,799.283056915272 --> 00:22:25,199.28305691527203
Like I've talked about this with people,
the few friends I have now, and it's just

473
00:22:25,199.28305691527203 --> 00:22:27,199.28305691527203
this idea of, well, what are you
interested in?

474
00:22:27,199.28305691527203 --> 00:22:29,119.28305691527203
And my mind just goes blank.

475
00:22:29,119.28305691527203 --> 00:22:30,124.28305691527203
I'm just like.

476
00:22:30,779.283056915272 --> 00:22:34,479.283056915272
I kind of do the same like I'm a parent
right I'm busy I've got stuff that I have

477
00:22:34,479.283056915272 --> 00:22:38,199.28305691527203
to do all the time I don't even know what
I want to do anymore because that's a

478
00:22:38,199.28305691527203 --> 00:22:43,359.283056915272
luxury I can't afford so how do you figure
that out how do you start to map that out

479
00:22:43,359.283056915272 --> 00:22:45,468.283056915272
so you can find the people in the right
place?

480
00:22:45,468.283056915272 --> 00:22:52,128.28305691527203
Yeah, I think that part of it for me, I
don't know if your values and what you

481
00:22:52,128.28305691527203 --> 00:22:54,508.283056915272
spend your time doing are always the same
thing, right?

482
00:22:54,508.283056915272 --> 00:22:59,168.28305691527203
Like when we have kids and it's our
responsibility to keep them fed alive and

483
00:22:59,168.28305691527203 --> 00:23:09,148.28305691527203
hopefully not screaming, then our values
are maybe quiet and family and providing

484
00:23:09,148.28305691527203 --> 00:23:09,618.283056915272
those things.

485
00:23:09,618.283056915272 --> 00:23:10,140.28305691527203
But when we.

486
00:23:10,140.28305691527203 --> 00:23:13,390.283056915272
think about what we actually like to do
and we think that's a luxury.

487
00:23:13,390.283056915272 --> 00:23:15,480.283056915272
I don't really have time to go do the
things.

488
00:23:15,480.283056915272 --> 00:23:16,620.283056915272
Like, what do I like to do?

489
00:23:16,620.283056915272 --> 00:23:21,140.28305691527203
I like to go to the beach by myself and
like hang out for a while and look at the

490
00:23:21,140.28305691527203 --> 00:23:22,730.283056915272
water and just not have anybody to talk to
me.

491
00:23:22,730.283056915272 --> 00:23:24,180.28305691527203
Is that my value?

492
00:23:24,180.28305691527203 --> 00:23:29,380.283056915272
I don't know if those are values, but I
guess what I value is having time to think

493
00:23:29,380.283056915272 --> 00:23:31,80.28305691527203
or deep thinking.

494
00:23:31,80.28305691527203 --> 00:23:33,800.283056915272
I value, you know, being in nature.

495
00:23:33,800.283056915272 --> 00:23:38,556.283056915272
I value connecting, you know, with friends
like.

496
00:23:38,556.283056915272 --> 00:23:40,616.283056915272
I don't need to connect with all my
friends at once.

497
00:23:40,616.283056915272 --> 00:23:41,986.283056915272
I need to connect with one friend.

498
00:23:41,986.283056915272 --> 00:23:44,556.283056915272
I would be perfectly happy with one
person.

499
00:23:44,556.283056915272 --> 00:23:46,296.283056915272
I value deep conversations.

500
00:23:46,296.283056915272 --> 00:23:49,396.283056915272
So it's not necessarily what we're doing,
I think, that are our values.

501
00:23:49,396.283056915272 --> 00:23:51,56.28305691527203
It's why we do those things.

502
00:23:51,56.28305691527203 --> 00:23:54,356.283056915272
And I think a lot of times, another way, I
mean, if we want to go back to our

503
00:23:54,356.283056915272 --> 00:23:58,256.283056915272
interests, I'm always like, what did you
do when you were a kid?

504
00:23:58,436.283056915272 --> 00:24:02,52.28305691527203
Because a lot of times, if we can circle
back to,

505
00:24:02,108.28305691527203 --> 00:24:05,678.283056915272
I coached a woman on this a while ago, and
she was so stressed out.

506
00:24:05,678.283056915272 --> 00:24:07,338.283056915272
She's like, I think I'm going to go for a
promotion.

507
00:24:07,338.283056915272 --> 00:24:09,88.28305691527203
And the next week, she's like, I think I'm
going to quit my job.

508
00:24:09,88.28305691527203 --> 00:24:10,668.283056915272
And I'm like, whoa, hey, what?

509
00:24:10,668.283056915272 --> 00:24:12,528.283056915272
We were just talking about a promotion
last week.

510
00:24:12,528.283056915272 --> 00:24:13,728.283056915272
Now you're going to quit.

511
00:24:13,728.283056915272 --> 00:24:14,828.283056915272
And I was like, what's up?

512
00:24:14,828.283056915272 --> 00:24:17,48.28305691527203
And she's like, I don't know.

513
00:24:17,48.28305691527203 --> 00:24:17,998.283056915272
I don't know myself.

514
00:24:17,998.283056915272 --> 00:24:19,848.283056915272
And I was like, well, what did you like to
do when you were a kid?

515
00:24:19,848.283056915272 --> 00:24:22,398.283056915272
She's like, I liked safari animals and
soccer.

516
00:24:22,398.283056915272 --> 00:24:23,968.283056915272
And I'm like, then that's what we're going
to do.

517
00:24:23,968.283056915272 --> 00:24:30,408.283056915272
And we built an entire way for her to get
a promotion based on soccer and safaris,

518
00:24:30,408.283056915272 --> 00:24:31,379.283056915272
which was

519
00:24:31,420.283056915272 --> 00:24:32,360.283056915272
crazy.

520
00:24:32,360.283056915272 --> 00:24:35,600.283056915272
But I think if we do look back at like,
what you like to do when you were a kid?

521
00:24:35,600.283056915272 --> 00:24:36,930.283056915272
Why did you like that?

522
00:24:36,930.283056915272 --> 00:24:38,0.28305691527202725
That's pretty telling.

523
00:24:38,0.28305691527202725 --> 00:24:42,480.283056915272
And a lot of times we end up in some sort
of that path.

524
00:24:42,480.283056915272 --> 00:24:45,150.28305691527203
I think most of us know where we're going
automatically.

525
00:24:45,150.28305691527203 --> 00:24:49,220.28305691527203
It's like, we try to forget, we try to
change that path, but we end up somewhere

526
00:24:49,220.28305691527203 --> 00:24:49,920.283056915272
on that path.

527
00:24:49,920.283056915272 --> 00:24:53,980.283056915272
So I think it's kind of a curious thing to
think about, like, why did I do that?

528
00:24:53,980.283056915272 --> 00:24:54,811.283056915272
Why did I love that?

529
00:24:54,811.283056915272 --> 00:24:59,431.283056915272
This might be my limiting beliefs talking,
but I think it was my time spent watching

530
00:24:59,431.283056915272 --> 00:25:01,981.283056915272
professional wrestling and playing video
games that got me into this mess.

531
00:25:01,981.283056915272 --> 00:25:03,492.283056915272
If I'm being honest.

532
00:25:03,492.283056915272 --> 00:25:05,52.28305691527203
but for real!

533
00:25:05,712.283056915272 --> 00:25:07,892.283056915272
But what did you like about that?

534
00:25:07,892.283056915272 --> 00:25:08,840.283056915272
Why?

535
00:25:08,840.283056915272 --> 00:25:09,760.283056915272
how do I do that?

536
00:25:09,760.283056915272 --> 00:25:13,90.28305691527203
Where I like, hey kids, let's watch two
grown men pretend to beat the crap out of

537
00:25:13,90.28305691527203 --> 00:25:14,602.283056915272
each other for an hour.

538
00:25:14,812.283056915272 --> 00:25:16,72.28305691527203
Yeah, but what if you did?

539
00:25:16,72.28305691527203 --> 00:25:17,402.283056915272
I mean, why did you like it?

540
00:25:17,402.283056915272 --> 00:25:18,801.283056915272
I mean, I think that's really the
question.

541
00:25:18,801.283056915272 --> 00:25:21,632.283056915272
Not that you liked it, but there was
something about it.

542
00:25:21,632.283056915272 --> 00:25:25,812.283056915272
Either it was who you were with or how you
felt or what was interesting about it.

543
00:25:25,812.283056915272 --> 00:25:28,322.283056915272
I think if you stop and like, be like, why
did I like that?

544
00:25:28,322.283056915272 --> 00:25:32,612.283056915272
And maybe it was just a way to disconnect
and to be able to be like, yeah, I was

545
00:25:32,612.283056915272 --> 00:25:33,472.283056915272
totally escaping.

546
00:25:33,472.283056915272 --> 00:25:34,582.283056915272
Like it was it was fun.

547
00:25:34,582.283056915272 --> 00:25:35,892.283056915272
I love that video games.

548
00:25:35,892.283056915272 --> 00:25:36,972.283056915272
I don't know.

549
00:25:36,972.283056915272 --> 00:25:41,912.283056915272
I am still amazed that people become like
YouTube stars.

550
00:25:41,912.283056915272 --> 00:25:44,316.283056915272
Like I know I need to get over it and be
like,

551
00:25:44,316.283056915272 --> 00:25:47,396.283056915272
One time my kid told me that and I'm like,
no, that's not a real thing.

552
00:25:47,396.283056915272 --> 00:25:49,851.283056915272
And now I'm like, dang, I should have told
him to go for that.

553
00:25:49,851.283056915272 --> 00:25:52,531.283056915272
one of the most popular answers for kids
of what they want to be when they grow up

554
00:25:52,531.283056915272 --> 00:25:54,31.283056915272027
as a YouTube star.

555
00:25:54,911.283056915272 --> 00:25:55,656.283056915272
Right.

556
00:25:55,656.283056915272 --> 00:25:57,946.283056915272
I don't know if eSports are sports, but
they are.

557
00:25:57,946.283056915272 --> 00:25:59,6.283056915272027
I mean, they are.

558
00:25:59,6.283056915272027 --> 00:26:00,216.28305691527203
It's a whole thing.

559
00:26:00,216.28305691527203 --> 00:26:02,376.283056915272
So, you know, maybe it is, maybe it is
your value.

560
00:26:02,376.283056915272 --> 00:26:05,886.283056915272
Maybe there is where we like where that
was leading you all along.

561
00:26:05,886.283056915272 --> 00:26:08,16.283056915272027
I think that that's always an interesting
question to look at.

562
00:26:08,16.283056915272027 --> 00:26:09,587.283056915272
Why did you like what you liked?

563
00:26:09,600.283056915272 --> 00:26:10,20.283056915272027
Yeah.

564
00:26:10,20.283056915272027 --> 00:26:13,659.283056915272
Well, my question for you is I liked Star
Wars and Sleeping, so how can I get a

565
00:26:13,659.283056915272 --> 00:26:15,80.28305691527203
promotion out of that?

566
00:26:15,80.28305691527203 --> 00:26:15,964.283056915272
Right?

567
00:26:15,964.283056915272 --> 00:26:19,24.283056915272027
Surely I'm positive there's a way maybe
you could like go sleep at the space

568
00:26:19,24.283056915272027 --> 00:26:20,784.283056915272
station volunteer for NASA.

569
00:26:20,844.283056915272 --> 00:26:22,964.283056915272
I mean there could be a thing there.

570
00:26:22,964.283056915272 --> 00:26:26,924.283056915272
I bet they need somebody to know how that
works for somebody that's not trained.

571
00:26:26,924.283056915272 --> 00:26:28,764.283056915272
I don't know.

572
00:26:29,924.283056915272 --> 00:26:31,964.283056915272
I don't know.

573
00:26:32,459.283056915272 --> 00:26:35,999.283056915272
in in preparation for all this one of the
things you talked about and this sort of

574
00:26:35,999.283056915272 --> 00:26:40,339.283056915272
ties in his purpose and Literally last
night while I was listening to your

575
00:26:40,339.283056915272 --> 00:26:45,39.28305691527203
podcast and then kind of thinking about
all this I was reminded of a clip I'm sure

576
00:26:45,39.28305691527203 --> 00:26:47,739.283056915272
you guys have both seen it and I'm sure
people watching it have seen this but it's

577
00:26:47,739.283056915272 --> 00:26:50,979.283056915272
Simon Sinek was talking about how to find
your why Well, they had to find your

578
00:26:50,979.283056915272 --> 00:26:54,259.283056915272
purpose and so I just want to share this
because it hit me like a ton of bricks

579
00:26:54,259.283056915272 --> 00:26:55,634.283056915272
when I watch this again

580
00:29:24,409.6392540386878 --> 00:29:26,459.6392540386878
I just thought that was incredibly
powerful.

581
00:29:26,459.6392540386878 --> 00:29:30,489.6392540386878
And as it was happening, I was imagining
that having that con I didn't have to have

582
00:29:30,489.6392540386878 --> 00:29:31,39.639254038687795
the conversation.

583
00:29:31,39.639254038687795 --> 00:29:33,249.6392540386878
I imagined having that conversation with
my friends.

584
00:29:33,249.6392540386878 --> 00:29:39,849.6392540386878
And I landed on very much what we do here,
trying to help people not suffer.

585
00:29:39,969.6392540386878 --> 00:29:47,369.6392540386878
And if I can build relationships around
helping people not suffer, how I mean, how

586
00:29:47,369.6392540386878 --> 00:29:50,797.6392540386878
much more rewarding of a life does that
provide?

587
00:29:51,34.639254038687795 --> 00:29:52,194.6392540386878
Yeah.

588
00:29:52,534.6392540386878 --> 00:29:53,165.6392540386878
Yeah.

589
00:29:53,165.6392540386878 --> 00:29:57,185.6392540386878
think that exercise can be so powerful if
you can go through it.

590
00:29:57,185.6392540386878 --> 00:30:01,105.6392540386878
Like for me, I didn't have to, but the
idea of asking people, what is it about

591
00:30:01,105.6392540386878 --> 00:30:01,235.6392540386878
me?

592
00:30:01,235.6392540386878 --> 00:30:05,565.6392540386878
That's how you get to know yourself is ask
them to hold up the mirror and tell you,

593
00:30:05,565.6392540386878 --> 00:30:08,645.6392540386878
this is what I see in you, because it'll
be reflected back in how they feel about

594
00:30:08,645.6392540386878 --> 00:30:09,392.6392540386878
you.

595
00:30:10,138.6392540386878 --> 00:30:11,358.6392540386878
Yeah.

596
00:30:11,598.6392540386878 --> 00:30:13,218.6392540386878
And it's funny, I was doing the same
thing.

597
00:30:13,218.6392540386878 --> 00:30:15,778.6392540386878
I was picturing one of my best friends for
my entire life.

598
00:30:15,778.6392540386878 --> 00:30:16,708.6392540386878
Like, what do I love her?

599
00:30:16,708.6392540386878 --> 00:30:18,478.6392540386878
Like, what do I love about her?

600
00:30:18,478.6392540386878 --> 00:30:22,838.6392540386878
And sometimes I feel like it fills that
gap in yourself too sometimes, right?

601
00:30:22,838.6392540386878 --> 00:30:25,838.6392540386878
Like, wow, I love this because that's what
she brings out of me, that part of me that

602
00:30:25,838.6392540386878 --> 00:30:27,618.6392540386878
I wish I had more of.

603
00:30:27,618.6392540386878 --> 00:30:31,518.6392540386878
That when I'm with her, I'm like, yeah,
let's do that.

604
00:30:31,518.6392540386878 --> 00:30:34,158.6392540386878
Whereas if it were me by myself, I'd be
like, absolutely not.

605
00:30:34,158.6392540386878 --> 00:30:35,258.6392540386878
So it is.

606
00:30:35,258.6392540386878 --> 00:30:38,161.6392540386878
It's such a cool thing to think about.

607
00:30:38,366.6392540386878 --> 00:30:41,856.6392540386878
I know, I was thinking about Jeremy and I
was like, well that's a great question.

608
00:30:41,856.6392540386878 --> 00:30:43,550.6392540386878
I don't know about that guy.

609
00:30:46,361.6392540386878 --> 00:30:48,11.639254038687795
All right, so Megan, where do we start?

610
00:30:48,11.639254038687795 --> 00:30:48,941.6392540386878
We want to make friends.

611
00:30:48,941.6392540386878 --> 00:30:53,454.6392540386878
What's what's step one to at least get us
on the path to making friends as adults?

612
00:30:54,42.639254038687795 --> 00:30:55,562.6392540386878
Go where you like to go.

613
00:30:55,562.6392540386878 --> 00:31:00,172.6392540386878
I think the first start is really like
step one, leave your house, right?

614
00:31:00,172.6392540386878 --> 00:31:02,342.6392540386878
Like, I mean, we can social media all day
long.

615
00:31:02,342.6392540386878 --> 00:31:03,602.6392540386878
You can do it at two o 'clock in the
morning.

616
00:31:03,602.6392540386878 --> 00:31:04,672.6392540386878
And those people are great.

617
00:31:04,672.6392540386878 --> 00:31:08,12.639254038687795
I have some great friends who I've met on
social media.

618
00:31:08,12.639254038687795 --> 00:31:11,242.6392540386878
But if we really want to make friends, I
don't think we're looking for somebody to

619
00:31:11,242.6392540386878 --> 00:31:15,402.6392540386878
talk to on Twitter or X or whatever at two
o 'clock in the morning.

620
00:31:15,402.6392540386878 --> 00:31:17,982.6392540386878
I think we're looking for somebody that
you can go have a beer with, right?

621
00:31:17,982.6392540386878 --> 00:31:20,332.6392540386878
Like I want to call someone that I'd be
like, do you want wine?

622
00:31:20,332.6392540386878 --> 00:31:22,762.6392540386878
I know it's Tuesday, but can we just do
that?

623
00:31:22,762.6392540386878 --> 00:31:23,264.6392540386878
But.

624
00:31:23,264.6392540386878 --> 00:31:25,310.6392540386878
a but what are you doing right now?

625
00:31:25,310.6392540386878 --> 00:31:26,180.6392540386878
mimosas, right?

626
00:31:26,180.6392540386878 --> 00:31:28,650.6392540386878
We could go for the like, now, can we go?

627
00:31:28,650.6392540386878 --> 00:31:32,290.6392540386878
Those are the people, but you have to go
out and you have to be willing to put

628
00:31:32,290.6392540386878 --> 00:31:33,30.639254038687795
yourself out there.

629
00:31:33,30.639254038687795 --> 00:31:37,130.6392540386878
And sometimes that's really uncomfortable,
whether it's because you haven't done it

630
00:31:37,130.6392540386878 --> 00:31:41,930.6392540386878
in a long time because you've been working
remotely or you've been isolated or you're

631
00:31:41,930.6392540386878 --> 00:31:48,50.639254038687795
in this place where you're questioning
what do I offer people?

632
00:31:48,130.6392540386878 --> 00:31:52,794.6392540386878
But I think that it has to be like that
moment of like, no, I'm

633
00:31:52,794.6392540386878 --> 00:31:54,474.6392540386878
I'm going to go out.

634
00:31:54,474.6392540386878 --> 00:31:59,174.6392540386878
And when you start to go out and you start
to notice that, like, wait a minute, I've

635
00:31:59,174.6392540386878 --> 00:32:01,714.6392540386878
been here before and I think I saw that
person the last time I was here.

636
00:32:01,714.6392540386878 --> 00:32:03,494.6392540386878
There's a reason you guys are both there.

637
00:32:03,494.6392540386878 --> 00:32:05,534.6392540386878
It's because you're both interested in the
same thing.

638
00:32:05,534.6392540386878 --> 00:32:10,14.639254038687795
So maybe it's the gym and maybe it's like,
well, we're both here at the same thing.

639
00:32:10,14.639254038687795 --> 00:32:10,684.6392540386878
Like, they're at the gym.

640
00:32:10,684.6392540386878 --> 00:32:11,324.6392540386878
I'm at the gym.

641
00:32:11,324.6392540386878 --> 00:32:12,764.6392540386878
Obviously, this is a connection.

642
00:32:12,764.6392540386878 --> 00:32:16,194.6392540386878
And maybe it doesn't go any further than
that, but you aren't going to know unless

643
00:32:16,194.6392540386878 --> 00:32:17,214.6392540386878
you put yourself out there.

644
00:32:17,214.6392540386878 --> 00:32:19,574.6392540386878
And it was so easy when we were little.

645
00:32:19,574.6392540386878 --> 00:32:22,98.6392540386878
And I think my best example was like,

646
00:32:22,554.6392540386878 --> 00:32:24,974.6392540386878
with the new kid that comes to school.

647
00:32:24,974.6392540386878 --> 00:32:27,564.6392540386878
And it's like vultures on this kid.

648
00:32:27,564.6392540386878 --> 00:32:31,414.6392540386878
This poor kid comes in, like everybody's
been in this situation where either you

649
00:32:31,414.6392540386878 --> 00:32:34,294.6392540386878
were the new kid or you go and there's
like, my God, there's a new kid in class

650
00:32:34,294.6392540386878 --> 00:32:34,604.6392540386878
today.

651
00:32:34,604.6392540386878 --> 00:32:35,794.6392540386878
That one's mine.

652
00:32:35,794.6392540386878 --> 00:32:38,954.6392540386878
And we're all like, no, no, no, I'm going
to be that kid's friend.

653
00:32:38,954.6392540386878 --> 00:32:42,154.6392540386878
We ran over there like, my gosh, this is
me.

654
00:32:42,154.6392540386878 --> 00:32:43,4.639254038687795
I love this.

655
00:32:43,4.639254038687795 --> 00:32:43,604.6392540386878
You love this.

656
00:32:43,604.6392540386878 --> 00:32:44,94.6392540386878
We love this.

657
00:32:44,94.6392540386878 --> 00:32:44,884.6392540386878
We should hang out.

658
00:32:44,884.6392540386878 --> 00:32:45,414.6392540386878
Star Wars.

659
00:32:45,414.6392540386878 --> 00:32:45,694.6392540386878
Yes.

660
00:32:45,694.6392540386878 --> 00:32:46,214.6392540386878
Wrestling.

661
00:32:46,214.6392540386878 --> 00:32:46,674.6392540386878
Yes.

662
00:32:46,674.6392540386878 --> 00:32:47,804.6392540386878
Let's do all the things.

663
00:32:47,804.6392540386878 --> 00:32:49,634.6392540386878
Do you want to spend the night at my house
this weekend?

664
00:32:49,634.6392540386878 --> 00:32:51,418.6392540386878
We weren't shy.

665
00:32:51,418.6392540386878 --> 00:32:54,818.6392540386878
But somewhere as adults, we've gotten to
this, like, I mean, I'm awkward, and I'm

666
00:32:54,818.6392540386878 --> 00:32:57,898.6392540386878
introverted, and they're going to think
I'm weird.

667
00:32:57,898.6392540386878 --> 00:33:01,658.6392540386878
And those are just stories that we're
telling ourselves because we're afraid

668
00:33:01,658.6392540386878 --> 00:33:02,908.6392540386878
that that's what we are.

669
00:33:02,908.6392540386878 --> 00:33:05,98.6392540386878
But they may not see us that way at all.

670
00:33:05,98.6392540386878 --> 00:33:09,838.6392540386878
We made new friends so easily when we were
little because we were like, whatever,

671
00:33:09,838.6392540386878 --> 00:33:10,618.6392540386878
here I am.

672
00:33:10,618.6392540386878 --> 00:33:13,958.6392540386878
And that really comes with being like,
yeah, sometimes I'm weird.

673
00:33:14,18.639254038687795 --> 00:33:18,718.6392540386878
Sometimes I'm a weirdo, and sometimes I
don't feel like talking, and sometimes

674
00:33:18,718.6392540386878 --> 00:33:20,673.6392540386878
I'll talk to you forever about.

675
00:33:21,434.6392540386878 --> 00:33:25,44.639254038687795
random things, but when we're OK with
ourselves and we're willing to say, yeah,

676
00:33:25,44.639254038687795 --> 00:33:27,634.6392540386878
I'm just going to go out there and I'm
going to do it.

677
00:33:27,634.6392540386878 --> 00:33:29,914.6392540386878
But it does take that moment of bravery,
right?

678
00:33:29,914.6392540386878 --> 00:33:34,874.6392540386878
Especially as adults, which is weird,
because it's like we've unlearned things

679
00:33:34,874.6392540386878 --> 00:33:37,934.6392540386878
that we needed to know when we naturally
did them when we were little.

680
00:33:37,934.6392540386878 --> 00:33:40,274.6392540386878
It was just natural.

681
00:33:40,274.6392540386878 --> 00:33:43,874.6392540386878
And we just have to get back to that place
where you're like, I'm going to make a

682
00:33:43,874.6392540386878 --> 00:33:44,224.6392540386878
friend.

683
00:33:44,224.6392540386878 --> 00:33:46,94.6392540386878
We just knew we were.

684
00:33:46,474.6392540386878 --> 00:33:48,64.6392540386878
And I think that's part of it.

685
00:33:48,64.6392540386878 --> 00:33:50,705.6392540386878
We just have gotten to this very like,

686
00:33:51,130.6392540386878 --> 00:33:53,410.6392540386878
I can't kind of place, which none of it's
true.

687
00:33:53,410.6392540386878 --> 00:33:54,680.6392540386878
It's just what we're saying to ourselves.

688
00:33:54,680.6392540386878 --> 00:33:56,70.6392540386878
And like I said, that's uncomfortable.

689
00:33:56,70.6392540386878 --> 00:33:59,100.6392540386878
And as we've learned over the years of
doing this, the more we lean into the

690
00:33:59,100.6392540386878 --> 00:34:01,146.6392540386878
uncomfortable is where we find the most
growth.

691
00:34:01,146.6392540386878 --> 00:34:08,86.6392540386878
Yeah, I have a friend and he his quote is
always like, I make myself like I am.

692
00:34:08,86.6392540386878 --> 00:34:11,746.6392540386878
It wasn't a good day unless I was
completely uncomfortable most of the day.

693
00:34:11,746.6392540386878 --> 00:34:13,496.6392540386878
Like he's like, that is how I do it.

694
00:34:13,496.6392540386878 --> 00:34:14,426.6392540386878
And he's amazing.

695
00:34:14,426.6392540386878 --> 00:34:15,916.6392540386878
He's out there just every day.

696
00:34:15,916.6392540386878 --> 00:34:17,886.6392540386878
He's like, I want to be as uncomfortable
as possible.

697
00:34:17,886.6392540386878 --> 00:34:19,106.6392540386878
And I'm like, my God.

698
00:34:19,106.6392540386878 --> 00:34:20,686.6392540386878
But how are you not exhausted?

699
00:34:20,686.6392540386878 --> 00:34:22,606.6392540386878
But he does it like he lives his life that
way.

700
00:34:22,606.6392540386878 --> 00:34:23,586.6392540386878
He's out there all the time.

701
00:34:23,586.6392540386878 --> 00:34:26,643.6392540386878
Like, no, like all day long, be
uncomfortable.

702
00:34:26,643.6392540386878 --> 00:34:31,403.6392540386878
got a, I've got a quote on like every part
of my house that says the magic is in the

703
00:34:31,403.6392540386878 --> 00:34:32,233.6392540386878
work that you're avoiding.

704
00:34:32,233.6392540386878 --> 00:34:38,23.639254038687795
And it's like, like across the board work
-wise, you know, making friends, things

705
00:34:38,23.639254038687795 --> 00:34:39,83.6392540386878
like that.

706
00:34:39,83.6392540386878 --> 00:34:42,763.6392540386878
If it's hard, if it's something that you
want to avoid, that's usually where you

707
00:34:42,763.6392540386878 --> 00:34:44,303.6392540386878
need to lean in.

708
00:34:44,362.6392540386878 --> 00:34:44,762.6392540386878
yeah.

709
00:34:44,762.6392540386878 --> 00:34:45,692.6392540386878
And we don't want to.

710
00:34:45,692.6392540386878 --> 00:34:50,302.6392540386878
We really have gotten to this place where
everything's pretty cushy and we like it

711
00:34:50,302.6392540386878 --> 00:34:50,732.6392540386878
that way.

712
00:34:50,732.6392540386878 --> 00:34:53,322.6392540386878
Everything's just a little bit too easy.

713
00:34:53,802.6392540386878 --> 00:34:56,342.6392540386878
And maybe that's to our detriment.

714
00:34:56,342.6392540386878 --> 00:34:58,742.6392540386878
Maybe we've just gotten to a point where
we've made things too easy.

715
00:34:58,742.6392540386878 --> 00:35:02,162.6392540386878
I don't know, but I like it that way.

716
00:35:02,162.6392540386878 --> 00:35:04,82.6392540386878
I'm not complaining.

717
00:35:04,102.6392540386878 --> 00:35:07,742.6392540386878
But really, I mean, we have to get back to
that place where we're willing to put

718
00:35:07,742.6392540386878 --> 00:35:08,638.6392540386878
ourselves out there.

719
00:35:08,638.6392540386878 --> 00:35:12,178.6392540386878
All I can think of is the movie Wall -E
where all the people are just floating in

720
00:35:12,178.6392540386878 --> 00:35:14,358.6392540386878
the chairs drinking their big sip.

721
00:35:14,358.6392540386878 --> 00:35:18,358.6392540386878
Like, you know, life just got so easy and
they're like, and we don't do anything

722
00:35:18,358.6392540386878 --> 00:35:18,970.6392540386878
anymore.

723
00:35:18,970.6392540386878 --> 00:35:21,783.6392540386878
Yeah, yeah, we're kind of there.

724
00:35:21,783.6392540386878 --> 00:35:22,693.6392540386878
it was catastrophic.

725
00:35:22,693.6392540386878 --> 00:35:24,93.6392540386878
So that's where you have to test, right?

726
00:35:24,93.6392540386878 --> 00:35:27,773.6392540386878
Like you have to do hard things safely so
that when it happens and it's not safe,

727
00:35:27,773.6392540386878 --> 00:35:31,162.6392540386878
you're prepared and you're strong and
you're resilient and you can face it.

728
00:35:31,162.6392540386878 --> 00:35:31,942.6392540386878
Yeah.

729
00:35:31,942.6392540386878 --> 00:35:32,302.6392540386878
Yeah.

730
00:35:32,302.6392540386878 --> 00:35:33,422.6392540386878
And we are resilient people.

731
00:35:33,422.6392540386878 --> 00:35:36,662.6392540386878
And I think that's an important thing to
remember, too, that as much as we can joke

732
00:35:36,662.6392540386878 --> 00:35:41,702.6392540386878
about the pandemic killing everything for
everyone, we are resilient because we're

733
00:35:41,702.6392540386878 --> 00:35:42,422.6392540386878
still here.

734
00:35:42,422.6392540386878 --> 00:35:48,982.6392540386878
And we're getting to a place where I think
we are going to hit this level of post

735
00:35:48,982.6392540386878 --> 00:35:50,412.6392540386878
-pandemic normalcy.

736
00:35:50,412.6392540386878 --> 00:35:51,932.6392540386878
And everybody's like, it's never going to
be normal.

737
00:35:51,932.6392540386878 --> 00:35:52,642.6392540386878
I'm like, no, it is.

738
00:35:52,642.6392540386878 --> 00:35:54,282.6392540386878
It's just going to take time.

739
00:35:54,462.6392540386878 --> 00:35:56,982.6392540386878
But human beings, for the most part, are
resilient people.

740
00:35:56,982.6392540386878 --> 00:35:58,982.6392540386878
I mean, we are a resilient species.

741
00:35:58,982.6392540386878 --> 00:35:59,601.6392540386878
And.

742
00:35:59,866.6392540386878 --> 00:36:03,426.6392540386878
We just have to start feeding our brains
the things that we need to believe about

743
00:36:03,426.6392540386878 --> 00:36:05,16.639254038687795
ourselves instead of the things that we
fear.

744
00:36:05,16.639254038687795 --> 00:36:06,866.6392540386878
And right now, we're afraid we can't find
friends.

745
00:36:06,866.6392540386878 --> 00:36:07,966.6392540386878
We're afraid that we can't do this.

746
00:36:07,966.6392540386878 --> 00:36:09,426.6392540386878
I'm afraid to talk to people.

747
00:36:09,426.6392540386878 --> 00:36:13,286.6392540386878
But if we just would change our internal
dialogue, it would make such a huge

748
00:36:13,286.6392540386878 --> 00:36:13,716.6392540386878
difference.

749
00:36:13,716.6392540386878 --> 00:36:15,866.6392540386878
I mean, beyond friendship.

750
00:36:15,866.6392540386878 --> 00:36:17,592.6392540386878
Beyond friendship, it really would.

751
00:36:17,592.6392540386878 --> 00:36:17,982.6392540386878
Yeah.

752
00:36:17,982.6392540386878 --> 00:36:20,782.6392540386878
This is what you help people with in your,
in your coaching and in your podcast.

753
00:36:20,782.6392540386878 --> 00:36:23,406.6392540386878
Tell us more about you, your work and the
podcast.

754
00:36:23,406.6392540386878 --> 00:36:25,46.639254038687795
Yeah, I'm a life coach.

755
00:36:25,46.639254038687795 --> 00:36:29,766.6392540386878
And I help people who have really big
things that they want to do, but then they

756
00:36:29,766.6392540386878 --> 00:36:33,706.6392540386878
overthink and they get anxious and they
talk themselves out of it, like making

757
00:36:33,706.6392540386878 --> 00:36:36,966.6392540386878
friends or asking for raises or anything
else like that.

758
00:36:36,966.6392540386878 --> 00:36:40,486.6392540386878
So anybody that's got these like really
big ambitions, like I know I can do it,

759
00:36:40,486.6392540386878 --> 00:36:42,993.6392540386878
but my God, I don't know that I can do it.

760
00:36:43,322.6392540386878 --> 00:36:45,82.6392540386878
Those are the people I love to work with.

761
00:36:45,82.6392540386878 --> 00:36:46,562.6392540386878
And so, yeah, I have a podcast.

762
00:36:46,562.6392540386878 --> 00:36:47,802.6392540386878
It's called More Than Anxiety.

763
00:36:47,802.6392540386878 --> 00:36:52,582.6392540386878
And I talk about all the anxiety things
about how you feel, what you think, what's

764
00:36:52,582.6392540386878 --> 00:36:55,182.6392540386878
going on, lots of different topics.

765
00:36:55,462.6392540386878 --> 00:36:58,12.639254038687795
And so, yeah, they can find me at More
Than Anxiety.

766
00:36:58,12.639254038687795 --> 00:36:59,422.6392540386878
It's on all the podcast platforms.

767
00:36:59,422.6392540386878 --> 00:37:00,542.6392540386878
It's on YouTube.

768
00:37:00,542.6392540386878 --> 00:37:02,142.6392540386878
And my website is just my name.

769
00:37:02,142.6392540386878 --> 00:37:03,852.6392540386878
It's just megandevito .com.

770
00:37:03,852.6392540386878 --> 00:37:06,228.6392540386878
And you can connect with me there, too.

771
00:37:06,538.6392540382221 --> 00:37:11,278.63925403822213
Our thanks to Megan DeVito, the host of
the More Than Anxiety podcast, one in

772
00:37:11,278.63925403822213 --> 00:37:15,138.63925403822213
which I truly love because anxiety's kinda
my thing.

773
00:37:15,566.6392540382221 --> 00:37:19,227.63925403822213
You can find out more about her and what
she does in the show notes

774
00:37:19,227.63925403822213 --> 00:37:20,863.6392540382221
for this episode at thefitmass .com.

775
00:37:20,863.6392540382221 --> 00:37:26,203.63925403822213
And Jeremy, that was such a good interview
and I had a lot of reflection as I was

776
00:37:26,203.63925403822213 --> 00:37:27,173.63925403822213
talking with her.

777
00:37:27,173.63925403822213 --> 00:37:30,843.6392540382221
I know, you know, anyone who's listened to
us for a while knows that, you know, my

778
00:37:30,843.6392540382221 --> 00:37:38,243.63925403822213
wife and I split a few years ago and with
any divorce, right, the friends split too,

779
00:37:38,243.63925403822213 --> 00:37:38,903.6392540382221
right.

780
00:37:38,903.6392540382221 --> 00:37:46,743.6392540382221
And I don't, you know, I don't know if I
knew it was coming or something was like

781
00:37:46,743.6392540382221 --> 00:37:49,215.63925403822213
we had a lot of shared friends and.

782
00:37:49,215.63925403822213 --> 00:37:52,475.63925403822213
we actually moved back into her hometown.

783
00:37:52,475.63925403822213 --> 00:37:54,415.63925403822213
So it's not my hometown.

784
00:37:54,495.63925403822213 --> 00:37:56,875.6392540382221
And I didn't know anyone here for the most
part.

785
00:37:56,875.6392540382221 --> 00:37:59,635.6392540382221
And anyone I did know were her friends.

786
00:37:59,635.6392540382221 --> 00:38:04,695.6392540382221
So like when the split happened, I had
this community of people that I knew that

787
00:38:04,695.6392540382221 --> 00:38:09,195.63925403822213
I had built up through going to things
that I'm interested in and just meeting

788
00:38:09,195.63925403822213 --> 00:38:12,935.6392540382221
people who happen to have that same
interest.

789
00:38:12,935.6392540382221 --> 00:38:16,720.6392540382221
So I was just reflecting on.

790
00:38:17,311.63925403822213 --> 00:38:21,431.63925403822213
how bad it could have been when I got
divorced, how few friends I could have had

791
00:38:21,431.63925403822213 --> 00:38:27,311.63925403822213
if I didn't have that community of people,
if I didn't have like that network that I

792
00:38:27,311.63925403822213 --> 00:38:31,811.6392540382221
put time into building, whether I saw this
coming or I just needed, you know, like I

793
00:38:31,811.6392540382221 --> 00:38:34,311.63925403822213
moved into a new area and I didn't have my
own friends.

794
00:38:34,331.63925403822213 --> 00:38:35,571.6392540382221
That's exactly what I had to do.

795
00:38:35,571.6392540382221 --> 00:38:39,311.63925403822213
I had to go out and find those places
where those people were that were doing

796
00:38:39,311.63925403822213 --> 00:38:41,491.63925403822213
the same things that I wanted to do.

797
00:38:41,491.63925403822213 --> 00:38:45,814.6392540382221
And, you know, at the end of the day, I've
got a pretty good community of friends.

798
00:38:46,335.63925403822213 --> 00:38:51,495.63925403822213
where I am and I just can't tell you how
much I just kept reflecting back on that

799
00:38:51,495.63925403822213 --> 00:38:55,815.6392540382221
going like, my God, if I hadn't done that,
where would I be?

800
00:38:55,815.6392540382221 --> 00:38:57,205.63925403822213
I would have had no one.

801
00:38:57,205.63925403822213 --> 00:38:59,703.6392540382221
Like that would have been atrocious for
me.

802
00:38:59,703.6392540382221 --> 00:39:03,863.6392540382221
Especially given the modern way things
are, you've been working from home the

803
00:39:03,863.6392540382221 --> 00:39:04,563.6392540382221
whole time.

804
00:39:04,563.6392540382221 --> 00:39:07,672.6392540382221
So to Megan's point, you don't have that
forced environment.

805
00:39:07,672.6392540382221 --> 00:39:09,103.63925403822213
That's, that's something I've been
struggling with.

806
00:39:09,103.63925403822213 --> 00:39:13,343.63925403822213
Most of the friends I've had over my life
are coworkers and their colleagues and

807
00:39:13,343.63925403822213 --> 00:39:15,703.6392540382221
moving to this new place and working fully
remote.

808
00:39:15,703.6392540382221 --> 00:39:17,623.6392540382221
My wife and I are home together all day.

809
00:39:17,623.6392540382221 --> 00:39:23,83.63925403822213
We don't have coworkers to share, you
know, an experience in another place.

810
00:39:23,83.63925403822213 --> 00:39:26,743.6392540382221
And so I remember my therapist very
clearly before we moved, he said, give it

811
00:39:26,743.6392540382221 --> 00:39:28,823.6392540382221
two years before you decide if it's.

812
00:39:28,823.6392540382221 --> 00:39:31,883.6392540382221
like if you're going to stay or go because
it takes two years to really like settle

813
00:39:31,883.6392540382221 --> 00:39:32,683.6392540382221
in.

814
00:39:32,683.6392540382221 --> 00:39:36,343.63925403822213
And I think, you know, add COVID, add
remote work environment that extends.

815
00:39:36,343.63925403822213 --> 00:39:39,823.6392540382221
And now we're at that three year mark and
it's finally starting like my, my

816
00:39:39,823.6392540382221 --> 00:39:41,433.63925403822213
daughters are really like gelling.

817
00:39:41,433.63925403822213 --> 00:39:42,983.6392540382221
They're finding their community.

818
00:39:42,983.6392540382221 --> 00:39:43,923.6392540382221
That's inspiring me.

819
00:39:43,923.6392540382221 --> 00:39:47,563.6392540382221
I'm starting to find mine and it is, it's,
it, you have to be intentional.

820
00:39:47,563.6392540382221 --> 00:39:51,703.6392540382221
And in many ways it's better because by
being intentional and putting yourself out

821
00:39:51,703.6392540382221 --> 00:39:55,263.63925403822213
there and doing the things you're
interested in to find the community there,

822
00:39:55,263.63925403822213 --> 00:39:56,791.6392540382221
it's way better than.

823
00:39:56,791.6392540382221 --> 00:40:00,511.63925403822213
hey, we work in the same building every
day for eight hours, we might as well

824
00:40:00,511.63925403822213 --> 00:40:02,271.63925403822213
learn to tolerate each other.

825
00:40:02,271.63925403822213 --> 00:40:07,571.6392540382221
And then you suddenly have that, you know,
kind of forced grade school relationship

826
00:40:07,571.6392540382221 --> 00:40:08,251.63925403822213
again.

827
00:40:08,251.63925403822213 --> 00:40:14,611.6392540382221
I just think it can't be overstated, can't
be overstated how important it is to

828
00:40:14,611.6392540382221 --> 00:40:19,271.63925403822213
intentionally build community and not just
rely on the one that you're handed because

829
00:40:19,271.63925403822213 --> 00:40:20,649.6392540382221
of your circumstance.

830
00:40:21,108.63925403822213 --> 00:40:27,768.6392540382221
on the flip side of it too, like I have
very actively, you know, decided to cut

831
00:40:27,768.6392540382221 --> 00:40:30,728.6392540382221
people out of my life that weren't serving
my interest.

832
00:40:30,728.6392540382221 --> 00:40:37,288.63925403822213
So there were, there were definitely a few
people that were in my life that because I

833
00:40:37,288.63925403822213 --> 00:40:42,568.6392540382221
was lonely, because I didn't have anyone
else, I kind of latched onto them to some

834
00:40:42,568.6392540382221 --> 00:40:43,648.6392540382221
extent.

835
00:40:44,268.63925403822213 --> 00:40:47,400.63925403822213
And that was hard.

836
00:40:47,400.63925403822213 --> 00:40:52,480.63925403822213
That was really hard to just kind of walk
away from those those few people.

837
00:40:52,620.6392540382221 --> 00:40:56,420.63925403822213
But they just weren't serving me in the
way I needed to be served.

838
00:40:56,420.63925403822213 --> 00:40:56,660.6392540382221
Right.

839
00:40:56,660.6392540382221 --> 00:41:01,380.63925403822213
There was all the situations were
different, but it just wasn't what I

840
00:41:01,380.63925403822213 --> 00:41:02,400.63925403822213
wanted.

841
00:41:02,460.63925403822213 --> 00:41:05,520.6392540382221
And unfortunately, I had to walk away from
a few of those.

842
00:41:05,700.6392540382221 --> 00:41:07,260.63925403822213
So.

843
00:41:07,260.63925403822213 --> 00:41:10,500.63925403822213
I mean, to sum it up, like.

844
00:41:11,0.6392540382221341 --> 00:41:14,960.6392540382221
Love the people that you love and make
sure that you you stay in touch with them

845
00:41:14,960.6392540382221 --> 00:41:17,159.63925403822213
and your friends with them, but.

846
00:41:17,159.63925403822213 --> 00:41:20,579.6392540382221
Make sure you're not hanging on to
somebody just because you're lonely and

847
00:41:20,579.6392540382221 --> 00:41:22,783.6392540382221
it's not the right person who's serving
you.

848
00:41:23,92.63925403822213 --> 00:41:24,512.6392540382221
yeah, 100%.

849
00:41:24,512.6392540382221 --> 00:41:25,892.6392540382221
All right, well, great advice there.

850
00:41:25,892.6392540382221 --> 00:41:29,912.6392540382221
And again, the key point, I think, is
leaning into the discomfort.

851
00:41:29,952.6392540382221 --> 00:41:32,332.63925403822213
What's the quote you have on your wall?

852
00:41:32,332.63925403822213 --> 00:41:35,143.63925403822213
The magic is in the work you're avoiding.

853
00:41:35,143.63925403822213 --> 00:41:37,88.63925403822213
The magic is in the work that you're
avoiding.

854
00:41:37,88.63925403822213 --> 00:41:37,578.6392540382221
magic.

855
00:41:37,578.6392540382221 --> 00:41:42,548.6392540382221
So keep that in mind with whatever
challenge you're facing trying to overcome

856
00:41:42,548.6392540382221 --> 00:41:43,168.63925403822213
something.

857
00:41:43,168.63925403822213 --> 00:41:46,508.63925403822213
If it's uncomfortable, that's probably the
path you need to go down.

858
00:41:46,528.6392540382221 --> 00:41:47,448.63925403822213
Thank you so much for listening.

859
00:41:47,448.63925403822213 --> 00:41:49,868.6392540382221
If you've gotten any value out of this
episode, please do share it with somebody

860
00:41:49,868.6392540382221 --> 00:41:50,788.6392540382221
who could benefit from it.

861
00:41:50,788.6392540382221 --> 00:41:55,268.63925403822213
You can do so by just hitting that share
button in your social media player or your

862
00:41:55,268.63925403822213 --> 00:41:58,688.6392540382221
podcast player, whatever you want to do,
but share this out and help other people

863
00:41:58,688.6392540382221 --> 00:42:00,548.6392540382221
to be a little bit less lonely.

864
00:42:00,548.6392540382221 --> 00:42:02,548.6392540382221
I hope this episode helps you and helps
them.

865
00:42:02,548.6392540382221 --> 00:42:03,458.63925403822213
Thanks so much for being here.

866
00:42:03,458.63925403822213 --> 00:42:06,808.6392540382221
We'll be back next week with a brand new
episode at thefitmess .com.

867
00:42:07,271.63925403822213 --> 00:42:07,911.6392540382221
See you everyone.