The Magic of Being You: Embracing Imperfections and Finding Happiness

Jeremy: [00:00:00] How do you define success? How will you know when you've achieved it? Is it flying in private jets? Sailing on super yachts, mingling with industry titans and hanging out with Elton John.

Zach: I wanna hang out with Elton

Jeremy: So do I. Me too. I'm so jealous.

Zach: Well today we'll share how our guest literally had all of that and was left empty and miserable, . But has discovered the keys to breaking the chains of his past and finding true freedom. So you can too.

Zach: I talk about all the time about looking at your beliefs, looking at what you believe, what you think, , and questioning all of those things and like how they've impacted you over the years and whether or not they're true .

And you know, it is nice when we talk to people [00:01:00] who, um, , validate that I'm right in that, in that sense. I love that part.

Jeremy: Yeah. I think that perfectly describes what our guest is gonna be talking to us about today is that idea that I think so many of us pursue every day, that , the success, the thing you're supposed to do, the thing you're supposed to achieve. Who you're supposed to become. But who decided that for you?

Did you decide that? Is it something you learned at school? Is it something your parents told you or maybe didn't tell you?

Zach: So I know that everyone comes to the show to hear you and I banter back and forth about all the things that are going on in our lives. But today, I think this interview actually hits on like so many different pieces of what we talk about on a regular basis. I just wanna hand it over to him.

Jeremy: One of the things , that he talks about that we actually touched on recently is that relationship that you have with your childhood version of yourself, the, the inner child, and how so much of the work that Colin King's Mill did to repair that relationship with his inner child and how he now coaches other people to do the same thing, has been among the most transformative things he's [00:02:00] ever done in his life.

He had it all. Flying in private jets, sailing on yachts, hanging out with Elton John. That's the one I'm the most jealous of by the way. He had it all but was just absolutely empty and miserable, and it wasn't until he did some really simple things, got really introspective and found that the life he was chasing wasn't the one that he ever really wanted.

So his experience, I relate to so much on a personal level. Things I've gone through recently on, on an emotional and spiritual level, things I've done just in my life.

So like you said, Zach, I wanna get right to the interview with Colin where we started by really talking about how his, like desperate pursuit for success, it, it paid off on paper, but really left him empty.

Colin: Yeah, so I think I had two midlife crises or two major pivotal moments in my life, right? The first one was kind of early childhood development, early career, where I was striving for, you know, the typical checklist of what you would typically define as [00:03:00] success, right? So I, I. Did my M B A in Milan, Italy. I moved to Switzerland.

I got into Swiss banking. I wore a suit and tie every day. I, you know, had the right cars, I had the right trips, I had the right, you know, vacations, et cetera, et cetera. And I got to a day, a day. And I remember the day, it was April 6th, 2001. I was 35 and. I, it, it, I crashed into a wall metaphorically and realized that I was super depressed, super unhappy, ridden with anxiety, uh, and completely unaware of it all right?

I was just so driven and so, um, so full of ambition and so full of myself that I didn't, I had no connection to the body, the mind to metaphysical, nothing. Right? , But that day, I, I hit that wall and, um, I had a bit of a spiritual awakening, if you like, combined with some great therapy, uh, [00:04:00] from my psychiatrist.

And by the, by that Monday, the following Monday, I, I, I stopped everything. I quit. I gave up, uh, a business. I gave my shares and my business to my partners. I quickly gave away everything I owned. Literally from watches to clothing to cars. I just, it, it, it from one minute to the next. It, it just seems totally wrong.

I. And I moved, uh, I moved, uh, back to Vancouver, , where I thought I could start again, uh, in a healthier place, in a healthier in industry. Um, I really just wanted to change, change absolutely everything cuz I woke up that day just so disgusted with myself. So I have been in, in sort of that, that that position of seeking fabulous is what I, is what I call it.

Right? And realizing how detrimental it can be and how, how. It can make you so sick. And I, I, I've spent the last 20 years on a path [00:05:00] of, uh, much more freedom. I've traveled the world, I've lived in strange places, done difficult and challenging projects, and I've really. Kind of seen it all. You know from, it's funny when you don't want something and all of a sudden you're presented with, you know, a super yacht industry or private jets or supercars or Beverly Hills, or meeting Elton John.

I. It, it, it, it was really interesting when I really wanted all that stuff. I got super sick and, and had of this crisis, right? And when I didn't care, I, it all kind of just flowed and happened and it was all much more sort of experiential, right? So, But I learned a lot along the way in that second phase as well , about handling depression and handling anxiety and designing your own life and, and how, and the power of things like the law of attraction and your energy levels and how.

Things like alcohol or anti-anxiety medication, all of the coping mechanisms can [00:06:00] be, shed really to, to thrive. So I had this, had this other pivotal moment last year where I got a bunch of letters from, , my mother to her best friend from when I was a kid. , They were never really intended for me, but it was a great gift because it, it opened up sort of a lot of childhood trauma that I had had, not big T trauma, small T stuff.

Um, and so I spent the last year just, just digging it out, pulling it out, looking at it, tossing out what didn't serve me. And, um, now I am, I, I, I feel so liberated and so free and so, uh, sort of content and abundant, In this second shedding of a skin, if you like that. Um, I just wanna share it with people, and I want to help people end their psychological suffering a lot faster than I did.

Right. I don't, I don't, I don't think it, I'm, I'm, I'm writing a book on, on Overcoming Fear. It's called Fear Less. And, um, and I just don't think people need to take 30 years like I did to [00:07:00] get to this spot. So, so

Jeremy: sounds painfully familiar, painfully familiar. I'm just gonna put it out there

Colin: Yeah, I think, you know, and I think I'm discovering that, that, that a lot of us have been in this same kind of boat that, you know, society pushes a, um, or, or pushes a solution onto us, or a concept concept or a construct.

And I just think it's wrong. I think it's toxic, and I think it's, it's hurting people and just the, you know, I, and you see it, I think in the symptoms of mental health and sickness and disease just in the United States and, and, and Canada. I'm sure the numbers are just as, as dismal, but I'm on this mission to help people rediscover their humanity, live in integrity, be fearless, and.

Through that really thrive. That's my, those are my sort of four, four mission points. And, um, like you said at the beginning of, or with the question that took me a long-winded answer, um, I've kind of been through that laundromat of everything in the la you know, so, um, now I'm out of it [00:08:00] and it's like, uh, it's time to time to share and help people, help people get there faster than me, than I did.

Jeremy: So many of those choices we make are grounded in that fear. And so that's a, a very powerful mission to be on. There's so much I wanna pick apart in what you shared there, but I, but I think I wanna dive right into the action, right? Like, people are coming to a show like this. They, they've been promised something along the lines of, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I've got all these problems.

How the hell do I get out of this mess? So walk me through some of those baby steps. Where do we begin to start unraveling those, those psychological, uh, big or little t traumas to develop a, a more fearless way of life?

Colin: Yeah, so, the one thing that you want to do is recognize. Recognize the actions that you're taking. So there's a couple of things, right? There's a couple of ways of protecting yourself from depression and anxiety. And then the other one is recognition of the trauma, right? So let's unpack the recognition one.

So we are so often today working and living through these lenses of. Uh, early [00:09:00] childhood trauma that we don't even know. Right. And they appear in things like self-confidence. They appear in things like people pleasing, they appear in all these, , conditionings, right. That are no longer serving you. So, so what I do, the way I work with people is, is let's say somebody's in a work environment and he or she is, Having to be in control of the whole scenario, you know, controlling everything and everybody in the office, if you unpick that, you know, you may find, well, I'm using an example, I'm using a specific example, but I found in one person that was, that was a conditioning and mechanism from when she was about nine or 10 when she was the young, the, the eldest child.

The parents were slightly dysfunctional. Or so she thought, and she had to be in control of everything. Well, here she is at 25, she went to a prestigious university. She's in a prestigious law firm in London. That kind of conditioning is not serving her right. And you can see all sorts of conditioning like this.

The big one is [00:10:00] this, , , the need for success and for affirmation and for showing people. Right? I call that, and it's not just me, but it's, it's the core wound of unworthiness. Right. And that can come. And I had that right, that, that's why I did all those things. And that came from sort of financial insecurity when I was younger.

Loneliness, feeling different, feeling outta place. And, and, and feeling. Feeling, yeah. Just really alone. So the, the, the work that you want to do is go back in time, discover where this started, right? And forgive that child, okay? Because that the, that's all you knew how to do is to cope. And my, my suggestion is, go back in time.

Forgive the child. Okay? Recognize the conditioning that, that you brought forward to today and look at it and see maybe there are some things that are serving you, but usually not. And if you can, Forgive the child, recognize it as conditioning [00:11:00] and decide with intention, what is it that is serving me today?

What lenses do I need to remove? Okay. Or, or, you know, another metaphor is, you know, the chains that hold you down. What do I need to remove to thrive, to move forward with a clean perspective? And it's so powerful when you can do that. You just, you, you begin to fly, right? Your whole body just kind of. Wow, you let that go.

Right? And, and there's great resources out there, like G Mate's new book. The, the, the myth of normal, right? Which speaks to this concept of this is not normal, the society that we're living in, this, the toxicity that we're surrounded with. So start to dive into that. So it's self recognition. It's, it's, it's forgiveness.

It's in it's intentional decision making on what's serving you, and then move forward and study it and research it. That's the, that's the trauma part.

Jeremy: I want to pick that apart for just a second because

I,

Colin: ahead.

Jeremy: [00:12:00] just very recently had kind of a breakthrough with this. I, I've been in this, um, group therapy situation for going on almost a year now, and

.

one of the things that it focused so much on was dealing with that, that inner child, right?

Colin: Yeah.

Jeremy: And it was, It was really tricky for me because I would look around the room, look around the space, and everyone's referring to this loving person that they're holding and, and caring for and getting through whatever thing they're going through.

And up until like a few weeks ago,

I hated that kid. Like,

Colin: Mm Oh yeah.

Jeremy: there was no like, oh, poor him. He just didn't get it right. I was just like, he was a loser. He gave up. He was a victim. He didn't do what he was supposed to do. I hated that kid. So I str forgiveness is tough for me, for, for a number of relationships in my life.

That was one that I just very recently went like, oh, I get it. Like, he didn't know any, like, he didn't have the [00:13:00] tools. Of course he reacted the way he did. Everything he did was a coping mechanism. Like, I, like a lights just flipped on. So help me with forgiveness. How do you, because I, I had to work backwards.

I had to work from You're good now. So tell that kid he's gonna be good. Right? How do you help someone with that if they're stuck and can't connect with that inner child?

Colin: So the, the what I, what I heard there and what I would work on if I were in your seat, would be the judgment of the judgment that you're, that you're adding to this equation today. Right? So you as an adult, right, are judging that kid. Through the lens of, I don't know how old you are, but, but, and what the time difference is, but you're judging it through a whole bunch of life experiences and, um, you know, ask yourself, is, is that right?

Is this just, is it, is it correct? Is it adding va, is it adding value? I, I, I do a lot, I love metaphors. I don't know why. Maybe I'm more of a [00:14:00] visual guy, but you know, like, is it adding fuel to your fuel tank? Right.

Jeremy: and, and in, in a, in a backwards way, it was because it was keeping me stuck. It was keeping me depressed. It was keeping me in the familiar playing the song I've known for 40

Colin: sure. Oh yeah.

Jeremy: song. So by, by holding onto that, I held onto the comfort of this darkness and, and all these things that have haunted me my whole life.

Colin: Yeah, I, I, I would probably, I, I would wanna have an argument, not an argument, a discussion with you about how comforting that was, right? Because so many people are on a closed loop. So you were, you were circling around in a closed loop of judgment and negativity of. And it was feeding you, but it's a little bit like, um, it's a little bit like watching the news, right?

You know, it's bad for you, you know, it's not adding value or social media, right? Or getting on Twitter and going down a rabbit hole. , uh, another meta it, it's like eating a box [00:15:00] of chocolates, right? You just sit there and it's comforting, right? But again, , how much energy are you spending on that comfort?

Right. And, and how much energy could you be spending on kind of limitless possibilities or opportunities or just, uh, new ideas or creativity that could come with unleashing that, that comfort? Right.

Jeremy: Yeah. Well, and, but that speaks to, I think a lot of the stories that people hang onto about themselves is that I'm not limitless. I, I'm a victim of this because of my upbringing that, so, I think it is the it, it is a really tricky thing, I think for a lot of people to get out of that cycle because of what they believe and all these big bags of luggage that they're carrying around that they just gotta let go of to realize that there's ano a better way.

Colin: Well, so it's three things, right? It's the, it's the, the recognition, forgiveness, judgment, evaluation, and then it's the stories you're telling you, like you said, right? [00:16:00] So one of my mottos or taglines, if you like, is deconstruct to reconstruct because they're just stories and that's all they are. And, and we live by them.

Right, so, so, you know, do you want to live by a story that's keeping you down, that's keeping you depressed, that's keeping you in all of these subpar states, right? Or do you wanna look at those stories, see where they came from, break them apart, see what's true, what's not so often, so often, you know, such a huge percentage of it is not true at all.

, And, and the minute you, the minute you start to pick it apart, it kind of vanishes, right? As, as many thoughts do if you're, if you're mindful at all, and then write new ones, , write the story of your life that you want to have, but it's intentional. , it's not easy.

You know, you've got to pull off [00:17:00] the bandaid. You've got to get some help, whether it's a therapist or a coach or YouTube or books or whatever. There's, there's a lot of resources out there

Jeremy: Podcast, for example,

Colin: podcasts. Yeah. Like the, like, don't cost anything. Right. But, uh, yeah, in my coaching practice, I certainly.

I, I don't let people sit in their own stew of whatever they've constructed. I don't, I'm, they can sit there for a little while, but not, not too long. You know,

Jeremy: Uh, that's, I I love that you, uh, offer sort of a, a, like, you call it a no BS approach to coaching. I think that's powerful and, and I think that, that, uh, that's in line with, you know, I've, I've heard over and over again that when it comes to these traumas and these stories and these things we hang onto, they may not be your fault that they're there, but they're your responsibility to deal with.

Colin: Absolutely. Absolutely.

It's easy to blame other people. It's, it's the easy way out to sit in your story, right? Sit in your narrative. ,

But it's not easy in the [00:18:00] long run because ultimately , this will manifest in disease. And I'm not saying, , metabolic necessarily, but it will, you will be in disease, , as this story begins to accumulate , over the years. , do you want to dive in and fix it and take responsibility and take accountability and move on?

, or do you wanna sit in it, uh, for the rest of your life and if you sit in it for the rest of your life, you know, you become a depressed couch potato, , at the doctor all of the time, et cetera, et cetera. So, , The easy way out is not the easy way out,

I guess it, I mean, I'm saying be responsible, but I don't wanna sound sort of, , commanding or anything like that. But it's, it's like, what do you want?

Do, do you wanna , press, repeat, play, repeat every day? Okay, fine. You know, go watch TV and watch the news and, and have a fight on Twitter, but,

I think, I think if you can get a glimmer of the possibilities of [00:19:00] breaking these chains , , of the trauma or of your conditioning or even just, you know, holding yourself back because of the stories.

It's wonderful and it's so sad to watch it when you see people that don't want to do that. You know,

Jeremy: We started talking about the, the darkness, the depression, the, the, the heavy stuff you were in. And I think, , one of the, I don't wanna say traps, but one of the things that, It becomes tricky with this whole self-help thing is that it becomes an endless game that never ends.

Colin: yep, yep.

Jeremy: Are you, we'll just say cured, right? Like are, are you good? Do you wake up every day just happy as can be? Life doesn't throw any obstacles at you that you can't handle. Like, where are you today from that guy? That was such a mess when this all

Colin: Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely. Look, , today I'm flourishing and I'm flying and I'm thriving, and I'm loving life. And, , The, one big thing that shifted for me only recently actually, so after my first sort of hitting that wall of, of depression and divorce and moving and all [00:20:00] that stuff, I dove into, like you say, all things self-help.

Right? I went to a bookstore, uh, you may have been to it in Vancouver, called Banyan Books. I, I scooped up , everything. Single thing I could imagine from Eckhart Tola to Joe Dispen, Wayne Dyer, you know, the roster, right? I read everything. I knew everything. I, I mean, I, I, but I, I knew it, but I didn't embody it.

And the way I've em embodied it, and only recently is through meditation and that changed everything.

Jeremy: How So, How did that change it for you?

Colin: Uh, it, it reduces reactivity, so you don't, you don't react to things the way, or I don't react to things the way I might have before with panic or fear or anxiety or anger or anything like that.

It, it permits you or it positions you to just always be centered. . That doesn't mean that you don't have set boundaries and you don't say no when you want to. On the contrary, it, it helps you with, [00:21:00] with clarity and with consciousness. , so that's, uh, I mean that's probably the one the's probably the biggest attribute.

This, this idea of non-reactivity, , total clarity, , calmness, , and. I no longer, and I think this is the one thing that, is so hard for people today. I no longer feel this drive to get to a destination, ? , the first part of my life, that destination was very clear, right? I wanted all these things the second part of my life. , I've given all of that up, and oddly enough when I, I gave it all up, started meditation, more mindfulness, , and I, and, and allowing things to happen as opposed to , , worrying and fretting and doing, and, and, uh, Having this perpetual [00:22:00] to-do list and checklist and I need to get somewhere else.

Right. I don't need to get anywhere.

Jeremy: Yeah, I think that's so funny because, I mean, for me, meditation being in the moment, presence, all of that was, is where the shift began for me, you know, many years ago. And I don't maintain a, a practice like I should. And I tell myself all the time, and then when the struggles come up, I wonder why and how come life and gosh, it's, it's hard. but but then it's funny cuz I, I'm also a coach in, in a different, a different field. It's funny how you can keep repeating the same thing. Like, this is the thing you need to do, right? Like there's, there's nine different ways to happiness. There's this path to happiness. All these things. Everyone feels like, what's that other, what's that secret?

What's the thing? I don't know. Literally sitting and doing nothing for 10 minutes a day. It's a huge unlock. Like if you can figure out a way to do that, the way the, that it, the rest of it all falls into place is so incredible. I, I'm looking at myself as I say this as well, right? Like, I, I know I don't do it enough.

I know I'm better when I [00:23:00] do. And if I were going to a coach, they would be saying to me, well, how's the meditation going? Well, not good enough. Right? But it's so funny how that one thing we can, we can talk about it every week on this show. Meditate, meditate, meditate, and people will keep coming back on.

Yeah. But what else? What else is, there's gotta be something. I mean, I'll, I'll try that, but there's gotta be something else, right?

Colin: Yeah,

Jeremy: But it's

Colin: I think that's, I, I, I think, I don't know about you, but I kind of, I just kind of think that's our society and our culture, this sort of consumer movement driven, scrolling, , hyper, novel culture that we live in. Conditions us , to not accept that it can be so simple.

Jeremy: Yeah. Yeah. There's gotta be something I can buy for 9 99 that will change my life.

Colin: Exactly. Exactly, exactly. And it's not, you don't have to go buy anything. , certainly the Waking Up app by Sam Harris, I think for me was a real, was a really good tool because I've tried the others, but I don't know, it was just like, I didn't want a [00:24:00] celebrity, I.

You know, giving me meditation I did, and, and all these, all these different modalities. I just listened, started to listen to Sam for 10 minutes, and then it was 20, and then there's a little moment that pops up on your screen at seven 30 in the morning, and that for me is just, it's changed everything.

Jeremy: Apps are a huge, uh, just a powerful way to to start, right? Like if you have no experience, having someone walk you through it for 10 minutes a day is incredibly, uh, useful. I did something. When I do it well, I, I do it more of as myself. Uh, but tons of great advice here. I know you have more to offer, so where can we learn more about you and the services you offer as a coach to help people with , these simple things that it really takes to live a happier, healthier life.

Colin: yeah. Just, uh, , jump onto my website, Colin Kings mill.com. That's where everything is. You'll find me and a, a little bit about my, my history and, um, the reviews. Yeah. Everything's there. Jump on, check it out.

Yeah, so I think I had two midlife crises or two major [00:25:00] pivotal moments in my life, right? The first one was kind of early childhood development, early career, where I was striving for, you know, the typical checklist of what you would typically define as success, right? So I, I. Did my M B A in Milan, Italy. I moved to Switzerland.

I got into Swiss banking. I wore a suit and tie every day. I, you know, had the right cars, I had the right trips, I had the right, you know, vacations, et cetera, et cetera. And I got to a day, a day. And I remember the day, it was April 6th, 2001. I was 35 and. I, it, it, I crashed into a wall metaphorically and realized that I was super depressed, super unhappy, ridden with anxiety, uh, and completely unaware of it all right?

I was just so driven and so, um, so full of ambition and so full of myself that I didn't, I had no [00:26:00] connection to the body, the mind to metaphysical, nothing. Right? , But that day, I, I hit that wall and, um, I had a bit of a spiritual awakening, if you like, combined with some great therapy, uh, from my psychiatrist.

And by the, by that Monday, the following Monday, I, I, I stopped everything. I quit. I gave up, uh, a business. I gave my shares and my business to my partners. I quickly gave away everything I owned. Literally from watches to clothing to cars. I just, it, it, it from one minute to the next. It, it just seems totally wrong.

I. And I moved, uh, I moved, uh, back to Vancouver, , where I thought I could start again, uh, in a healthier place, in a healthier in industry. Um, I really just wanted to change, change absolutely everything cuz I woke up that day just so disgusted with myself. So I have been in, in sort of that, that that position of seeking fabulous [00:27:00] is what I, is what I call it.

Right? And realizing how detrimental it can be and how, how. It can make you so sick. And I, I, I've spent the last 20 years on a path of, uh, much more freedom. I've traveled the world, I've lived in strange places, done difficult and challenging projects, and I've really. Kind of seen it all. You know from, it's funny when you don't want something and all of a sudden you're presented with, you know, a super yacht industry or private jets or supercars or Beverly Hills, or meeting Elton John.

I. It, it, it, it was really interesting when I really wanted all that stuff. I got super sick and, and had of this crisis, right? And when I didn't care, I, it all kind of just flowed and happened and it was all much more sort of experiential, right? So, But I learned a lot along the way in that second phase as well , about handling depression and handling anxiety [00:28:00] and designing your own life and, and how, and the power of things like the law of attraction and your energy levels and how.

Things like alcohol or anti-anxiety medication, all of the coping mechanisms can be, shed really to, to thrive. So I had this, had this other pivotal moment last year where I got a bunch of letters from, , my mother to her best friend from when I was a kid. , They were never really intended for me, but it was a great gift because it, it opened up sort of a lot of childhood trauma that I had had, not big T trauma, small T stuff.

Um, and so I spent the last year just, just digging it out, pulling it out, looking at it, tossing out what didn't serve me. And, um, now I am, I, I, I feel so liberated and so free and so, uh, sort of content and abundant, In this second shedding of a skin, if you like that. Um, I just wanna share it with people, and I want to help people end their psychological suffering a lot faster than I [00:29:00] did.

Right. I don't, I don't, I don't think it, I'm, I'm, I'm writing a book on, on Overcoming Fear. It's called Fear Less. And, um, and I just don't think people need to take 30 years like I did to get to this spot. So, so

Jeremy: sounds painfully familiar, painfully familiar. I'm just gonna put it out there

Colin: Yeah, I think, you know, and I think I'm discovering that, that, that a lot of us have been in this same kind of boat that, you know, society pushes a, um, or, or pushes a solution onto us, or a concept concept or a construct.

And I just think it's wrong. I think it's toxic, and I think it's, it's hurting people and just the, you know, I, and you see it, I think in the symptoms of mental health and sickness and disease just in the United States and, and, and Canada. I'm sure the numbers are just as, as dismal, but I'm on this mission to help people rediscover their humanity, live in integrity, be fearless, and.

Through that really thrive. That's my, those are my sort of four, four [00:30:00] mission points. And, um, like you said at the beginning of, or with the question that took me a long-winded answer, um, I've kind of been through that laundromat of everything in the la you know, so, um, now I'm out of it and it's like, uh, it's time to time to share and help people, help people get there faster than me, than I did.

Jeremy: So many of those choices we make are grounded in that fear. And so that's a, a very powerful mission to be on. There's so much I wanna pick apart in what you shared there, but I, but I think I wanna dive right into the action, right? Like, people are coming to a show like this. They, they've been promised something along the lines of, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I've got all these problems.

How the hell do I get out of this mess? So walk me through some of those baby steps. Where do we begin to start unraveling those, those psychological, uh, big or little t traumas to develop a, a more fearless way of life?

Colin: Yeah, so, the one thing that you want to do is recognize. Recognize the actions that you're taking. So there's a couple of things, right? There's a couple of ways of protecting yourself from depression and anxiety. And [00:31:00] then the other one is recognition of the trauma, right? So let's unpack the recognition one.

So we are so often today working and living through these lenses of. Uh, early childhood trauma that we don't even know. Right. And they appear in things like self-confidence. They appear in things like people pleasing, they appear in all these, , conditionings, right. That are no longer serving you. So, so what I do, the way I work with people is, is let's say somebody's in a work environment and he or she is, Having to be in control of the whole scenario, you know, controlling everything and everybody in the office, if you unpick that, you know, you may find, well, I'm using an example, I'm using a specific example, but I found in one person that was, that was a conditioning and mechanism from when she was about nine or 10 when she was the young, the, the eldest child.

The parents were slightly dysfunctional. Or so she thought, and she had to be in control of everything. Well, here she is at [00:32:00] 25, she went to a prestigious university. She's in a prestigious law firm in London. That kind of conditioning is not serving her right. And you can see all sorts of conditioning like this.

The big one is this, , , the need for success and for affirmation and for showing people. Right? I call that, and it's not just me, but it's, it's the core wound of unworthiness. Right. And that can come. And I had that right, that, that's why I did all those things. And that came from sort of financial insecurity when I was younger.

Loneliness, feeling different, feeling outta place. And, and, and feeling. Feeling, yeah. Just really alone. So the, the, the work that you want to do is go back in time, discover where this started, right? And forgive that child, okay? Because that the, that's all you knew how to do is to cope. And my, my suggestion is, go back in time.

Forgive the child. Okay? Recognize the conditioning [00:33:00] that, that you brought forward to today and look at it and see maybe there are some things that are serving you, but usually not. And if you can, Forgive the child, recognize it as conditioning and decide with intention, what is it that is serving me today?

What lenses do I need to remove? Okay. Or, or, you know, another metaphor is, you know, the chains that hold you down. What do I need to remove to thrive, to move forward with a clean perspective? And it's so powerful when you can do that. You just, you, you begin to fly, right? Your whole body just kind of. Wow, you let that go.

Right? And, and there's great resources out there, like G Mate's new book. The, the, the myth of normal, right? Which speaks to this concept of this is not normal, the society that we're living in, this, the toxicity that we're surrounded with. So start to dive into that. So it's self recognition. It's, it's, it's [00:34:00] forgiveness.

It's in it's intentional decision making on what's serving you, and then move forward and study it and research it. That's the, that's the trauma part.

Jeremy: I want to pick that apart for just a second because

I,

Colin: ahead.

Jeremy: just very recently had kind of a breakthrough with this. I, I've been in this, um, group therapy situation for going on almost a year now, and

.

one of the things that it focused so much on was dealing with that, that inner child, right?

Colin: Yeah.

Jeremy: And it was, It was really tricky for me because I would look around the room, look around the space, and everyone's referring to this loving person that they're holding and, and caring for and getting through whatever thing they're going through.

And up until like a few weeks ago,

I hated that kid. Like,

Colin: Mm Oh yeah.

Jeremy: there was no like, oh, poor him. He just didn't get it right. I was just like, he was a loser. He gave up. He was a victim. He didn't do what he was supposed to do. I hated that kid. [00:35:00] So I str forgiveness is tough for me, for, for a number of relationships in my life.

That was one that I just very recently went like, oh, I get it. Like, he didn't know any, like, he didn't have the tools. Of course he reacted the way he did. Everything he did was a coping mechanism. Like, I, like a lights just flipped on. So help me with forgiveness. How do you, because I, I had to work backwards.

I had to work from You're good now. So tell that kid he's gonna be good. Right? How do you help someone with that if they're stuck and can't connect with that inner child?

Colin: So the, the what I, what I heard there and what I would work on if I were in your seat, would be the judgment of the judgment that you're, that you're adding to this equation today. Right? So you as an adult, right, are judging that kid. Through the lens of, I don't know how old you are, but, but, and what the time difference is, but you're judging it through a whole bunch of life experiences and, um, [00:36:00] you know, ask yourself, is, is that right?

Is this just, is it, is it correct? Is it adding va, is it adding value? I, I, I do a lot, I love metaphors. I don't know why. Maybe I'm more of a visual guy, but you know, like, is it adding fuel to your fuel tank? Right.

Jeremy: and, and in, in a, in a backwards way, it was because it was keeping me stuck. It was keeping me depressed. It was keeping me in the familiar playing the song I've known for 40

Colin: sure. Oh yeah.

Jeremy: song. So by, by holding onto that, I held onto the comfort of this darkness and, and all these things that have haunted me my whole life.

Colin: Yeah, I, I, I would probably, I, I would wanna have an argument, not an argument, a discussion with you about how comforting that was, right? Because so many people are on a closed loop. So you were, you were circling around in a closed loop of judgment and negativity of. And it was feeding you, but it's a little bit like, [00:37:00] um, it's a little bit like watching the news, right?

You know, it's bad for you, you know, it's not adding value or social media, right? Or getting on Twitter and going down a rabbit hole. , uh, another meta it, it's like eating a box of chocolates, right? You just sit there and it's comforting, right? But again, , how much energy are you spending on that comfort?

Right. And, and how much energy could you be spending on kind of limitless possibilities or opportunities or just, uh, new ideas or creativity that could come with unleashing that, that comfort? Right.

Jeremy: Yeah. Well, and, but that speaks to, I think a lot of the stories that people hang onto about themselves is that I'm not limitless. I, I'm a victim of this because of my upbringing that, so, I think it is the it, it is a really tricky thing, I think for a lot of people to get out of that cycle because of what they believe and all these big bags of luggage that they're carrying around that they just gotta let go of to realize [00:38:00] that there's ano a better way.

Colin: Well, so it's three things, right? It's the, it's the, the recognition, forgiveness, judgment, evaluation, and then it's the stories you're telling you, like you said, right? So one of my mottos or taglines, if you like, is deconstruct to reconstruct because they're just stories and that's all they are. And, and we live by them.

Right, so, so, you know, do you want to live by a story that's keeping you down, that's keeping you depressed, that's keeping you in all of these subpar states, right? Or do you wanna look at those stories, see where they came from, break them apart, see what's true, what's not so often, so often, you know, such a huge percentage of it is not true at all.

, And, and the minute you, the minute you start to pick it apart, it kind of vanishes, right? As, [00:39:00] as many thoughts do if you're, if you're mindful at all, and then write new ones, , write the story of your life that you want to have, but it's intentional. , it's not easy.

You know, you've got to pull off the bandaid. You've got to get some help, whether it's a therapist or a coach or YouTube or books or whatever. There's, there's a lot of resources out there

Jeremy: Podcast, for example,

Colin: podcasts. Yeah. Like the, like, don't cost anything. Right. But, uh, yeah, in my coaching practice, I certainly.

I, I don't let people sit in their own stew of whatever they've constructed. I don't, I'm, they can sit there for a little while, but not, not too long. You know,

Jeremy: Uh, that's, I I love that you, uh, offer sort of a, a, like, you call it a no BS approach to coaching. I think that's powerful and, and I think that, that, uh, that's in line with, you know, I've, I've heard over and over again that when it comes to these traumas and these stories and these things we hang onto, they may not be your fault that they're there, but they're your responsibility to deal with.

Colin: [00:40:00] Absolutely. Absolutely.

It's easy to blame other people. It's, it's the easy way out to sit in your story, right? Sit in your narrative. ,

But it's not easy in the long run because ultimately , this will manifest in disease. And I'm not saying, , metabolic necessarily, but it will, you will be in disease, , as this story begins to accumulate , over the years. , do you want to dive in and fix it and take responsibility and take accountability and move on?

, or do you wanna sit in it, uh, for the rest of your life and if you sit in it for the rest of your life, you know, you become a depressed couch potato, , at the doctor all of the time, et cetera, et cetera. So, , The easy way out is not the easy way out,

I guess it, I mean, I'm saying be responsible, but I don't wanna sound sort of, , commanding or anything like that. But it's, it's like, what do you want?

Do, do you wanna , press, repeat, play, repeat every [00:41:00] day? Okay, fine. You know, go watch TV and watch the news and, and have a fight on Twitter, but,

I think, I think if you can get a glimmer of the possibilities of breaking these chains , , of the trauma or of your conditioning or even just, you know, holding yourself back because of the stories.

It's wonderful and it's so sad to watch it when you see people that don't want to do that. You know,

Jeremy: We started talking about the, the darkness, the depression, the, the, the heavy stuff you were in. And I think, , one of the, I don't wanna say traps, but one of the things that, It becomes tricky with this whole self-help thing is that it becomes an endless game that never ends.

Colin: yep, yep.

Jeremy: Are you, we'll just say cured, right? Like are, are you good? Do you wake up every day just happy as can be? Life doesn't throw any obstacles at you that you can't handle. Like, where are you today from that guy? That was such a mess when this all

Colin: Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely. Look, , today I'm flourishing and [00:42:00] I'm flying and I'm thriving, and I'm loving life. And, , The, one big thing that shifted for me only recently actually, so after my first sort of hitting that wall of, of depression and divorce and moving and all that stuff, I dove into, like you say, all things self-help.

Right? I went to a bookstore, uh, you may have been to it in Vancouver, called Banyan Books. I, I scooped up , everything. Single thing I could imagine from Eckhart Tola to Joe Dispen, Wayne Dyer, you know, the roster, right? I read everything. I knew everything. I, I mean, I, I, but I, I knew it, but I didn't embody it.

And the way I've em embodied it, and only recently is through meditation and that changed everything.

Jeremy: How So, How did that change it for you?

Colin: Uh, it, it reduces reactivity, so you don't, you don't react to things the way, or I don't react to things the way I might have before with panic or fear or anxiety or anger or anything [00:43:00] like that.

It, it permits you or it positions you to just always be centered. . That doesn't mean that you don't have set boundaries and you don't say no when you want to. On the contrary, it, it helps you with, with clarity and with consciousness. , so that's, uh, I mean that's probably the one the's probably the biggest attribute.

This, this idea of non-reactivity, , total clarity, , calmness, , and. I no longer, and I think this is the one thing that, is so hard for people today. I no longer feel this drive to get to a destination, ? , the first part of my life, that destination was very clear, right? I wanted all these things the second part of my life. , I've given all of that up, and oddly enough when I, I gave it all up, [00:44:00] started meditation, more mindfulness, , and I, and, and allowing things to happen as opposed to , , worrying and fretting and doing, and, and, uh, Having this perpetual to-do list and checklist and I need to get somewhere else.

Right. I don't need to get anywhere.

Jeremy: Yeah, I think that's so funny because, I mean, for me, meditation being in the moment, presence, all of that was, is where the shift began for me, you know, many years ago. And I don't maintain a, a practice like I should. And I tell myself all the time, and then when the struggles come up, I wonder why and how come life and gosh, it's, it's hard. but but then it's funny cuz I, I'm also a coach in, in a different, a different field. It's funny how you can keep repeating the same thing. Like, this is the thing you need to do, right? Like there's, there's nine different ways to happiness. There's this path to happiness. All these things. Everyone feels like, what's that other, what's that secret?

What's the thing? I don't know. Literally sitting and doing nothing for 10 minutes a day. It's a huge unlock. [00:45:00] Like if you can figure out a way to do that, the way the, that it, the rest of it all falls into place is so incredible. I, I'm looking at myself as I say this as well, right? Like, I, I know I don't do it enough.

I know I'm better when I do. And if I were going to a coach, they would be saying to me, well, how's the meditation going? Well, not good enough. Right? But it's so funny how that one thing we can, we can talk about it every week on this show. Meditate, meditate, meditate, and people will keep coming back on.

Yeah. But what else? What else is, there's gotta be something. I mean, I'll, I'll try that, but there's gotta be something else, right?

Colin: Yeah,

Jeremy: But it's

Colin: I think that's, I, I, I think, I don't know about you, but I kind of, I just kind of think that's our society and our culture, this sort of consumer movement driven, scrolling, , hyper, novel culture that we live in. Conditions us , to not accept that it can be so simple.

Jeremy: Yeah. Yeah. There's gotta be something I can buy for 9 99 that will change my life.

Colin: Exactly. Exactly, exactly. And it's [00:46:00] not, you don't have to go buy anything. , certainly the Waking Up app by Sam Harris, I think for me was a real, was a really good tool because I've tried the others, but I don't know, it was just like, I didn't want a celebrity, I.

You know, giving me meditation I did, and, and all these, all these different modalities. I just listened, started to listen to Sam for 10 minutes, and then it was 20, and then there's a little moment that pops up on your screen at seven 30 in the morning, and that for me is just, it's changed everything.

Jeremy: Apps are a huge, uh, just a powerful way to to start, right? Like if you have no experience, having someone walk you through it for 10 minutes a day is incredibly, uh, useful. I did something. When I do it well, I, I do it more of as myself. Uh, but tons of great advice here. I know you have more to offer, so where can we learn more about you and the services you offer as a coach to help people with , these simple things that it really takes to live a happier, healthier life.

Colin: yeah. Just, uh, , jump onto my website, Colin Kings mill.com. [00:47:00] That's where everything is. You'll find me and a, a little bit about my, my history and, um, the reviews. Yeah. Everything's there. Jump on, check it out.

Zach: Our thanks to Colin Kings Mill from Colin Kings Mill Coaching. You can find links to him and his work in the show notes for this episode@thefitmess.com. You know, one of the things that I have a lot of trouble with myself is, is really okay with imperfection and being okay with just being in the present and just being okay with all the stuff.

Jeremy: Mm-hmm.

Zach: I have a lot of trouble with that man that really , it's so important and I have a lot of trouble with it cuz it's so hard to do.

Jeremy: And the thing that we really wrapped up the conversation talking about there with around meditation, and I know we talk about this all the time as as a key, but. As a coach, there's, there's so many things that you tell people over and over again, and there's usually like one really simple thing, but everyone wants the, the nine other things.

The, the simpler fixes, the the faster solutions to whatever problems they're having, but [00:48:00] something as simple as just sitting the fuck down and shutting the fuck up for 10 minutes every single day. Can help you with that. It can help you stop worrying about the future, stop regretting the past, and just recognizing where you are in the moment.

This is something I've had to do a lot, especially in the last few weeks. My mind has just been racing a million miles a minute with what is the future gonna hold? What's gonna happen? And I have to just constantly remind myself, come back to right now because all of that, I can imagine all day long and freak out about it, or I can come back to what is real, what is in front of me, and focus on that.

Zach: As you're doing that though, like enjoying those moments, right? Because you've got your goal, you've got your destination, you've got that thing that you want to get to, but that's not where the fun is. Like that's not where you're gonna enjoy it. Enjoy those little bits and pieces where you are sitting down for 10 minutes.

So you can sit down for 15 minutes tomorrow so you can sit down for 20 minutes the next day, that journey. And embracing it is the liberation.

Jeremy: I couldn't agree more, and that is a great place to wrap this one up. Thank you so much for listening to learn more about Colin.

there are links to him in the [00:49:00] show notes for this episode@thefitmess.com. That is also where we will be back in just a few days with a brand new episode. Thanks for listening.

Zach: See everyone.