How to Transform Relationships by Asking Better Questions

1
00:00:45,968 --> 00:00:47,079
Hey there everybody.

2
00:00:47,079 --> 00:00:48,280
Thanks for listening.

3
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:49,901
This is the Fitmentist Podcast.

4
00:00:49,901 --> 00:00:51,402
My name is Jeremy.

5
00:00:51,643 --> 00:01:00,940
We talk about stuff like depression, anxiety, and what other mental health challenges
we're dealing with on any given day or week or month, wherever you are.

6
00:01:02,694 --> 00:01:07,416
Today, my guest is Topaz Adizes and he has an interesting idea.

7
00:01:07,416 --> 00:01:10,097
He's asking, can curiosity heal?

8
00:01:10,317 --> 00:01:23,683
A question he's been pursuing for a decade, having 1200 conversations with different
people to try to get to understand what it is that helps build better connection, better

9
00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,444
intimacy, better relationships.

10
00:01:26,664 --> 00:01:28,955
And he's the founder of The Skin Deep.

11
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:31,766
It's hugely popular on TikTok and YouTube.

12
00:01:31,844 --> 00:01:33,485
millions of followers, he's a big deal.

13
00:01:33,485 --> 00:01:39,417
He knows a thing or two about how better to get connected to those that are close to you.

14
00:01:39,598 --> 00:01:48,932
A powerful conversation and he says a number of things that I'm excited to share with you
because I'm always blown away that after doing this show and doing the amount of work and

15
00:01:48,932 --> 00:01:58,646
things I've done for years now, that somebody can come on this show and say something to
me and make me think about something in a way I've never thought of it before.

16
00:01:58,908 --> 00:02:06,681
and particular in this case, he's talking about how he sees movies or film as a form of
meditation.

17
00:02:06,721 --> 00:02:08,402
And I just, found that really powerful.

18
00:02:08,402 --> 00:02:17,366
So we're going to talk a little bit about that, but we're also going to get into a number
of questions that he believes are critical to building better relationships and better

19
00:02:17,366 --> 00:02:26,549
connection with, folks, and really speak to something that we talk about a lot on this
show, the idea of curiosity that really just being curious about things is the key to

20
00:02:26,549 --> 00:02:28,770
deeper, more meaningful relationships.

21
00:02:28,794 --> 00:02:35,620
He's going to break down how approaching conversations with genuine curiosity can create
space for vulnerability and connection.

22
00:02:35,843 --> 00:02:46,288
And he'll speak to that, thing that we do when we're trying to win an argument or, or,
know, prove ourselves right about something, how we get stuck on finding the right answer

23
00:02:46,288 --> 00:02:51,010
rather than trying to find better questions to get to a better answer.

24
00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:53,591
This is something that keeps coming up for me more and more in my life.

25
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:58,493
And it's something I need to pay more attention to is it's the idea of reframing the
questions we're asking.

26
00:02:58,493 --> 00:03:01,624
Instead of asking yourself things like, why does everything have to be so hard?

27
00:03:01,624 --> 00:03:03,335
Or why do I suck at this?

28
00:03:03,335 --> 00:03:03,853
Or

29
00:03:03,853 --> 00:03:06,344
Why is this thing such a challenge in my life?

30
00:03:06,565 --> 00:03:11,547
Thinking about those things in a different way, where it's like, what can I learn from
this experience?

31
00:03:11,648 --> 00:03:14,269
Who can I ask for help to get through this?

32
00:03:14,289 --> 00:03:15,510
What have I not tried?

33
00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:27,297
It just, when you change the way you ask yourself these questions about whatever you're
going through, it just tends to open doors to more and better answers to lead to what

34
00:03:27,297 --> 00:03:31,629
we're all trying to have here, which is I think a more peaceful, more content existence.

35
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:41,680
I know one area where I get stuck on this is the idea of success, trying to figure out
what it is to be a success, what it means to, you know, from the social perspective to be

36
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:42,131
a success.

37
00:03:42,131 --> 00:03:45,124
I compare myself to others all the time, even though I know I shouldn't.

38
00:03:45,124 --> 00:03:48,278
I know it's stupid and I know it doesn't serve me.

39
00:03:48,475 --> 00:03:55,931
But you're going to hear from Topaz his own story of moving from an ego driven success to
finding joy and fulfillment in creative work.

40
00:03:55,931 --> 00:04:02,164
And he shares how he changed his whole approach from seeking external validation to
enjoying the process itself.

41
00:04:02,164 --> 00:04:09,688
This is something I keep telling myself to do, but apparently not asking myself the right
questions to actually do it.

42
00:04:09,688 --> 00:04:13,010
Because I still very much rely on hearing from others.

43
00:04:13,130 --> 00:04:14,951
Good job, way to go.

44
00:04:14,951 --> 00:04:16,952
People like you, it's okay.

45
00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:18,153
You don't suck at things.

46
00:04:18,153 --> 00:04:19,384
You're a nice person.

47
00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:21,014
People want to be around you.

48
00:04:22,075 --> 00:04:22,896
This is tough.

49
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:26,167
I've spent my entire life seeking external validation and...

50
00:04:26,491 --> 00:04:37,176
trying to turn that lens inward and look at myself and just be proud of the work that I do
for the sake of doing it to be happy that I am who I am because it's the only opportunity

51
00:04:37,176 --> 00:04:37,846
I've got, right?

52
00:04:37,846 --> 00:04:39,947
Like I'm not going to be anybody else.

53
00:04:40,007 --> 00:04:44,321
So I need to learn to enjoy this experience because it ain't changing.

54
00:04:44,321 --> 00:04:45,341
But enough about me.

55
00:04:45,341 --> 00:04:47,322
Let's bring in Topaz.

56
00:04:47,322 --> 00:04:48,543
We started the conversation.

57
00:04:48,543 --> 00:04:54,525
Look, this guy has talked to 1,200 different people over 10 years about this stuff that
we're talking about.

58
00:04:54,525 --> 00:04:58,167
And so I wanted to find out what the hell led to that.

59
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:01,648
What a crazy journey to go on with an incredible experience.

60
00:05:01,648 --> 00:05:05,550
He's learned so much, and you're going to learn so much from this conversation.

61
00:05:05,550 --> 00:05:10,112
So I want to turn it over now to I asked Topaz how he got started on all this.

62
00:05:10,112 --> 00:05:13,551
And so here now is my conversation with Topaz Adidas.

63
00:05:14,072 --> 00:05:15,322
how'd I get into this good question?

64
00:05:15,322 --> 00:05:18,082
I think life brought me into this and what does even that mean?

65
00:05:18,082 --> 00:05:26,722
look my parents got divorced when I was three or four and From early on I just There was a
search for intimacy and search for connection.

66
00:05:26,722 --> 00:05:30,462
I saw my parents who were then you know, you're a three four-year-old or gods

67
00:05:30,484 --> 00:05:32,615
and there was war at home.

68
00:05:32,835 --> 00:05:38,758
Just didn't understand why these two people that loved me so much didn't like each other
so much.

69
00:05:38,858 --> 00:05:39,879
What was not working?

70
00:05:39,879 --> 00:05:46,152
And I think that created a pain that turned into a hunger, a search for intimacy and
connection.

71
00:05:46,152 --> 00:05:50,084
And that led me through, you know, my 20s, I studied philosophy, blah, blah, blah.

72
00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:54,986
took a camera, I started trying to travel and talk to people and...

73
00:05:54,998 --> 00:05:56,628
I realized that camera was a bridge.

74
00:05:56,628 --> 00:06:04,178
It was a bridge into people's worlds and it kind of opened the door so I could learn about
people's lives.

75
00:06:04,178 --> 00:06:11,338
And I was really, think looking for intimacy and connection, just seeing where was it
between people, not necessarily just for myself, but just amongst people.

76
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:24,357
then became a filmmaker and did that for 15, 20 years and turned my direction of really
just focusing on utilizing my skills as a filmmaker around

77
00:06:24,357 --> 00:06:26,730
a digital platform that explored a human connection.

78
00:06:26,730 --> 00:06:34,449
This is 2014 I just saw like how we were all shifting so much due to technology But no one
was really asking the question.

79
00:06:34,449 --> 00:06:37,592
How is the emotional experience of being human?

80
00:06:37,813 --> 00:06:41,616
shifting in lieu of all these technologies right

81
00:06:41,897 --> 00:06:51,605
And that's kind of the road I've been on for the last 11 12 years through my experiences I
see the skin deep and the thing that's kind of our flagship experience or product if you

82
00:06:51,605 --> 00:07:03,034
will is called the and that's what won the Emmy and that's this digital format where we've
been posting pretty much a conversation every week for the last More or less ten years and

83
00:07:03,034 --> 00:07:06,956
now in 11th year every week a conversation between two people

84
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:08,923
And they're facing each other.

85
00:07:08,923 --> 00:07:12,836
We give them questions and we're showing you either a bi-panel or triptych.

86
00:07:12,836 --> 00:07:15,569
So basically you're seeing both faces at the same time.

87
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:22,575
And that gives me and my team a really unique vantage point because we've been watching
humans be humans.

88
00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:25,678
We've been watching people in conversation.

89
00:07:25,918 --> 00:07:29,121
And I've learned a lot from witnessing that space.

90
00:07:29,121 --> 00:07:32,286
How to hold it, how to construct it, how to...

91
00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:33,670
learning from humans being humans.

92
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:34,473
It's just amazing.

93
00:07:34,473 --> 00:07:38,820
So it's a long way Quick answer about how I got here

94
00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:40,001
That's okay.

95
00:07:40,984 --> 00:07:45,763
It's interesting, it seems that the curiosity was the fuel that that led you on this
journey.

96
00:07:45,763 --> 00:07:50,921
But curiosity also turns out to be one of the answers you found in this exploration.

97
00:07:51,461 --> 00:07:52,125
I mean...

98
00:07:52,125 --> 00:08:01,679
I found was that the power of questions and that's a cliche but It's one that we often
overlook even the morning you wake up and you say shit.

99
00:08:01,679 --> 00:08:08,292
I have to do that today You don't realize you're answering a question The question is what
shitty thing not to do that.

100
00:08:08,292 --> 00:08:09,052
That's shitty thing.

101
00:08:09,052 --> 00:08:11,213
Okay, well then change the question

102
00:08:11,809 --> 00:08:17,199
Amongst the day's busy schedule of all the shitty things I have to do today What's the
lesson I'm learn?

103
00:08:17,199 --> 00:08:19,469
What's the one moment that's gonna be divine?

104
00:08:19,469 --> 00:08:28,609
What's the one thing that I'm really cherish even though I have to do all the shitty
things Then your answer will be different you say you know what I'm gonna find this moment

105
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:34,469
and what I've seen is just We're not practice at asking questions

106
00:08:34,751 --> 00:08:39,444
We are trained to give answers and all the power lies in the questions.

107
00:08:39,444 --> 00:08:44,686
You have kids and you get bedtime Say hey kids you want to go to sleep?

108
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:45,987
What's the answer?

109
00:08:45,987 --> 00:08:49,389
No You're asking you want to go to sleep?

110
00:08:49,590 --> 00:08:55,653
No, that's that's if you ask instead look kids you want to sleep on the bed or the couch?

111
00:08:56,629 --> 00:08:58,390
The option is not not sleeping.

112
00:08:58,390 --> 00:09:05,453
That's not an option because in your question you've shaped the two potential answers So
what questions are you asking yourself?

113
00:09:05,453 --> 00:09:16,678
Your answers shape the question your answers are shaped by the question and yet all our
focus is on the answer It's the wrong place to look 80 % 90 % of the energy should be in

114
00:09:16,678 --> 00:09:24,162
the question if you're if I'm sorry Just to finish if you are banging your head right now
against something where should we live?

115
00:09:24,162 --> 00:09:25,372
What should I do with my job?

116
00:09:25,372 --> 00:09:26,613
Should I break up?

117
00:09:26,613 --> 00:09:35,693
Should I tell this person that and you can't figure it out and you're kind of banging your
head against the wall Stop thinking about the answer change the question.

118
00:09:35,694 --> 00:09:39,638
You don't have a good question create a better question Then the answer becomes obvious.

119
00:09:39,638 --> 00:09:42,258
That's what I've learned from this last 11 years

120
00:09:42,258 --> 00:09:50,645
I'm so glad we're talking about this because in my life, this has been something that
keeps coming up for me in more explicit ways than I ever noticed before.

121
00:09:50,886 --> 00:10:00,495
One was talking to my therapist just a couple of weeks ago and dealing, because I deal
with depression, less so than I used to because of the things I've done to manage it.

122
00:10:00,495 --> 00:10:06,781
But I was in kind of a down point and I was sort of wrestling with...

123
00:10:07,093 --> 00:10:13,057
You know, he was talking about possibly experimenting with medication again, which I did
not like when I did before I had bad results.

124
00:10:13,057 --> 00:10:19,761
And I was hung up on this question of is the world broken or am I broken?

125
00:10:19,761 --> 00:10:22,703
Like, which is like, why do I need to take a pill?

126
00:10:22,703 --> 00:10:24,434
Because I don't fit into a broken world.

127
00:10:24,434 --> 00:10:25,874
Like I don't think I'm the broken one.

128
00:10:25,874 --> 00:10:28,806
I think the world is the broken one and I can't find my place in it.

129
00:10:28,806 --> 00:10:33,289
And I, I, I posed that question to someone and they said, it's the wrong question.

130
00:10:33,429 --> 00:10:33,801
Hmm.

131
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:34,842
Yeah, you're kind of broken.

132
00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:35,743
The world's kind of broken.

133
00:10:35,743 --> 00:10:38,927
But the better question is like, how am I going to find my place here?

134
00:10:38,927 --> 00:10:41,901
Like, how am I going to manage this?

135
00:10:44,141 --> 00:10:45,347
Right.

136
00:10:45,663 --> 00:10:47,926
Change the question and and I think

137
00:10:47,926 --> 00:11:00,774
been in places of my own dark depression and hard to get out it's like climbing your way
out and what I find helpful is It's because I'm repeating it's banging my head against a

138
00:11:00,774 --> 00:11:03,776
answer that is not giving me agency.

139
00:11:03,856 --> 00:11:10,391
It's not giving me a sense of not giving me answers that are providing the latter out of
the pit

140
00:11:11,259 --> 00:11:16,241
So change the question such that you get answers that provide you the ladder out of the
pit.

141
00:11:16,361 --> 00:11:20,543
You're in relationship, you break up or you get ghosted, what not.

142
00:11:20,804 --> 00:11:22,764
You ask yourself, why they dumped me?

143
00:11:22,764 --> 00:11:23,805
Why they ghosting me?

144
00:11:23,805 --> 00:11:27,967
Well, your mind is a faithful dog and it's built to protect you.

145
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:32,869
And it's gonna go find all the answers it needs from any question you ask.

146
00:11:32,869 --> 00:11:34,030
Why'd she dump me?

147
00:11:34,030 --> 00:11:35,470
Why'd he dump me?

148
00:11:35,931 --> 00:11:36,891
Why?

149
00:11:37,095 --> 00:11:39,357
You know why they go see me?

150
00:11:39,358 --> 00:11:49,008
Okay, because this this this this whatever answers that dog that faithful dog that you
have the mind of yours It's built to pretty we'll find you all the answers and how many of

151
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:55,374
those answers are really gonna empower you so change the question What am I gonna learn
from this relationship that I'll carry to the next?

152
00:11:56,219 --> 00:12:02,004
Did I play full out in this relationship and in what ways can I play even more in the next
one?

153
00:12:02,044 --> 00:12:11,262
What did I learn from this relationship that made me better relationships that I'll carry
to the next or that I'll let go of in the next Then you get answers that aren't more

154
00:12:11,262 --> 00:12:17,875
empowering to give you agency you can move forward and and we don't focus enough on the
questions and

155
00:12:17,875 --> 00:12:19,456
So how do we start to see it differently?

156
00:12:19,456 --> 00:12:21,959
How do we learn that skill to ask better questions?

157
00:12:21,959 --> 00:12:30,006
Because it is so easy to default to the, how do I stop getting smacked in the face every
time I do the same thing over and over again?

158
00:12:30,175 --> 00:12:42,113
Yeah, I mean that's I think that's what's like in my book is I guess that's where I feel
that experience that I've lived through my team and I for the last 11 years is is that is

159
00:12:43,014 --> 00:12:53,599
Seeing that distinction of the power of the questions in a really, you know in a very real
way because I Bring people into a room together and you give them a really unique question

160
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,432
What's the pain in me you wish you could heal and why?

161
00:12:56,432 --> 00:13:01,535
know, what was the first moment you knew that I knew I loved you?

162
00:13:02,512 --> 00:13:11,882
A lot of our questions are scripted and generic and therefore we have the same answers to
you change the questions You make them deeper people have to take a pause Jeremy.

163
00:13:11,882 --> 00:13:13,263
What's your favorite lie?

164
00:13:13,263 --> 00:13:14,884
You love telling yourself

165
00:13:15,834 --> 00:13:16,865
Now you're gonna pause.

166
00:13:16,865 --> 00:13:20,477
It's like, wait, the truth you hate telling yourself?

167
00:13:20,889 --> 00:13:21,779
Okay, let me look there.

168
00:13:21,779 --> 00:13:22,610
Why?

169
00:13:22,610 --> 00:13:24,231
we don't look there that often.

170
00:13:24,231 --> 00:13:32,856
But the question directs you in a space that you don't look at often and therefore there's
a discovery of a new answer, of a new opportunity.

171
00:13:33,777 --> 00:13:36,259
And so we're often...

172
00:13:36,471 --> 00:13:46,591
Begging our head against the same questions that have been given to us by society by our
family by our friend by whatever You know that just everyone and therefore is not such

173
00:13:46,591 --> 00:13:58,091
interesting questions Therefore you don't get powerful interesting answers and so just by
chance by doing this project for 11 years that's what I've learned because I've asked

174
00:13:58,091 --> 00:14:03,355
thousands of questions and I see how humans react to those questions

175
00:14:03,355 --> 00:14:04,476
I started understanding.

176
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:06,057
wait, I can shape the answers.

177
00:14:06,057 --> 00:14:16,564
I can shape the opportunity I can shape the the bridge upon which people can either choose
to walk in across or not By positing a question a certain way

178
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:20,266
there, how do I ask this?

179
00:14:20,388 --> 00:14:26,481
for someone like you, you've studied this very closely, you've watched this over and over
again in the way people interact with each other.

180
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:37,959
Is there a danger in sort of overthinking the question that takes you away from the
vulnerability of the experience you're trying to better understand?

181
00:14:37,959 --> 00:14:38,989
Does that make sense?

182
00:14:38,989 --> 00:14:49,430
they kind of what I'm hearing from that is that's where curiosity comes in and why is
curiosity important because When you walk in the context of having a conversation that

183
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:53,475
explores who you are who the people in your life are

184
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,958
cannot come to it with an agenda.

185
00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:59,145
You have to come to it with an intention.

186
00:14:59,358 --> 00:15:02,940
And that's what's important about creating the space basically at the end of the day.

187
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:04,001
How do you do this?

188
00:15:04,001 --> 00:15:11,055
You how do you create the space of these conversations create the space and you ask
well-constructed questions We just talked about the power of questions how to well

189
00:15:11,055 --> 00:15:18,429
construct and we could talk about that But now you're asking well, how do you you know not
overthink you're not now this is about creating the space And what's important about

190
00:15:18,429 --> 00:15:26,834
creating the space is that you articulate your intention and the best intention is
curiosity Even if you're pissed someone did something that hurt you

191
00:15:27,082 --> 00:15:32,922
Stop because your first reaction is like I want to have a conversation and I want you to
apologize to me So what is that?

192
00:15:32,922 --> 00:15:41,522
That's your agenda and agenda is the end You're going into the conversation knowing where
you want to end up And how am I often does it happen?

193
00:15:41,522 --> 00:15:46,002
Do you like how does a partner come they say something and you know, wait a sec?

194
00:15:46,002 --> 00:15:48,722
Okay Where do they want to get to you this?

195
00:15:48,722 --> 00:15:53,022
You're not asked even thinking about the question You're thinking about why they ask in
the question.

196
00:15:53,022 --> 00:15:55,182
Where do they want to get to?

197
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:58,311
Your partner comes home and says hey, why do you love me?

198
00:15:59,032 --> 00:16:00,332
You're going away.

199
00:16:00,332 --> 00:16:00,962
Wait, wait, wait.

200
00:16:00,962 --> 00:16:04,194
You're not wondering why you love them You're wondering where the hell is this coming
from?

201
00:16:04,194 --> 00:16:05,894
What do they want to hear from me?

202
00:16:05,894 --> 00:16:07,055
What just happened?

203
00:16:07,055 --> 00:16:08,635
Where do they want to get to?

204
00:16:09,076 --> 00:16:19,070
They have an agenda and you therefore your mind comes out to protect you and now two minds
are talking instead of hearts because the heart is built to connect So, how do you bring

205
00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:20,840
how do you invite the heart out?

206
00:16:21,261 --> 00:16:24,502
Intention hey, this is where I'm starting from

207
00:16:25,704 --> 00:16:27,486
Something happened in early.

208
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:28,226
Why did this happen?

209
00:16:28,226 --> 00:16:28,647
I'm curious.

210
00:16:28,647 --> 00:16:29,727
Where did this come from?

211
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:35,391
I don't know where we're get to Therefore it's an invitation for your heart to step out my
heart to find out what's there.

212
00:16:35,492 --> 00:16:41,896
So when you say overthink it's like Overthinking because then you're thinking about a
question because you want to get to a certain place.

213
00:16:41,897 --> 00:16:49,683
You can only start from where you are That's how you can come with an intention to create
a space of exploration right

214
00:16:49,859 --> 00:16:52,770
And like the thing about why do you love me like we sell these card games, right?

215
00:16:52,770 --> 00:17:00,824
We got 15 editions of different card games and different things if your partner comes home
and says hey Jeremy, I Got a box of questions.

216
00:17:00,824 --> 00:17:06,466
It's a game called and choose a question and you randomly choose a question and says why
do you love me?

217
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:14,620
Now you're both not wondering why the other person asked it you know why because you're
playing a random game and one of questions why do you love me and now the space has been

218
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:17,971
created for one of you to give

219
00:17:18,265 --> 00:17:21,479
and arguably more importantly for one of you to receive.

220
00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:24,302
Because if your partner come, yeah.

221
00:17:24,583 --> 00:17:28,328
So I'm curious in that scenario where the person comes home with the, do you love me?

222
00:17:28,328 --> 00:17:32,453
Or, hey, we need to talk or whatever thing sets you up on the defensive.

223
00:17:32,995 --> 00:17:39,243
It's usually coming from some place of anger, some place of deep emotion.

224
00:17:40,205 --> 00:17:41,506
Yeah, so.

225
00:17:41,817 --> 00:17:49,696
Is it simply a matter of being intentional about that conversation and waiting until
you've sort of calmed down, have the right questions in mind?

226
00:17:49,696 --> 00:17:58,619
How do you separate from the, I'm pissed and I want the apology and I want things
different now to get to that place where you are really connecting at the heart and not at

227
00:17:58,619 --> 00:17:59,489
the head.

228
00:17:59,747 --> 00:18:00,994
Yeah, so.

229
00:18:01,785 --> 00:18:05,047
Well, how do you pop what's that mean pause breathe?

230
00:18:05,047 --> 00:18:16,462
down Good advice when things get crazier and crazier whether internally because your
emotions are going or around you The crazier get the faster it gets inside you or around

231
00:18:16,462 --> 00:18:27,018
you the slower you should move should inverse effect like slow down So breathing helps
right just take a breath feel that breath run through you like Okay, cool

232
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:32,195
You're feeling the emotion, anger, disappointment, shame, you got triggered.

233
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:35,688
more you can slow down and breathe, that helps you with the pause.

234
00:18:36,250 --> 00:18:39,713
Feel your way into it and search for the curiosity.

235
00:18:39,713 --> 00:18:41,434
Why am I feeling so angry?

236
00:18:41,545 --> 00:18:42,245
is just triggering me?

237
00:18:42,245 --> 00:18:43,785
Where's that coming from?

238
00:18:44,085 --> 00:18:47,005
What why did they just do that?

239
00:18:47,005 --> 00:18:50,865
Like I know we're in a relationship This is my best friend.

240
00:18:50,865 --> 00:18:51,405
It's my brother.

241
00:18:51,405 --> 00:19:00,235
This is my my wife is my partner husband My partner work I'm in the same page and yet this
hurtful thing happened.

242
00:19:00,235 --> 00:19:08,357
This disappointment happened Why like before you because the first instinct is

243
00:19:08,357 --> 00:19:19,625
And you want to kind of get it take a thing of why and that that can bring you to a point
of ask the question from the why Ask the point of the curiosity You know feel that

244
00:19:19,625 --> 00:19:28,261
curiosity because here's the thing if you go to the person and look I'm talking about
conversations that explore your relationship Sometimes you need to know the fact sometimes

245
00:19:28,261 --> 00:19:37,137
you need to know what this is That's not what I'm talking about here time about those deep
conversations that make your relationships more fulfilling more resilient more profound

246
00:19:37,405 --> 00:19:44,231
Because you're exploring what you don't offer and explore not the obvious you're going
deeper so from there you got to come from the place of wine like creating this space for

247
00:19:44,231 --> 00:19:53,629
them to step into Versus trying to get off of the wall that you've pinned them against
because you're accusing them It's much easier to shake a hand that's open then with a

248
00:19:53,629 --> 00:20:04,310
finger pointing at you So the curiosity is a natural way to tap into that So you need to
pause and go wait Okay, why am I feeling that way?

249
00:20:04,310 --> 00:20:09,464
Now really if this is really where I'm a ratio this person Why would they do that?

250
00:20:09,464 --> 00:20:20,351
Like and then sincerely asking that question coming from the place curiosity that already
changes the environment such that they can step in with their heart versus protecting

251
00:20:20,351 --> 00:20:25,205
themselves with the brain and Then you have to say like how do you construct that
question?

252
00:20:25,345 --> 00:20:32,471
So here's how you can here's a takeaway tool Okay, if you want to know here's a very
here's takeaway tool take home right here

253
00:20:32,471 --> 00:20:41,575
two words to any question and you're already D at deactivating the potential bomb that
could be there.

254
00:20:41,575 --> 00:20:44,446
Okay You either say you add the words.

255
00:20:44,446 --> 00:20:47,048
Do you think or do you feel?

256
00:20:47,048 --> 00:20:50,710
do you think why do you feel our relationship failed?

257
00:20:50,710 --> 00:20:53,741
do you think we just had a conflict?

258
00:20:54,222 --> 00:20:57,483
Okay, that makes it your subjective truth

259
00:20:57,625 --> 00:21:00,698
if I say hey Jeremy, why did our relationship fail?

260
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:05,946
See that question puts you in the place of objective Arbitr of truth.

261
00:21:06,007 --> 00:21:07,790
Why did our relationship fail?

262
00:21:07,790 --> 00:21:09,782
do you think this didn't work out?

263
00:21:09,953 --> 00:21:10,093
no.

264
00:21:10,093 --> 00:21:10,543
Sorry.

265
00:21:10,543 --> 00:21:11,975
Why didn't this work out?

266
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:20,080
So you're gonna answer is like that's the truth and I'm like, no, no, that's not what
happened But if I just say why do you think why do you feel I can't argue with that?

267
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,183
I can't argue with you with that with you.

268
00:21:23,183 --> 00:21:24,404
That's your opinion.

269
00:21:24,404 --> 00:21:25,812
That's your experience

270
00:21:25,812 --> 00:21:34,662
I think, the conversation for you to see their perspective and mirror it against yours and
go, that's where the disconnect is.

271
00:21:34,662 --> 00:21:44,216
So just when you ask question just add the words do you think or do you feel and that
already makes it subjective and that's less an argument about what the objective truth is

272
00:21:44,216 --> 00:21:52,359
and more about what your experience is and then your space is already invitation for me to
hear your space and for you to Spent step for you need to hear your point of view and for

273
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,712
you to step into the space of sharing your point of view

274
00:21:56,262 --> 00:21:58,705
Now I want to ask you about the curiosity of the feeling.

275
00:21:58,705 --> 00:22:00,818
like, why am I angry about this?

276
00:22:00,818 --> 00:22:04,422
Like what about being curious about the actual feeling itself?

277
00:22:04,422 --> 00:22:06,356
Because often under anger is fear.

278
00:22:06,356 --> 00:22:09,110
Like I'm afraid of a possible outcome.

279
00:22:09,110 --> 00:22:10,983
It's coming out as fear.

280
00:22:10,983 --> 00:22:12,194
not a therapist.

281
00:22:12,194 --> 00:22:21,701
I don't know where shame comes up to guilt fear Look, I don't know what the answer is
there.

282
00:22:21,942 --> 00:22:34,503
I know it's a good question and a good perspective on it is that those emotions are
wonderful fodder or better said fertilizer for growth

283
00:22:34,503 --> 00:22:36,223
where there's a lot of, it's like, cool.

284
00:22:36,223 --> 00:22:38,243
There's a lot to explore there.

285
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:40,493
There's a lot of energy there.

286
00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:42,723
Now the question is, what do do with that energy?

287
00:22:43,103 --> 00:22:51,103
Do I let it rip me down or do I take the time to utilize it so I can utilize it in a
constructive manner to build me up into the next version of myself?

288
00:22:51,174 --> 00:22:54,554
sometimes how does that show up?

289
00:22:54,554 --> 00:23:02,749
In a very external example, sometimes I have to go have a conversation with someone I
don't want to have.

290
00:23:02,749 --> 00:23:18,885
want do it but I know that hesitancy or the my consternation of having that conversation
is inversely affected by the payoff that's going to come out of that conversation

291
00:23:18,885 --> 00:23:29,170
whenever I feel that hesitation or that like I know that like actually I'm gonna go do
that Why because I'm come out the other side with a surprise a great deal of growth or

292
00:23:29,170 --> 00:23:37,562
learning a better understanding I'm gonna step through that door Because the more the more
that I feel resistant to it.

293
00:23:37,562 --> 00:23:40,734
There's a greater lesson behind that and so the

294
00:23:40,734 --> 00:23:43,031
Holiday, the obstacle is the way, am I right?

295
00:23:43,031 --> 00:23:50,955
my god, so you feel so in that sense when you feel a deep emotion, that's what the pause
is So important and the breath is to drop into it.

296
00:23:50,955 --> 00:23:54,270
Why because there's so much stuff to explore there

297
00:23:55,154 --> 00:24:00,342
explore it because that's the that's that's the path to more growth

298
00:24:01,047 --> 00:24:06,786
What has all of this work that you've done really studying human connection, how has it
changed you?

299
00:24:06,786 --> 00:24:10,824
Like who were you when you started on this journey and who are you now?

300
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:11,505
good question.

301
00:24:11,505 --> 00:24:12,316
mean,

302
00:24:12,317 --> 00:24:21,782
I mean, I don't know if it's the work or not, but one thing that has changed is I'm not, I
do the same work, but I'm not driven by the same motivation.

303
00:24:21,943 --> 00:24:31,327
I used to be driven by a lack of self-esteem and a desire to prove myself to my father and
the standards he set, which was basically genius or nothing.

304
00:24:31,688 --> 00:24:33,789
And it was for me.

305
00:24:34,153 --> 00:24:43,538
I was ego-driven because I needed the claps and you know the first two times I went to
Sundance I had two short I had three short films at Sundance the first two times I went

306
00:24:43,538 --> 00:24:48,611
there were back-to-back years the screening the only question I was wondering is do they
think I'm a genius?

307
00:24:49,432 --> 00:24:53,994
Because that was what I was like That was a question that I've been set by my father.

308
00:24:53,994 --> 00:24:55,215
That was a standard

309
00:24:55,487 --> 00:24:56,907
Do they think I'm a genius?

310
00:24:56,907 --> 00:24:58,547
Do they think I'm a genius?

311
00:24:58,807 --> 00:25:00,617
My God, can you, that's exhausting.

312
00:25:00,617 --> 00:25:02,467
That's an exhausting question.

313
00:25:02,627 --> 00:25:08,307
It's like puts the judgment, my judgment and my own value on other people and it's a high
standard.

314
00:25:08,887 --> 00:25:12,077
Years later, I went back with third short film.

315
00:25:12,077 --> 00:25:15,907
It was The Ann Marcel and Rock from The Ann.

316
00:25:16,087 --> 00:25:21,307
And man, I enjoy that festival at Sundance so much more because I was not asking myself,
am I a genius?

317
00:25:21,307 --> 00:25:23,007
I was asking myself.

318
00:25:23,133 --> 00:25:25,199
Are they enjoying this as much as I am?

319
00:25:25,877 --> 00:25:27,110
That's awesome.

320
00:25:27,377 --> 00:25:28,189
I was enjoying it.

321
00:25:28,189 --> 00:25:36,701
was like, they in if they're not fine, but I could this is amazing and that's a much
better question to ask It's much more joyful right

322
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:48,751
It's so hard when you are a creator of some kind to walk that line between what are they
going to like and how much am I doing this for the joy and the satisfaction of creation.

323
00:25:48,751 --> 00:25:53,008
we can all do, there's a million podcasts and most of them suck, right?

324
00:25:53,008 --> 00:26:00,722
But it's people out there that live in their best lives, talking about stuff they're super
interested in and their mom and their brother listen to it and they're great.

325
00:26:00,722 --> 00:26:06,965
And there's people out there that are doing the algorithm, they're playing it right,
they're asking the right questions so that the audience will love it and they're

326
00:26:07,657 --> 00:26:08,323
Right.

327
00:26:08,323 --> 00:26:09,297
doing pretty well for themselves.

328
00:26:09,297 --> 00:26:11,758
Like that's a tough line to walk as a creator.

329
00:26:11,758 --> 00:26:17,020
could be doing the exact same thing Externally, you can be making the exact same podcast.

330
00:26:17,020 --> 00:26:22,736
You'll be making exactly the same job You can be doing exactly same films or what it
writings whatever it is.

331
00:26:22,817 --> 00:26:26,599
You're doing the exact same thing But where you're coming from?

332
00:26:26,860 --> 00:26:37,427
The intention and the criteria you set for yourself can be totally different and that
could be the difference between you being exhausted and unhappy or fulfilled and ecstatic

333
00:26:38,132 --> 00:26:44,939
And when I went from being do they think I'm a genius to are they enjoying this as much as
I am you could see like What's I'm still doing the same thing?

334
00:26:44,939 --> 00:26:54,328
I'm still making films But where I'm coming from and how I'm evaluating what's happening
is set against a different question And that second question sets me up for more happiness

335
00:26:54,328 --> 00:27:01,116
and joy even if they're like they don't enjoy it as much as I because I'm having a great
time Okay

336
00:27:01,608 --> 00:27:03,447
that's been a big shift for me.

337
00:27:03,447 --> 00:27:12,767
It's definitely is where what question I asked I mean even the shift from starting this
project Before that I was a filmmaker for 15 20 years.

338
00:27:12,767 --> 00:27:18,601
I was making film So the question I was asking myself is you know, how do I get my next
movie made?

339
00:27:19,062 --> 00:27:29,790
You know in my You know, I saw basically cinemas modern-day popular culture meditation
because you get people into a theater sit down

340
00:27:30,099 --> 00:27:31,590
They're focused.

341
00:27:31,590 --> 00:27:32,470
They're not moving.

342
00:27:32,470 --> 00:27:34,201
The breathing pattern is consistent.

343
00:27:34,201 --> 00:27:47,966
They're watching a screen for 90 minutes meditation Right modern-day pop and I was like
that's super cool but then I asked myself a question I had a short film that went to can

344
00:27:48,247 --> 00:27:49,047
and

345
00:27:49,351 --> 00:28:00,101
I put up on Vimeo by accident without a password and it got picked up as short of the week
and in a week had like half a million views So that was like wait, what game am I playing?

346
00:28:00,101 --> 00:28:11,583
I asked myself what game am I My play the game of this popular culture meditation like,
know popular culture meditation by making cinema am I playing the game of injecting ideas

347
00:28:11,583 --> 00:28:12,883
into the mainstream?

348
00:28:13,484 --> 00:28:20,406
That's a really interesting game to play well, I'm playing a game injecting ideas in
mainstream Why don't I go digital?

349
00:28:20,506 --> 00:28:31,369
Because look how many people watch my film in one week how much time money and energy
would have that taken me and the other Model of making a film in a theater Wait, this is a

350
00:28:31,369 --> 00:28:32,559
much more interesting game to play.

351
00:28:32,559 --> 00:28:37,210
Let me go play that game So right now if you're listening, what game are you playing?

352
00:28:37,231 --> 00:28:38,581
I don't care what job you have.

353
00:28:38,581 --> 00:28:42,292
I don't what is how are you naming what you are?

354
00:28:42,574 --> 00:28:43,487
doing.

355
00:28:44,430 --> 00:28:55,526
I would argue that many of them are naming it as, this is the thing I have to do to pay
the rent, to feed my kids, to put gas in the tank.

356
00:28:55,686 --> 00:28:58,778
And it's a miserable existence.

357
00:28:58,778 --> 00:29:00,209
It's the thing I have to do.

358
00:29:00,209 --> 00:29:01,069
Where we started.

359
00:29:01,069 --> 00:29:04,971
What shitty thing do I have to do today to make today a success?

360
00:29:05,532 --> 00:29:07,613
that's just a horrible question, right?

361
00:29:07,613 --> 00:29:09,183
What should you think that you do today?

362
00:29:09,183 --> 00:29:13,174
you're even if you have the best day on the planet You're like central pay on a vacation.

363
00:29:13,174 --> 00:29:17,836
I don't know what if you're asking your brain What should he do to have to do today there?

364
00:29:17,836 --> 00:29:19,386
Your brain is a faithful dog.

365
00:29:19,386 --> 00:29:34,092
It will find you that shitty thing and that's what you're focusing on Yeah, exactly
exactly Exactly exactly and I just think we're not trained on how to ask questions

366
00:29:34,092 --> 00:29:38,693
what I've learned, you know and and yeah week

367
00:29:38,693 --> 00:29:39,605
a lot on relationships.

368
00:29:39,605 --> 00:29:44,034
How have your relationships changed because of this different approach to asking
questions?

369
00:29:44,087 --> 00:29:56,371
When I started this I was single and I'm now married with two children I definitely think
Look witnessing all these and it's not just romantic.

370
00:29:56,371 --> 00:30:00,705
It's grandparents with their grandchildren as best friends and siblings, right?

371
00:30:01,190 --> 00:30:06,750
watch over 1200 conversations, pairs in conversation, all kinds of relationships.

372
00:30:06,750 --> 00:30:09,500
And a lot of them come back year after year after year.

373
00:30:09,500 --> 00:30:17,270
So not only do we have like a breadth of relationships, but we have depth too, because you
can track people over time.

374
00:30:17,690 --> 00:30:20,590
As they become parents, as they change, know.

375
00:30:20,761 --> 00:30:28,499
you watch these conversations and you can't stop but seeing yourself in them because
you're wondering, ooh.

376
00:30:29,025 --> 00:30:32,347
Do I listen to my partner like that person listens to their partner?

377
00:30:33,248 --> 00:30:38,003
Do I mansplain to my wife like that person's mansplaining to their partner?

378
00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:39,444
I really listening?

379
00:30:39,444 --> 00:30:43,247
Am I really taking this other person in like that person is?

380
00:30:43,507 --> 00:30:47,201
Am I totally oblivious my partner like that person is?

381
00:30:47,201 --> 00:30:51,945
want and then that gives a reflection other people's

382
00:30:52,503 --> 00:31:01,511
Life experiences other people's moments of vulnerability and courage or courage in
vulnerability of sharing a bit of themselves In front of us that you can all see on

383
00:31:01,511 --> 00:31:11,370
YouTube, but I'm seeing like in person in the studio It's the same thing when you watch it
in the conversation like you see a reflection of yourself and what you have and have not

384
00:31:11,370 --> 00:31:19,543
and could be or could not be And that really gives you an opportunity to change and grow
in your own relationships because yeah

385
00:31:19,543 --> 00:31:22,074
you seen people struggle to be vulnerable?

386
00:31:22,074 --> 00:31:27,657
I've been in a similar situation where I shot a pilot for an HBO show.

387
00:31:27,657 --> 00:31:29,559
was like a group therapy situation.

388
00:31:29,559 --> 00:31:33,121
And somehow, magically, the cameras disappeared when we were there.

389
00:31:33,121 --> 00:31:36,343
We were in the moment, open, raw, emotional.

390
00:31:36,343 --> 00:31:37,744
Is it hard to get people to...

391
00:31:37,744 --> 00:31:43,447
Because it's hard for people to open up without cameras, but put a camera on their face
and all of sudden shields up, right?

392
00:31:43,447 --> 00:31:45,728
Has that been a struggle for you at all?

393
00:31:46,061 --> 00:31:52,914
Look, that's like that's that's like that's it would be if we had an agenda of Every time
we do an ant session.

394
00:31:52,914 --> 00:32:02,608
We want them to behave a certain way and cry It's not our intention is create the space
for humans to be humans and this is their experience Because let us not forget two things

395
00:32:02,608 --> 00:32:10,561
a there's many ways to be vulnerable But vulnerable for you might be different for me You
want me to cry and open up time?

396
00:32:10,561 --> 00:32:15,373
Maybe that's not vulnerable for me Maybe vulnerable for me is something else

397
00:32:15,705 --> 00:32:23,168
So we all have our different shades and forms of vulnerability and the other thing that's
worth noting that we don't often pay attention to the fact that Oftentimes when you think

398
00:32:23,168 --> 00:32:34,342
of vulnerability you think of the one who's sharing who's telling their life experience or
sharing something There's also vulnerability in the listener You're with your partner you

399
00:32:34,342 --> 00:32:35,913
ask your partner a question

400
00:32:35,939 --> 00:32:47,595
They go say vulnerable and sharing experience, but that experience is a reflection of you
or of your relationship There's vulnerability in you listening taking it in acknowledge

401
00:32:47,595 --> 00:32:48,536
that too.

402
00:32:49,238 --> 00:32:51,990
It'll be no

403
00:32:51,990 --> 00:32:53,053
why can't you open up?

404
00:32:53,053 --> 00:32:55,263
Why can't you share what's going on inside?

405
00:32:55,263 --> 00:32:55,544
Right?

406
00:32:55,544 --> 00:33:00,965
And so are the others, are we all holding space for each other to be vulnerable by being
vulnerable ourselves?

407
00:33:00,965 --> 00:33:12,285
we when we do an and we don't we don't had one time One of my you know, don't direct them
all I have incredible people who also direct that we train and they go direct ands and

408
00:33:12,285 --> 00:33:15,636
it's incredible one time Whatever directors calling me up.

409
00:33:15,636 --> 00:33:16,269
She's a topaz.

410
00:33:16,269 --> 00:33:16,859
It's not working.

411
00:33:16,859 --> 00:33:17,622
They're not crying.

412
00:33:17,622 --> 00:33:23,735
They're not crying It's like they're not really going there said it's not working because
you think it should go a certain way.

413
00:33:23,735 --> 00:33:28,538
It is what it is And it's beautiful because there's something to learn from every
conversation

414
00:33:29,059 --> 00:33:33,645
We don't all behave the same way and think about it where where in life.

415
00:33:33,645 --> 00:33:35,686
Do you really get to see?

416
00:33:36,108 --> 00:33:38,961
the intimate conversations of others

417
00:33:38,961 --> 00:33:41,333
your family maybe that's it.

418
00:33:41,333 --> 00:33:42,762
Maybe a certain friend group.

419
00:33:42,762 --> 00:33:55,034
That's it Now with this kiddie, we have a library the form of the end of over 1200
conversations of raw honest vulnerable conversations in many shapes and forms For you to

420
00:33:55,034 --> 00:33:58,226
see on youtube that's going to inform

421
00:33:58,571 --> 00:34:06,171
Perspective relationships you have your own life, you know, if I if I gave you Jeremy, I'm
like Jeremy man relationships are crazy They're just so full of jealousy.

422
00:34:06,171 --> 00:34:08,031
There's just jealousy everywhere.

423
00:34:08,031 --> 00:34:17,943
It's just there jealousies every relationship be like topaz That's cuz you're 50 % of all
the relationships you're in and maybe you bring the jealousy cuz check out this car Yeah

424
00:34:17,943 --> 00:34:18,593
is a huge thing.

425
00:34:18,593 --> 00:34:21,843
So many people bring, I do it with my daughter, my first daughter.

426
00:34:21,843 --> 00:34:25,643
I see so much of myself in her and I assume whatever she's going through.

427
00:34:25,643 --> 00:34:29,923
I know exactly what she's going through because she's so much like me and I'll try and dig
under the surface.

428
00:34:29,923 --> 00:34:31,893
Like, you know, it's, it's okay if this hurts.

429
00:34:31,893 --> 00:34:36,023
And she just looks at me like, but, but it doesn't like leave me alone.

430
00:34:36,023 --> 00:34:37,043
And it's crazy.

431
00:34:37,043 --> 00:34:43,263
Cause I'm like, how does that, if I were you, I would be devastated, but like putting on
the stoic face of like, no, everything's cool.

432
00:34:43,263 --> 00:34:46,908
And so then I even doubt her when she's like, no, I'm totally cool with this.

433
00:34:46,908 --> 00:34:48,289
It's fine.

434
00:34:48,550 --> 00:34:53,977
But because I believe that I would handle it differently and I see so much of myself in
her, I project all my shit on her.

435
00:34:53,977 --> 00:34:55,218
It's ridiculous.

436
00:34:55,379 --> 00:34:55,812
Yeah.

437
00:34:55,812 --> 00:34:56,564
you realize that?

438
00:34:56,564 --> 00:34:57,526
How long, how?

439
00:34:57,526 --> 00:35:04,088
mean, she's 13, so she has matured a lot in the last few years.

440
00:35:04,088 --> 00:35:10,170
But I mean, the minute I saw her, I literally, when I picked her up for the first time and
looked at her face, I was looking in a mirror.

441
00:35:10,391 --> 00:35:15,503
And it took a few years to figure out, OK, we not only look alike, but there's a lot of
similar.

442
00:35:15,503 --> 00:35:16,653
We're both highly sensitive people.

443
00:35:16,653 --> 00:35:19,594
We both feel things very deeply.

444
00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:21,060
And then she got quiet.

445
00:35:21,060 --> 00:35:24,292
And I know for me, when I got quiet, that's when I started to shut down.

446
00:35:24,292 --> 00:35:32,035
And so I projected onto her shutting down, but I got quiet because my parents split up and
there was alcoholism and there was all these problems in the family.

447
00:35:32,035 --> 00:35:36,687
She has a stable family with, you know, mom and dad that are very much in love and very
happy.

448
00:35:36,687 --> 00:35:44,230
Like it's a totally different experience that she has, but I'm coming at it from the
perspective of, there's so much pain there that you're just not showing me.

449
00:35:44,230 --> 00:35:45,881
And really she's like, no, I'm fine.

450
00:35:45,881 --> 00:35:47,602
Cause I'm stable and secure.

451
00:35:47,636 --> 00:35:57,857
So here's what's beautiful about humans are tailored made reflections for each other
reflect our own projections on others Which can be right or wrong, you know could not be

452
00:35:57,857 --> 00:36:02,651
reality, but we're projecting but They can be reflections for you.

453
00:36:02,651 --> 00:36:06,255
So you have a crater projection of yourself

454
00:36:06,255 --> 00:36:06,785
are Taylor.

455
00:36:06,785 --> 00:36:09,857
So what are you reflecting to your wife?

456
00:36:10,458 --> 00:36:12,458
What is she reflecting to you?

457
00:36:13,300 --> 00:36:20,096
How do we face our others and what do we share with them so that they can see themselves
better?

458
00:36:20,096 --> 00:36:29,253
will never ever be able to see yourself Jeremy I mean in the mirror, but you'll never ever
have the experience Unless you're having out-of-body experience on some psychedelic or

459
00:36:29,253 --> 00:36:30,313
near-death experience, right?

460
00:36:30,313 --> 00:36:31,684
Which would be awesome.

461
00:36:31,744 --> 00:36:33,265
But besides that

462
00:36:33,479 --> 00:36:44,726
Besides that you're never gonna see yourself The mirror is the mirror that itself is not
this but everyone around you while they can't see themselves they see you The closest way

463
00:36:44,726 --> 00:36:53,021
you can see you through their eyes is by having Certain moments with them Now it could be
doesn't have to be physical.

464
00:36:53,021 --> 00:37:00,456
It could be like in silence, but conversation is a gift we humans have So how do we use
it?

465
00:37:00,456 --> 00:37:04,790
do we tap into that create the space ask well-constructed questions?

466
00:37:04,790 --> 00:37:15,215
my book it's in my book But like but no no we don't have to but just like that's what I've
you know, started this young like I've done 80 podcast and When I started like why am I

467
00:37:15,215 --> 00:37:26,652
doing so many I'm doing so many because I'm learning more in the conversation the podcast
About the value of what I take for granted and I find obvious that isn't

468
00:37:26,924 --> 00:37:33,329
And I should share that that's like one thing I've learned in the last year So how I
change is that like for most of my life?

469
00:37:33,329 --> 00:37:34,710
I what I found obvious.

470
00:37:34,710 --> 00:37:35,530
I was like, it's obvious.

471
00:37:35,530 --> 00:37:37,031
Why am I talking about it?

472
00:37:37,071 --> 00:37:37,742
I'm the ass.

473
00:37:37,742 --> 00:37:40,153
I'm the narcissist who's gonna be talking about the obvious.

474
00:37:40,153 --> 00:37:45,137
What a schmuck So I just kept quiet Now at the age of 48.

475
00:37:45,137 --> 00:37:55,116
I'm realizing that actually what I find obvious is not necessary what other people find
obvious and that's where my value is So share it

476
00:37:55,116 --> 00:37:56,297
Yeah, it's crazy.

477
00:37:56,297 --> 00:38:06,878
was just talking about this on another show about how for most people, the big stuff, they
have to hear it like 50 times before it sinks in and they own it and make a change in

478
00:38:06,878 --> 00:38:07,809
their life.

479
00:38:07,809 --> 00:38:09,461
And so it's been the same for me.

480
00:38:09,461 --> 00:38:14,506
I've been talking about this stuff for seven years or whatever.

481
00:38:14,506 --> 00:38:16,858
try learning it and practicing it for years before that.

482
00:38:16,858 --> 00:38:18,519
And there are times when I'm like,

483
00:38:18,884 --> 00:38:24,627
Got have another conversation about, you know, sleep better, eat better, move your body,
like do stuff to take care of yourself and wow, your mental health will improve.

484
00:38:24,627 --> 00:38:27,869
And it just feels like, my God, how many times have I said this?

485
00:38:27,889 --> 00:38:37,094
But I know for me, when I heard it in the way that sunk in, I'm sure that person had said
it a thousand times, but I needed to hear it that day in that way for it to matter to me.

486
00:38:37,094 --> 00:38:39,255
And it is, it's crazy.

487
00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:48,380
Even I was having conversations in the last week with people that like things that seemed
obvious, that I just figured everyone knew and ignored was brand new information to them.

488
00:38:48,574 --> 00:38:58,537
And it's mind blowing how much the things that you experience are and become kind of an
expert in, other people know nothing about.

489
00:38:58,638 --> 00:39:00,579
you're right, that's where your value comes in.

490
00:39:00,696 --> 00:39:02,659
So how do you offer more of yourself?

491
00:39:02,900 --> 00:39:05,725
How do you offer more of yourself?

492
00:39:08,492 --> 00:39:10,366
Yeah.

493
00:39:10,366 --> 00:39:11,467
Let me write that down.

494
00:39:11,467 --> 00:39:15,346
do we where do we buy the book and the card game and see the videos and all this stuff?

495
00:39:15,346 --> 00:39:16,258
Where do we go?

496
00:39:16,258 --> 00:39:27,037
although the skin deep just look up the skin deep on any social YouTube tick tock and
Instagram's or primarily at the skin deep and then you know The book is available and the

497
00:39:27,037 --> 00:39:37,545
games are available everywhere in any Amazon and then the skin deep calm the skin deep
calm It's where you can find all our products and all that experiences digital products

498
00:39:37,545 --> 00:39:39,246
and books and blah blah

499
00:39:39,260 --> 00:39:39,610
Awesome.

500
00:39:39,610 --> 00:39:42,574
Well, we'll get the link to that in the description for this episode as well.

501
00:39:42,574 --> 00:39:44,036
Topaz, thanks so much for your time today, man.

502
00:39:44,036 --> 00:39:44,846
I really appreciate it.

503
00:39:44,846 --> 00:39:53,326
You've really, you've helped me reframe some things about my own life that, and that's
part of why love doing this is that occasionally somebody will say something and I'm like,

504
00:39:53,326 --> 00:39:54,858
I never saw that.

505
00:39:54,858 --> 00:39:56,498
So thank you for that.

506
00:39:56,498 --> 00:39:57,221
Thank you, man.

507
00:39:57,221 --> 00:39:57,956
Thank you so much.

508
00:39:57,956 --> 00:39:58,704
Thanks Jeremy

509
00:39:58,982 --> 00:40:00,203
Cool guy, right?

510
00:40:00,203 --> 00:40:02,524
Topaz Adidas, founder of the Skin Deep.

511
00:40:02,524 --> 00:40:05,607
You can follow them on TikTok and YouTube and all the places.

512
00:40:05,607 --> 00:40:12,011
The links for all of that are in the show description for this episode on whatever you're
using to listen to this episode.

513
00:40:12,011 --> 00:40:19,306
And whatever you're using to listen to this episode, I hope that you will use it to share
this with somebody who could benefit from hearing it or from someone who you think just

514
00:40:19,306 --> 00:40:20,734
might enjoy this conversation.

515
00:40:20,734 --> 00:40:25,017
if you haven't already, please do subscribe to the show so you don't miss any upcoming
episodes.

516
00:40:25,085 --> 00:40:28,724
Speaking of upcoming episodes, we'll have more for you at thefitmass.com.

517
00:40:28,724 --> 00:40:31,481
We'll be back there with a new episode very soon.

518
00:40:31,523 --> 00:40:32,724
Thanks so much for listening.